Are all my midlife friends having affairs? (Apart from me)

[SnowIsOn]

This was the title of an article in the Times at the weekend.

The writer is an author who in the process of researching a character for her latest book contacted select female friends who then anonymously reported back - 12 out of 17 were having or had had affairs.

Obviously take this fluff piece with a huge pinch of salt but I can only think of a handful of people I know who’ve had affairs and they’re all just acquaintances. So this just doesn’t ring true to me. See it a lot on threads here, but that’s from a huge readership and very self selecting, and it’s mostly the husbands who are doing the dirty.

Or am I very naive, are a large minority of mid life women having affairs and are super good at hiding them?

It might be that your friends aren't publicly announcing their affairs....

Nailed it (no pun intended)

12 out of 17? Wtf! I don’t know anyone who has time for an affair 😅😅😅

I think more people are than you realise. Women and men. They just don’t talk about it.

I think it's probably more than you think, but not (generally) as many as 12 in 17.

I’d be completely amazed if any of our friends are having affairs.

2 of them did actually, but that was a while ago and they’ve both got divorced and gone on to marry the other women.

Exactly! Where on earth are people finding the time?

Of all my really close female friends I’d be totally shocked if any of them were. So in my sphere it’s 0%!

I knew a few women when I was in my twenties (work acquaintances not friends) who were allegedly having affairs.

None of the women I know in my forties or fifties have any time for affairs, everyone is working full time, managing their homes, dealing with teenagers and elderly parents, attempting to keep fit and still fit in a wee bit of time for meeting up with friends occasionally.

I know one friend who had an affair and left her husband for the OM - she was dealing with teens, ft work etc but managed to find the time and they lived 100 miles apart too!

Ps I didn't know about it til the point where she left her husband so I agree people don't shout it from the rooftops!

Me neither !

Some people have too much time on their hands.

I totally disagree with your point about it’s mostly men doing the dirty.

Dreadful morals but really excellent time management skills obviously.

Her poor family.

DH and I know various men who are having affairs as they’ve blabbed down the pub or they’ve been seen. I think women are much more discreet (I’m guessing.) Oh and also I think men are much less likely to think their wives are cheating than vice versa, so they are less likely to get caught.

I am not. I don't think any of my friends are either. Most are too busy sorting out kids with MH issues, kids who can't get jobs or move out, elderly parents, grumpy Victor Meldrew husbands, jobs disappearing to AI... etc etc. If they get any time, they want to read a good book!

😂

Segue, but in midlife what I would really like to do is make new women friends and see more of my old ones. I am far more interested in women than I am in men.

When I was "midlife" I was single (divorced) and met a few divorced men who's wives had cheated.
In all cases it was with someone at work, so it could be covered up nicely ( residential training courses, emergency meetings on Saturdays to discuss takeover bids, working lunches with alcohol, setting up promotional displays after work, etc etc)

I agree women are more discreet.

I’m clearly very unobservant! Can’t imagine my own work place is a hot bed of sexual dalliances though!

Me and my mates all have kids under 5 and FT jobs... I dont think affairs are rife right now in my friendship set

I mean from what is posted on MN. Lots of affairs & devastating fallout, but it’s not women who cheat who are reporting it here.

Real life, well it’s got to be closer 50:50 isn’t it.

Interesting. I also had the impression that men were more likely to have affairs. But in our local friendship group there are two men (now married/partnered to my friends) whose first marriages both failed because of the wife's infidelity. In both cases the husband was willing to forgive but the wife decided she wanted to be with OM. One of the wives had had serial affairs/flings before finding "the one" she wanted to marry next.

Actually, can't believe i didn't think of this but it's so far in the past, but my husband was married before (briefly) and the marriage failed due to her affair with OM who she later married.

Overall though, out of people we know/ are related to, the man cheating is more common. But that's just what we are aware of. I agree women tend to be more discreet so we won't know about a lot of it.

In my experience (which is limited, but a few people in my family have had affairs) men tend to come out and tell their wife (and leave) vs woman tend to be outed by the wife or by someone else. Or in the case of my aunt we didn’t find out till after she was dead.

Of course, this being MN, when women cheat, there's any number of perfectly justifiable reasons for it. That's almost never the case for men.

No, I disagree. Whenever I’ve seen a female poster admit to cheating (or knowingly having an affair with a married man) she invariably gets her head in her hands.