Colleague’s wife upset about our friendship, am I being naive?

[Bingowashisnameoh1]

I have a fabulous, kind colleague at work, he’s great fun to be with and I feel very lucky that we are friends. We share lots in common and could honestly natter for hours. There are many other lovely people in the department who are good friends too. It’s not exclusive.
Out of the blue his wife called me late one evening, I didn’t answer and there was no message. I assumed from his wife as the caller profile photo was of the two of them. We have never met so it was odd that she would even have my number. I spoke with him about this and he explained she’s been upset about our friendship for a while and had seen some of our messages.
I’m happily married and have no intention of leaving my family. I understand how she must feel and I’m sorry, but it really it is just friendship. There is no physical attraction there. Friends have always been very important to me and I think in life when you find such a friend, it’s a rare thing and their gender shouldn’t matter.
I have confided in a friend and she thinks I am playing with fire. Am I being naive?

"No harm done"

Jesus Christ. Imagine actually thinking like this. I thank god that my marriage isn't this suffocating.

“People don't talk about problems with their marriages to opposite sex colleagues/friends if there isn't a frisson of interest there. It's opening up emotionally which gives a signal of availability”

Not sure I agree with this at all. Often we seek the viewpoint of a friend that is the same sex as our partner because they may be able to give us insight into how the other sex thinks. It’s really sad that this is being portrayed as some kind of sexual come on.

If I was friends with anyone, male or female, and my actions were causing problems in their marriage, I would stop those actions. Being a good friend is wanting the other person to be happy.

Your friend has told you that your “playful” texts when he’s at home with his wife is causing problems in his marriage, so if you like him as much as you say why are you continuing to do something completely unnecessary that makes his home life uncomfortable?

YABU.

He likes you and she’s picked up on it, fuelled by her insecurity because their relationship is fucked. Have some respect and step back a bit, saving their marriage is more important that saving your friendship, particularly if there’s kids involved. You’re not obliged to, but it would be the right thing to do.

If you genuinely care about this man, then put in some boundaries. You are making his wife feel threatened and sad. You could well be the very reason he isn’t happy at home.

Your posts come across as quite self indulgent- you enjoy the conversations, so you message. Just back off a little from messaging outside of work, and let him have time with his wife. You’ll still get to see him at work, as a friend.

If you’re completely honest with yourself, are you enjoying the banter in a way that you acknowledge could upset a partner? No need to answer that one; it’s for you to think on.

Maybe it's because I've reached the age where I've learned not to bother making new friends who are such unpleasant people that they're willing to make their spouse uncomfortable, because it just brings drama to everyone involved, but (assuming this thread is real, which I think is very questionable), I'd jettison him.

I also agree with @GreenCaterpillarOnALeaf. In a potentially tricky situation, why not put everyone at ease by getting together with spouses or partners?

Yep, and loving it.

In which case you are being very naive.
This is The Script.

Well mines not suffocating either! Because neither my husband or I prioritise our opposite sex (or same sex) friends and certainly not on some attention seeker from work.

Probably because he spends "hours nattering" with you, giving you lots of time and thoughts and not to his wife? 🤔

“You don’t sound naive, to me it sounds like you know exactly what you are doing.“

couldn’t agree more.

Op even more reason to back off she will be insecure her dh might be a miserable bastard at home and your getting all his niceness just keep it in work no more messages. Op your husband might not mind but his wife does some men like getting there ego boosted surely you could be talking to own dh or your other friends. It’s not controlling it’s insecurity.

Probably enough material for a daily mail clickbait article by now

Personally I’d be backing off if his wife was contacting me outside of work, not because I necessarily felt I’d done anything wrong but because I’d want to make things easy for myself & not get involved in the drama. You can still be friendly but I wouldn’t want a close friendship with him in that situation.

If he was a friend you would have answered the call from his wife.. something could have happened to him, or she could have wanted to discuss something with you, but instead you've jumped to conclusions about what she was messaging you for.. and we know that because you went straight to him to tell him she had tried to call.. why?

You would also be transparent with your own husband about these messages if it was completely innocent, there's a reason you are doing this in secret.

This is not just a friendship and you know it.. you obviously enjoy the attention and so does he, but stop acting like the victim here as you aren't.

Exactly this.

If I was married and had an opposite sex colleague that I really got on well with, I would invite them and their spouse over for dinner, or out to the pub, with my husband present. That would keep everything clear and above board

Exactly. We all know the OP will be sleeping with this man by Christmas. Some women find breaking up marriages a turn on.

You see him at work every day, no need for chat or ‘banter’ outside work. And this doesn’t mean you’re ’banned’ from contact, but there is a difference between eg forwarding a funny meme once a week and flirting by text all evening.

This is bad for BOTH your marriages. If you’re bored - get a hobby that isn’t a married man.

He probably talks about you non stop, do you ever text all evening? If so she has every right to be peed off if he is on his phone all night to you. Speaking from experience as the wife this isn't likely to end well unless you both back off

You're not naive at all. You know exactly what you're doing and what's more, you're enjoying every minute of it.

Aah yes and flirty text conversations with his female colleague will help enormously.

If it was an emotional affair and you were planning to run off together the texts would probably start as they are now - so it’s reasonable she is cautious

@PGmicstand

"I wouldn't give up my friends because my DH didn't like it. I wouldn't expect him to do so either"

....But have either of you crossed/would cross the line, as @Bingowashisnameoh1 has, knowing everything she knows about this man, the state of his marriage and how his wife feels?

We all have boundaries, it is definitely his problem to address and if she is a decent human, @Bingowashisnameoh1 should not exacerbate the situation with her alleged "naïvety" 🤦‍♀️

I think it’s up to your colleague to have a proper conversation with his wife. It’s not your responsibility to smooth out their marriage. BUT, from your posts, it does sound like you are edging towards being more than friends, even if nothing has happened. Your friend has read your texts as an independent observer and thinks they sound ‘playful’. I would pay heed. Do you exchange ‘playful’ texts with any of your other colleagues or friends?

He's not a nice person because he is willing to upset his wife by continuing a friendship with you. Why do you want to be friends with someone who is not a nice person? It may be perfectly innocent and she may be jealous and controlling but you're helping to make a bad situation worse.