Are all my midlife friends having affairs? (Apart from me)

[SnowIsOn]

This was the title of an article in the Times at the weekend.

The writer is an author who in the process of researching a character for her latest book contacted select female friends who then anonymously reported back - 12 out of 17 were having or had had affairs.

Obviously take this fluff piece with a huge pinch of salt but I can only think of a handful of people I know who’ve had affairs and they’re all just acquaintances. So this just doesn’t ring true to me. See it a lot on threads here, but that’s from a huge readership and very self selecting, and it’s mostly the husbands who are doing the dirty.

Or am I very naive, are a large minority of mid life women having affairs and are super good at hiding them?

I've had 2. Not a soul knows about either. Not sure I'd admit it on a survey like on the article though. I suspect even my very closest friends would be shocked. I'm slightly shocked to be honest.

My DH thought i was having one so he had one. I wasn't.

(It wasn't quite that straightforward, but one of the lines he used was that he thought I didn't want him anymore because I had met someone else.)

I do know of a few affairs within my wider social network. I get the impression that because of the above, people think I am someone they can discuss with. Yeah, no. Been to hell and back, rather not hear about other people's affairs and be reminded again.

You’ve obviously come out of it relatively unscathed? How do you feel emotionally about it?

Would you do it again if the opportunity arises?

No judgement - thank you for sharing.

@FasciolaHepatica so sorry for the hell you’ve been in.

Two other people do know about it though, the people you had affairs with. And you don’t know who they have told about it.

You are making yourself very vulnerable as well as risking your partner/spouses health and wellbeing.

I think the prevailing narrative on Mumsnet that men do most of the cheating is BS.

It's self selecting here on Mumsnet because anyone who confesses to cheating is pilloried so it's rare someone does.

I'm not having an affair but if I was I would certainly not be either telling my friends (who I know would judge) or Mumsnet.

Years ago it used to be normal to be faithful to your partner. Now it seems to be normal to be unfaithful to your partner.

Not something I'd choose. There are three things I don't share, my lover, my phone and my car.

I think it depends what sector you work in.

In my experience it's common in manufacturing-type industries where they have 'continuous production.'

eg; in a big biscuit factory where you have a handful of men in (apparent) positions of power,authority and influence, employed as Shift Managers/Production Supervisors etc and dozens of women working on the production lines putting the biscuits into slots in tins/boxes.

Some of the biscuit-packers see work as an opportunity to enhance both their status and standard of living, by snagging themselves a Manager.

Likewise some of the Managers see an opportunity for extra-curricular activities.

Because no-one heeds the warning about "not crapping where you eat" the fallout from these dalliances-gone-wrong can be quite spectacular, I am told....

Neither of your statements is true.

So avoid biscuit packers as potential partners. Anecdotally I know police are rife.

I’m in a profession not too dissimilar to accountancy so

Me neither. It sounds like too much effort anyway.

This. Women are quieter about it as they don’t need to brag like men do. Though my mums friends were all at it in the 80s/90s and weren’t quiet about it, and I know some now.

Thanks. We are good now. I ignored the prevailing MN advice at the time and didn't divorce him. It forced us to have a lot more open dialogue than we had been having for years and deal with our problems head on. I know MN also think it is bullshit, but our marriage is genuinely now better than it was before. I don't recommend it as a relationship tool and would rather we had managed to sort things out without him having an affair. But here we are, we didn't, he did and we have both learned and grown from it to get here.

Still don't want people confiding in me. And he knows he has used his one chance, there would be no coming back after a repeat offence.

Feeling some happiness doesn’t feel like effort.

@FasciolaHepatica really happy for you that you sorted it out, totally agree that people and relationships are far more complex than just ‘LTB!’.

@Disturbia81 true, I’m so fortunate to be in what I consider a very happy marriage, but forget that unhappy marriages can be very difficult to leave.

Whereas I don’t think I’ve ever worked anywhere where I didn’t become aware of some illicit relationship/s at some point. I’m an academic — lots of conferences, research trips etc. In the department I did my own undergraduate degree in, several of the senior male staff who are still working there have remarried since my time, to their former graduate students. I can think of one longterm affair conducted entirely at conferences that ended in a marriage after both parties divorced, and two where someone was on sabbatical or a year’s visiting fellowship in my department, had an affair with one of my colleagues, ended their marriage and moved to my country and ended up as a lecturer in my department or a neighbouring university.

I agree that women often conduct affairs discreetly, and often as a way of making a difficult status quo bearable, as for some reason they’re determined to stay married.

OMG!! I also completely forget my own mum is now married to her affair partner- he’s been my step dad for so many years and my own dad died when I was young.

However that obviously wasn’t secret for very long!

The Times believes that all middle class middle aged people are a) having affairs and b) taking coke at parties.

yet another reason where, despite trying my hardest I’ll never be middle class!

@HotBaths so true! I did a research masters before career change and yes affairs were rife.

So not only am I terribly unobservant I’m also very forgetful and looking at life through the proverbial rose tinted glasses.

Think I’m quite happy in my ignorant little box!

Im with you OP. I don’t know anyone who is or has had an affair apart from my bil who is now separated from my sister. I’m either very naive or unobservant. Or you all have horrible friends, aquaintences and workmates!

Workplace affairs are so, so common. It’s why I would never tolerate my husband having a “work wife” or making a new female friend at work.

Only one woman in my circle has had an affair that I know of, but I didn't know until after she’d left her partner ( who had treated her like crap for years). I think it’s probably a lot more common than most people think really.

We're in our 50s and only two couples in our wide friend circle have divorced and neither were because of affairs. The rest of us are still married (whether that's happily or not) and honestly I can't imagine any of them having affairs! I know it does happen but I really don't think it's as prevalent as the writer makes out.

All the men who are having affairs are having affairs with women…

I think it happens far more than Mumsnetters like to believe.

It is always possible. Work is a major opportunity (working late, working elsewhere etc) but people can have affairs without even leaving their house. Neighbours, tradesmen, strangers via apps…

However the main difference is that women will often preserve complete omerta around the affair and carry on their married lives exactly as before. Men are more careless and likely to betray signs that it is happening.

Personally I am a little bit French on this matter and think it can be forgivable. I take far more issue with men (it’s almost always men) leaving their families and destroying their lives than the affair itself.

I think the Mn position is that there is a tiny, separate cadre of incredibly busy Affair Sluts, who, by having multiple affairs all the time throughout their lives, somehow account for all the much more numerous men having affairs.

There’s a real resistance to female affair partners just being ordinary, humdrum people, who aren’t blackly evil individuals. That Ordinary Sue from Accounts who has a sensible bob and caring responsibilities may be having an affair.