Colleague’s wife upset about our friendship, am I being naive?

[Bingowashisnameoh1]

I have a fabulous, kind colleague at work, he’s great fun to be with and I feel very lucky that we are friends. We share lots in common and could honestly natter for hours. There are many other lovely people in the department who are good friends too. It’s not exclusive.
Out of the blue his wife called me late one evening, I didn’t answer and there was no message. I assumed from his wife as the caller profile photo was of the two of them. We have never met so it was odd that she would even have my number. I spoke with him about this and he explained she’s been upset about our friendship for a while and had seen some of our messages.
I’m happily married and have no intention of leaving my family. I understand how she must feel and I’m sorry, but it really it is just friendship. There is no physical attraction there. Friends have always been very important to me and I think in life when you find such a friend, it’s a rare thing and their gender shouldn’t matter.
I have confided in a friend and she thinks I am playing with fire. Am I being naive?

Not sure that subtle distinction holds up when you have an unhappy marriage. Flirting IS being playful and teasing. It’s naive to think otherwise.

Hardly, do you see me saying "do what your husband says"? I, and others who have posted, are just interested to know if her husband is actually as comfortable with it as she claims he would be. If he is that's great - but she and this colleague still need to step away from each other as it's overstepping boundaries in his marriage.

I've been the wife seeing these messages and being told they're innocent and my ex now lives with the female colleague, so I'm seeing it for the red flag bunting that it is.

Exactly.
@Bingowashisnameoh1 if you were naive you'd have answered the call assuming it was about a surprise party, or a terrible accident, or your good friend borrowing his wife's phone because he'd lost his and needed a favour, or any of a hundred non-affair related reasons you might receive a call from a friend's spouse.

This is not what is going on here though @FluffMagnet

Every one of your colleagues with whom you have a great relationship are all secure enough within their own personal bonds not to feel threatened, at all.

@Bingowashisnameoh1 is invalidating the wife's discomfort under the pretext that it's all "just innocent banter" and lapping it up which is totally unedifying

I haven’t RTFT but I’d second this. Get to know her, if she’s open to that, and you might also find another friend in each other. It might give her some comfort.

or if you don’t gel then maybe just reduce the msgs so that she doesn’t feel insecure. Like a PO said, maybe he’s been inappropriate in the past and you’re not aware and it’s stirring up emotions for the wife.

So rather than put effort into his marriage and talk with his wife in the evenings, he's messaging you instead. Regardless of your intent you're being very naive.

Not quite.
The friend said they could be viewed as playful.
The OP recognises they could be upsetting to the wife.
However the OP maintains they are 'silly banter' rather than flirtatious.
That's a very fine line to draw - playful, silly banter that could upset a wife BUT not flirtatious 🤔

Agree I have very good long term male friends who I can absolutely laugh and joke with but I’ve bet all of the attached ones partners and made sure they’re comfortable with our friendship

My closest male friend is currently single as am I so we communicate freely and can platonically flirt. However we both have boundaries and if/when either of us are in a relationship then we tone things down and step back it’s about respect

You can definitely have opposite sex platonic friends at work.

However, OP knows exactly what's going on here and she's enjoying her false 'just an innocent chum, I'm shocked' vibe.

If a friend's partner phoned me late at night I would definitely answer the phone; because I would assume something was up and I would want to know what and how I could help. The fact that she didn't answer shows that she knew it was going to be a difficult conversation; difficult for her and doubly difficult if her own husband was within earshot. Why would it be difficult if things were as innocent as she claimed?

She 'gets the impression' he's not happy at home? How does she get that impression? They must be talking about his marriage. People don't talk about problems with their marriages to opposite sex colleagues/friends if there isn't a frisson of interest there. It's opening up emotionally which gives a signal of availability

She's trying to get approval here, but she's being called out instead

Ive always had male friends but the few who have made a move on me Ive ended the friendship right away. I dont steal husbands.
I tend to see married men together with their wives only, I dont want to be responsible for causing aggro in a marriage.
My friends tend to be gay or single men.
I prefer ro stay single anyway Im not interested in romantic relationships after three marriages.

How do you know the 1 that is upset has even seen the messages? All we have to go on is a declined phone call suspected to have been friend’s wife.

OP said: I spoke with him about this and he explained she’s been upset about our friendship for a while and had seen some of our messages

Does he ever instigate the exchanges or does he only reply?

In any case, are you going to stop texting now you know it's causing issues? I would not be happy about a jealous/paranoid wife calling me.

And I do wonder if he's cheated on her before, hence the caution on her part.

Oh behave! You know exactly why this is not on.

If you’re so sure your DH would be ok with the messages, show him and ask his advice.

This!!

If you don’t want to…. There is your answer!

It doesn’t matter that you’re married, just mates, no attraction etc if they have issues in their relationship and it’s upsetting her you back off. It’s a no brainer.

Yes, but you can be playful without flirting. Most playful chit chat is not flirting or implicitly sexual.

Thank you, I missed that, it’s been a fast moving thread.

It's more that maybe that your colleague was just better at doing platonic friendships and didn't seem to set off anyone's spidey senses.
I have a couple of male friends who it's never ever been weird with and I've been friends for decades, although none that I would be texting so much that their wife got freaked out.
You really do have to be careful with heterosexual platonic friendships though, because men are mostly only ever one stupid step away from fucking their whole lives up.

Keep your friendship work time only as much as possible. Do you really need the drama? I doubt it. You need to develop other friendships and I think you need to wise up about men

Currently self employed as a tutor so I don’t really have “work friends” any more but when I did if I wanted to befriend a married man I would suggest hanging out with spouses. Like “oh you and your Mrs should come and play darts with me and DH we can do boys vs girls”. It was always very fun and it just removes any awkwardness. DH does this as well and it’s great because I get to make new friends and it removes any anxiety. I trust him so I’m not really anxious but this is just kind of a “rule” we have naturally established.

It’s a simple and fun way to put everyone at ease and sometimes even make a new friend! People have affairs, most affairs start at work. I can understand why this woman is anxious.

Can you give an example of a playful, but not flirty, text you would send a married colleague?

This is a completely different scenario though surely to the one the OP has described?

I have male friends, my husband has female friends.
But when I tell other people this, they always seem to think that the other people in the friendship have an ulterior motive.
I've been friends with my male friend for 12 years. My DH has met him, and we've had a few days out together.
My DH has been friends with a woman for some 16 years. She was recently widowed. When I mentioned this in passing to people I was talking to about our friendships, their first thought was that the widow would start 'putting out feelers' to my DH.
I find that appalling. I met her and her husband. She adored him. She has been absolutely devastated by his death - he was young, in his early 50s.

There most certainly ARE people who are predatory, who are just friends with people until they can get their leg over. But not every single friendship is like that.

I wouldn't give up my friends because my DH didn't like it. I wouldn't expect him to do so either. You either trust the person you're with or you don't. And if you don't then it doesn't seem worth it to be with them.

Yep. The fact he’s betrayed his wife by gossiping about her behind her back says it all
At the very least he’s loving the fact she’s jealous

The wife is uncomfortable with the situation and has already tried to call the OP.
The husband knows the wife is uncomfortable with his friendship/relationship with the OP and is now indicating to the OP he’s not happy at home.
OP thinks there’s nothing wrong with a few messages they’ve been sharing and these could be construed as “playful” (flirting).
OP hasn’t told her husband of these messages or the “friendship” and sees nothing wrong with verging on an emotional affair with her coworker. Why has she not told her husband? So when the shit hits the fan she can stand in wide eyed faux innocence and claim it was “just a friendship” not to fuck her own marriage up.

Any normal human being would back off this friendship, no woman with any morals would want to cause trouble in someone’s marriage…