Are all my midlife friends having affairs? (Apart from me)

[SnowIsOn]

This was the title of an article in the Times at the weekend.

The writer is an author who in the process of researching a character for her latest book contacted select female friends who then anonymously reported back - 12 out of 17 were having or had had affairs.

Obviously take this fluff piece with a huge pinch of salt but I can only think of a handful of people I know who’ve had affairs and they’re all just acquaintances. So this just doesn’t ring true to me. See it a lot on threads here, but that’s from a huge readership and very self selecting, and it’s mostly the husbands who are doing the dirty.

Or am I very naive, are a large minority of mid life women having affairs and are super good at hiding them?

To play devil’s advocate - the men in these situations are married and the women are single. Why are we blaming the women and saying it’s shocking behaviour. The shocking behaviour is from the married men and I always thought that…

Agree.

Slightly related, when I first started working I felt safest having a bit of banter with the men who were married thinking there’s no danger there. I soon learned. Youthful innocence shattered! Only married man I’ve been with is my husband

Most people don’t broadcast their affairs, no matter how well you think you know someone. And to assume people don’t have time for an affair is comical. Work affairs are often self contained so let your imagination run wild with that one.

It is not only men having affairs though.

I have a friend I have known for over 30 years since I was 18. He has never married. He is an incorrigible flirt, and knows marriage and relationships would not have suited him. When we were all the age and stage of getting engaged, he was quite open that there was no point in pursuing the engaged, newly loved up women. Married women though, barely any effort required on his part and they would be arranging to meet him for casual sex.

I'm currently having an affair .... well, I'm now separated, he isn't.

I would have thought the same! Was in a group talking about affairs and ranting it was ridiculous. My husband took me aside two out of the group of 5 were having long term affairs. I was soooo shocked.

Someone in my work actually conceived her child on my work premises. She was single, he was not. His partner also worked with them. This was before I worked there but it’s still spoken about.

I sometimes travel for work and I notice that my ‘attention rate’ goes right up as soon as I enter a hotel by myself, pulling a wheely suitcase. This is especially the case in chain hotels where men are also staying for work. I am minding my own business and not sitting seductively at the bar like that character from ‘Mistresses’, but I guarantee that men in the foyer or lift will attempt to smile, catch my eye or make conversation.

I think that almost all men would given a) opportunity and b) the possibility of getting away with it.

I don't know of any affairs in my social circle, apart from one guy who was a serial cheat but that relationship exploded several years ago now, way before either of them were middle-aged. However I also think my friends are largely smart enough to be discreet and if they did want to tell anyone it wouldn't be me.

I'm not having an affair but as a thought experiement I've gamed out how I'd keep it secret if I was, and it'd be really easy tbh. I'm mostly baffled by how anyone has an affair and fails to keep it secret.

Although I guess it'd depend who I was having the affair with. If I was having an affair it definitely wouldn't be with anyone in my actual social circle, too risky!

You will be very lonely if he becomes unwell (cancer etc) and dies. No one is going to invite you to the funeral etc and you will have to grieve on your own without telling anyone because you were the secret.

I guess there’s more chance gettting caught out these days with all the tracking nonsense. Though I guess yes you can put flight mode on. But you’d need to be secretive with messages but not secretive with your phone (big giveaway).

I think if you work away then easy. Otherwise you’d be conducting the affair in the day.. as where would you say you were overnight?
It depends what is normal for your relationship. So that any change in behaviour would be noticeable.

That might have put a large ginger cat among the pigeons, as regards the columnist and her group of friends! I can't imagine they'll be happy to take up any invitations from her for a while!

Burner phone obv!

Depends what constitutes an affair - lots of people have emotional affairs; mostly at work/the gym/church/temple. Actually meeting up and going on a date, let alone having sex outside that particular setting is for the determined and committed cheaters!

One married chap at work tried it with me. I am friendly with his wife and I said that I will not meet him outside work without her being there.

I don’t think it’s all that complicated to find time. I mean, DH could — he is away a minimum of two nights a week, and also takes longer work trips. He’d have ample time and opportunity. I’m away less, but do conferences and research trips, and I bet I could fit an affair into my regular week, if I really wanted to. My working day is flexible, self-directed and I WFH some days. I could get a hotel room local to my workplace, come home slightly later and go out with ‘friends ’ at night. Someone I know who was having an illicit relationship (not an affair, but something she needed to keep to herself temporarily) said that a local hotel that didn’t have a manned reception, but where you checked in via a sort of vending machine, was full of affairs.

It’s like people thinking the busiest period for prostitutes is late night, after pub closing, when in fact it’s lunchtime and the period just after work, 5-7 pm.

Ha I’d be so rubbish at this!

Yep I guess there’s just a lot of daytime shagging going on.

Lots of opportunities for those who travel with work.

But that’s the pull of many affairs. Your DH is a pain in the ass because he forgets what day swimming lessons are, he’s shit at stacking the dishwasher, you have to ask him a million times to mow the lawn, wash the car or whatever. You are both in the trenches of domesticity.

Meeting up for a quick shag with an old flame or a bloke from work is just what many married people are after. Just fun. No chat about car insurance being due, no farting in bed, no arguing over who is more tired.

I think people saying I’m too bogged down with work, kids, parents, school crap, after school clubs etc to have an affair - it’s all that shit which makes people need to escape the mundane marital bubble.

I understand all that, but what I struggle to get my head round is how someone could have an affair knowing if/when its discovered their children will know about it and judge them harshly.

I know a fair few people whose parents divorced due to infidelity. Not one has a good opinion about the parent who was the adulterer.

I couldn't bear my children thinking so badly of me and knowing I'd messed up their homelife.

But aren’t discovered burner phones often the first give away?

Video doorbells, phone locations, open access to each others phones, devices even bank accounts - we only have small amounts in our own accounts for personal spending, shared credit cards, and I would question and cash withdrawals from our main account - these would all make it pretty difficult for me or my DH. Unless it was someone very local and very quick shags!

I agree! I do think tech can in some ways make it harder. Everything is online these days and lots of places don’t accept cash. It wouldn’t take much digging to uncover evidence I think.

For example we know each other’s phone passwords. We share an IPad which has my email on and his photos get uploaded straight on to there from his phone.

I think it takes a lot of thinking!