Colleague’s wife upset about our friendship, am I being naive?

[Bingowashisnameoh1]

I have a fabulous, kind colleague at work, he’s great fun to be with and I feel very lucky that we are friends. We share lots in common and could honestly natter for hours. There are many other lovely people in the department who are good friends too. It’s not exclusive.
Out of the blue his wife called me late one evening, I didn’t answer and there was no message. I assumed from his wife as the caller profile photo was of the two of them. We have never met so it was odd that she would even have my number. I spoke with him about this and he explained she’s been upset about our friendship for a while and had seen some of our messages.
I’m happily married and have no intention of leaving my family. I understand how she must feel and I’m sorry, but it really it is just friendship. There is no physical attraction there. Friends have always been very important to me and I think in life when you find such a friend, it’s a rare thing and their gender shouldn’t matter.
I have confided in a friend and she thinks I am playing with fire. Am I being naive?

Yes you are.

Yes.

What did the messages say?

No you're not. I have several male friends some colleagues some not. Not everyone wants to have an affair! As long as he's not telling you all about their sex life etc then I don't see the problem

I don’t think it’s on you at all. I do think he’s being an arsehole though, if it’s all just platonic for him and you’re just colleagues it really wouldn’t hurt him to cut you off, block you, stop talking to you outside of work due to the fact his wife, the most important person to him, is unhappy about it. If she’s seen your messages then she’s upset about something. He doesn’t need to speak to you outside of work at all, so he should stop. No harm done.

Do you text a lot? Call a lot? For her to have any concern your number must surely be flashing up on his phone quite a bit. If he’s sat at home texting you when he should be talking to his wife can you truly not see why she would be worried about that?

Does not really matter what you think. She's uncomfortable with it and has asked you to stop. That's it really. It's a shame you're losing a friend but he has to prioritise her.

Absolutely you are , what does your husband think? Are you 100% sure it's as platonic from your colleagues side? Regardless of anything you may feel the wife is unhappy and her feelings need to be respected by you both

Why are you messaging outside of work?

Yes, shes uncomfortable back off.

It’s absolutely fine to have male friends.

Do you not have friends at work? I’ve made loads of friends at work and we message outside work. We even meet up for drinks, keep in contact after we have worked together, etc. I’ve been to lots of work friends weddings, birthdays, christenings, etc.

Isn’t it her husbands job to back off if she’s uncomfortable?

I think there must be something in his behaviour relating to you that has alerted her to the friendship crossing a boundary from his side.

I don't think you have BU, but I think you should not dismiss her impression of things and should reflect on whether things are really as you assumed them to be with this friendship.

Because I enjoy our conversations. He replies so I assume he’s happy to hear from me.

I understand how she must feel

If you really do then surely you must realise you need to cool your relationship with her H.
He must be spending a good percentage of time feeding your friendship and neglecting his relationship with her - his supposed life partner- if she was disturbed enough to try and contact you.

Perhaps you should read some of the distressing threads on MN about emotional affairs where work supposed friendships destroy marriages and relationships.

So have I. We occasionally message when it’s something relevant. What I wouldn’t do is continue doing something that makes my husband uncomfortable because I value him above any friendships made in the workplace.

Why is it always the woman’s fault? His wife needs to stick the primary relationship and that is her husband. If he’s behaving in a way that makes her feel unhappy they need to sort that out. You can’t start contacting randoms and demanding stuff.

op you’ve done nothing wrong. Tell your friend to sort his shit out.

What’s the content of the messages? That’s important.

Because they’re friends?

If this man’s wife is uncomfortable then it’s his job to put a boundary in place. I find it so weird that everyone is blaming the OP here.

If it’s got to the point where his wife’s calling you and been upset a while, it’s time to switch back to just being colleagues. There’s some major threads on here where wives are dealing with DHs intense friendships with female colleagues and even when no line has practically been crossed, it’s clearly a problem for the marriage and better to not add to it. I’ve got lots of male friends but if things get into grey areas - and a wife getting upset would be a big one - then I’d back right off and think less of him for not prioritising his marriage over me. You just don’t wanna be involved in that drama.

Also would be interesting to know how your husband feels about this friendship too.

Exactly!

If this man’s wife is uncomfortable then that’s his problem to deal with. It’s completely inappropriate that she’s ringing the OP!

Not your fault OP - but maybe he has form and she's sensitive as a result? Either way I'd probably have a chat with the friend and back off a bit for the time being.

You’re right.

But some of my friends have had their partner tell them they’re not allowed to have friends of the opposite sex before and regularly question them over who the females were on their Facebook friends list.

Not surprisingly those relationships have all ended. Relationships need trust in them.