Are all my midlife friends having affairs? (Apart from me)

[SnowIsOn]

This was the title of an article in the Times at the weekend.

The writer is an author who in the process of researching a character for her latest book contacted select female friends who then anonymously reported back - 12 out of 17 were having or had had affairs.

Obviously take this fluff piece with a huge pinch of salt but I can only think of a handful of people I know who’ve had affairs and they’re all just acquaintances. So this just doesn’t ring true to me. See it a lot on threads here, but that’s from a huge readership and very self selecting, and it’s mostly the husbands who are doing the dirty.

Or am I very naive, are a large minority of mid life women having affairs and are super good at hiding them?

Got tired of saying ‘and’ or ‘spouse’ 😂 Of course women and unmarried people can behave in exactly the same way. In my own personal experience so far though I know many more married men who have had affairs than women, married or otherwise.
Apologies for singling out one gender, no offence was meant.

People can slip up eventually by getting too complacent or cocky about how good they are at hiding it. Or in a tricky situation quickly hide something temporarily in a not too hard to find place hastily, then forget to move it later.

Was, the affair ended when we came clean. My ex was also married. We’re still together many many years later.

Was a complete mistake to break up and marry other people. That doesn’t justify it in any way but it’s one reason I know “once a cheater; always a cheater” isn’t true in my case. Because there was only ever one person I would have risked everything for. It hurt people and I’ve never rejoiced in that but for the most part, every one has moved on.

I agree that it’s not always that simple
as ‘once a cheater etc’. That’s why I don’t really judge as we never know the true situation

How long were you and the ex apart and married to other people? Were there children involved?

Probably only the ones not boasting,or talking about it.

For every man having an affair there’s almost always a woman involved.
😉😁😁.

This is absolutely backed by actual research. I don't know from where you get your information from.

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/316111235_How_Do_We_Love_Romantic_Love_Style_in_Men_Is_Related_to_Lower_Testosterone_Levels

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0306453003001616

Stats are slightly more men than women have affairs but not a big difference.

I'm not buying 12 in 17, unless this is a particular social crowd in London.

I can think of two women who have had affairs and blown up their relationships, but then they moved on (both getting together with the OM). I don't think I know any other couples where anyone has had an affair. But the stats suggest I should know a few more than 2 so perhaps I just am unaware of all of them.

Mostly husbands? There are several ways this could be true but given that heterosexual affairs involve two people of the opposite sex then

1. A lot of men are having homosexual affairs
2. Most of the affairs involve married (or partnered) men and unmarried women
3. There are a number of women who are having affairs with many different men

Or more likely women are just as involved.

Exactly. Most people on a support forum post about being the victim of an affair rather than the perpetrator, Most people on Mumsnet are heterosexual women. Therefore most affair perpetrators described on Mumsnet will be husbands. It’s not rocket science.

Two of my friends have had affairs that I know of.. one is back with her husband and he knows nothing, the other was a horrible acrimonious end with consequences that effected many.

The irony is they would both be horrified with my lifestyle as I swing with my DH and hurt nobody.

Best seller?

I'm recently separated no one else involved thankfully but what I can tell you is that when I was in the trenches with younger kids I never got approached but in my 50’s it seemed like I was seen as fair game even though married because my kids were older? Or I was less preoccupied? Thankfully I’ve spent so much time on the relationships board in the last 20 years that as soon as it was obvious there was an unspoken energy that they weren’t reigning in I quit whatever it was I had to to get the fuck away. I even had the image people speak about here of a cinema audience watching what was unfolding and screaming and I had that vision and GTFO both times. So thanks for that you lot!

Me, I did.

I met someone and we were acquaintances for a few months, then one day we clicked and we realised we had feelings for each other and confessed to each other. I asked for some time, and then left my husband a week later, and blew my whole life up. We had no kids together.

I don’t know anyone else who is doing this but people dont tend to advertise it.

I am still with OM, and don’t regret being with him at all. I am in love with him. I felt strange around him for this reason from the first time we spoke. We didn’t chase each other, it was not a prolonged affair, not even an emotional affair, so it is confusing for people who know us as they think it’s all lust based but it’s not to us.

I hate the timing and the fall out but I made my bed so I have to lie in it. I hope my ex husband meets someone new and has a happy life

Fair enough @Wallethog I do wish people/society was more understanding of this. I rarely judge as you never know what is going on in other peoples relationships.

I also don’t think we are meant to be with one person for the rest of our lives so we already fighting nature.

I'm not having an affair, not would I as it's scummy behaviour. However, not everyone has children (I don't) and also not all women are looking after their parents. It seems to be mostly on this site where I see people looking after their parents: most of my friends do not.