Are all my midlife friends having affairs? (Apart from me)

[SnowIsOn]

This was the title of an article in the Times at the weekend.

The writer is an author who in the process of researching a character for her latest book contacted select female friends who then anonymously reported back - 12 out of 17 were having or had had affairs.

Obviously take this fluff piece with a huge pinch of salt but I can only think of a handful of people I know who’ve had affairs and they’re all just acquaintances. So this just doesn’t ring true to me. See it a lot on threads here, but that’s from a huge readership and very self selecting, and it’s mostly the husbands who are doing the dirty.

Or am I very naive, are a large minority of mid life women having affairs and are super good at hiding them?

I think it takes one to know one. Bit like the gaydar of old (not saying being gay and having an affair are morally the same btw!). People who generally wouldn't stray can rarely imagine others would unless they're the lecherous obvious womaniser/ flirt type. Where as people who have/ do can see it more easily.

Nah, that's way too high.

Try this - https://www.kqed.org/science/11450/new-dna-studies-debunk-misconceptions-about-paternal-relationships

No it’s fine I’ve NC @JaneFondueso happy to answer. I got a termination, stayed with partner and he never found out. It was a very stressful few weeks to put it lightly.. I do feel women are a lot smarter about affairs though. I can’t imagine many men pulling off working full time, looking after their young kids and then managing to have an affair and hide an abortion all whilst acting perfectly normal.

What nonsense. I have excellent gaydar
because I’m observant. I’m a straight woman.

12 in 17? What are the other 5 doing?

I think some people are like Angelica Huston in Manhattan Murder Mystery - "I'm not beautiful, but I have enormous sex appeal".

I've always been a bit surprised when I get unexpected attention from men, because no-one ever offered me modelling contracts. I mean, I'm not a troll either, but still. Once at university a gorgeous boy said he fancied me, even though literally the most beautiful girl on campus was in love with him, and he knew it. I was so baffled I did nothing about it!

I haven't been propositioned since I've been married though, maybe I've lost my appeal.

But most people don't. And most people don't see people as being the "affair type".

i think that's part of the puzzle is in general most seem normal people rather than omg they are having an affair etc

I see pretty much everyone as potentially being ‘the affair type’.

Of course they’re normal — it’s a pretty widespread thing to do, whether you like that or not!

im more intrigued by the psychology of why middle aged women professional women have affairs

Really? The rush of attraction / love / lust is pretty unbeatable, and life can get pretty boring - I'm not sure there's any big mystery. Also not sure why them being professionals makes a difference.

thats surface level, yes sure some get the jellies for a co worker and its just lust etc but its more deeper the months the years those types of long term affairs and deceit and the levels it takes to compartmentalise the affairs thats what i find intresting

As @AWedgeOfLemonAndASmartAnswerForEverything said, it’s not that mysterious. Love and lust and the excitement and huge dopamine hit they bring are a huge deal.

I would believe it. In fact I think the numbers of married or partnered women engaging in affairs is as equal to or close to equal to men.

Contraception, abortion, opportunities on tap for excuses to be out of the house or away has made it much less risky than it previously was.

I also think women probably are better are keeping quite than men.

Have any of my friends, doubtful but who really knows. For affairs to stay hidden it takes the people to be liars capable of manipulation of situations so people see what they want them to see.

true but i also think theres more to the whole psychology of them keeping and maintaining the affair too the whole other side of them

thats what intrigues me, the whole 007 of it all

It doesn't intrigue me it honestly disgusts me. The level of disconnect you have to maintain to lie daily to the person you share your home and life with. Potentially kids, friends, family. Work colleagues the list is endless.

When I was single, on two separate occasions I was rumored to be sleeping with married male colleagues. I wasn't and wouldn't have -- they were good friends, I liked their wives, it wouldn't have made sense. In retrospect I think one of them hinted that he was interested, but at the time it didn't really register.

in the intelligence services, thats a daily requirement, so yes i get your point but as a skill the psychology of it intrigues me from when i read the book : The Lucifer Effect by
Philip Zimbardo

Much as I love DH he may is the biggest pain in my arse, couldn’t think of anything worse than bringing another man into my life one is more than enough thanks 😆

This. I trust my husband in that I do not believe he goes out looking for other women. I think if someone came on to him at this present time that he would reject them.

But I think he (and anyone, including myself) is capable of having an affair under the correct circumstances. There is literally not a single person on this world that I would consider “not the type” to have one.

Life happens and affairs are part of it.

That’s not me saying I worry he’s going to have one, or that I’m controlling and insecure, apart from the whole “work wife” thing that I wouldn’t tolerate which he feels the same about if I was to refer to someone I worked with as a work husband, but we are both similarly realistic in knowing how easily feelings can develop for people if you allow it.

Never even thought of it

I dont think it was any different, just not talked about. People would just gloss over it as divorce was much more taboo.

When I was in my 20s, I worked with a woman who was single but chased every married man she met. She was sleeping with multiple men at work at the same time. It was so blatant too. I was gobsmacked at her behaviour at the time.