Are all my midlife friends having affairs? (Apart from me)

[SnowIsOn]

This was the title of an article in the Times at the weekend.

The writer is an author who in the process of researching a character for her latest book contacted select female friends who then anonymously reported back - 12 out of 17 were having or had had affairs.

Obviously take this fluff piece with a huge pinch of salt but I can only think of a handful of people I know who’ve had affairs and they’re all just acquaintances. So this just doesn’t ring true to me. See it a lot on threads here, but that’s from a huge readership and very self selecting, and it’s mostly the husbands who are doing the dirty.

Or am I very naive, are a large minority of mid life women having affairs and are super good at hiding them?

Careful,now!

Most are too busy sorting out kids with MH issues, kids who can't get jobs or move out, elderly parents, grumpy Victor Meldrew husbands, jobs disappearing to AI... etc etc.
Is it not this boring routine that helps make Jack-the-Lad seem attractive?
Firstly he listens and then becomes sympathetic. There are neither conditions nor consequences. At least whilst you are in bed or the back of his car.
I knew 3 women who were married, with children and had affairs.One had 2 lovers. at same time.

@Latebloomer121

Yeah, particularly the male ones 😉

Many people, male and female, have affairs, for various reasons. Not many announce it.

It makes me laugh when people say their friends aren't having affairs.
People tend to keep that a secret!! You wouldn't have a clue if there were or not

Me neither, but I'm wracking my brain now trying to think of any possible contenders !!!

Over time there have been shocks in our friendship group. The most noticeable was one male partner who was living a double life. Complete family in the next town along. He spent time there, went to parents evenings etc and she had no idea. He said he was just doing over time in his job and she believed him, although there were always short of money. She now understands why. Small in number though and certainly under 10% of my friends have had affiars over a long period.

People just don't talk about it. I recently found out my best friend has an affair and I simply couldn't believe it as there were literally no signs.

I love all the people on here who think they know what other people are up to. Pretty sure there’s plenty you don’t know!

Interesting thread. Affairs are certainly much more common than many on MN like to think. And like a pp I'm not convinced by the argument that middle aged women have too much going on to have affairs. If my life was nothing but caring for disabled children, working full time and running a household with a useless husband, damn right I'd be looking for something else to feel joy.

It is notable that many pp have said that women can be much better at keeping affairs quiet (the old French concept of le jardin secret), whereas men often can't seem to help talking about it and changing their behaviour. Kind of gives the lie to the idea that women are slaves to their emotions, and men are cool-headed (not that I ever bought into that anyway, the opposite is more likely to be true in my experience).

A rock solid couple in our friendship group is dealing with an affair atm, and no one - NO ONE - saw it coming.

So it wouldn’t surprise me if there are a lot more affairs happening than people think.

I had an emotional affair in my 20s (him married, me single - shameful, I know) and later, in my early 30s, a much older married co-worker tried to engineer more time where him and I were working together on projects with no one else involved, which I later concluded was because he hoped if could lead to an affair (thankfully I left the firm for unrelated reasons).

So yeah, affairs seem to be everywhere.

I definitely don't know for sure. I think my closest friends aren't though. I could be wrong.

But the data is always skewed! Because people only talk about the affairs they know about - affairs, by their very nature, are secretive and people are very unlikely to shout about it. So all the people who are adamant that their friends aren’t having affairs - maybe but maybe not. You just never know and that’s often why it’s shocking when it’s outed.

People have been having affairs since the dawn of time. It’s more of a natural state to be honest than monogamy. An uncomfortable truth perhaps for some

I only know of one woman having affairs in my social group and she was pretty open about it. I always thought her husband knew until it all blew up and it became crystal clear that he didn’t have a clue. An horrific mess that left him broken hearted. I genuinely think she was having a bit of fun and never considered that it could end her marriage.

what I do remember is a number of my contemporaries in my mid 20s having affairs with older, senior partners / directors. At the time it was all about how their wives didn’t understand them and they were only together for the kids. What I now recognise as the script but as a fairly naive 20 something was clueless . At 25 I was sympathetic and one of those did turn into a 2nd marriage, albeit a short one. Now I regard it as a very unpleasant power play and have a very dim view.

Totally agree with all of this.

what happened with her affair ?

I don't know for sure, but I definitely suspect that at least two of my friends are having or have had affairs. But it's not the kind of thing you can ask is it?! I would be so offended if someone thought I was having an affair when I wasn't.

Don’t think I’m any the wiser on the prevalence of middle aged woman engaging in extramarital hanky panky. I may be paying a closer eye though on all my friends from now on 😂

However, I can’t count, as can most woman I imagination, the number of times a married man has tried it on with me (with nothing to indicate I’d be interested) and I’m very ordinary.

I'm feeling really left out now.

No one married or otherwise has tried it on with me in 24 years of marriage. I'm generally considered reasonably attractive, l'm personable, I was offered modelling work when younger and I'm still very trim but no one tries it on with me 😭😭😭

@Tooconfused12 " People have been having affairs since the dawn of time. It’s more of a natural state to be honest than monogamy. An uncomfortable truth perhaps for some"

That's your opinion not "an uncomfortable truth" and quite frankly it's a crock.

Here's a newsflash, monogamy isn't compulsory !!

In today's society there are a plethera of different types of non-monogamous relationships : "open" relationships, "open" marriages, (although IMO that's an oxymoron, but I'll put it in for the sake of completeness) gay relationships, swinging, threesomes, BDSM. polyamoury, polygyny, monogamish relationships.

'There's a lid for every pot', as they say, so whatever floats your boat, you can be sure to find a willing participant to join you.

If people think that monogamy is unnatural then they shouldn't sign up for it.

The issue isn't non-monogamy it's people misrepresenting themselves, promising to be monogamous then cheating.

It's the lying and deceit that causes the hurt, more than the actual cheating.

I’ve had 2 affairs and got pregnant during the last one to AP. Nightmare. Only told my best friend and literally no one would suspect it of me.

Perhaps it’s my ordinariness that’s the draw… she’ll be desperate enough 😂

I have been told though that I laugh like someone who’s really filthy in bed and this was a woman.

Did you have the baby? And if so, does your husband or partner know?
You don't have to answer!

😂😂😂

Oh god. what a nightmare. Another reason women have to be so much more discreet than men.

Aren’t there stats though which show something like 5% of children don’t have the dads they think they have. I’m making this number up in the hope that someone corrects me.