Colleague’s wife upset about our friendship, am I being naive?

[Bingowashisnameoh1]

I have a fabulous, kind colleague at work, he’s great fun to be with and I feel very lucky that we are friends. We share lots in common and could honestly natter for hours. There are many other lovely people in the department who are good friends too. It’s not exclusive.
Out of the blue his wife called me late one evening, I didn’t answer and there was no message. I assumed from his wife as the caller profile photo was of the two of them. We have never met so it was odd that she would even have my number. I spoke with him about this and he explained she’s been upset about our friendship for a while and had seen some of our messages.
I’m happily married and have no intention of leaving my family. I understand how she must feel and I’m sorry, but it really it is just friendship. There is no physical attraction there. Friends have always been very important to me and I think in life when you find such a friend, it’s a rare thing and their gender shouldn’t matter.
I have confided in a friend and she thinks I am playing with fire. Am I being naive?

So you saw the profile picture as it was ringing, just assumed it was his wife ringing you late at night, but didn't answer?

Sounds a bit odd, or maybe like a Saturday windup, OP?

If your husband was doing the same, however innocent, and you were very upset because of your insecurities, you would 100% expect him to be more concerned with your feelings than maintaining a "friendship" with some insensitive colleague.

Naïve?

Although not your responsibility, and irrespective that you probably think she's being daft (because it's all just innocent) surely it's enough, knowing that she's upset, for you to step back?

His stupidity and lack of compassion for his wife, actually, should tell you everything you need to know about this man!!

Hopefully, it's not just an ego massage for you @Bingowashisnameoh1, is it?

This is basically impossible to say because we don’t know what you’re messaging about all the frequency of it.

If you’re sending the occasional message and it’s in the realm of work / hobbies / mutual friends eg casual things then she’s being ridiculous.

If you’re messaging constantly through the evening, so all she’s seeing at her end is him on the phone enjoying speaking to you more than he’s speaking to her, then he’s got a problem to sort out.

She sounds insecure.

Next time I would answer and explain that you are happily married and you’re not going to stop talking to someone because of her paranoia.

Her jealousy and insecurity are not your problem.

I can understand why she could have been upset from a few of them as when I showed my friend she said they could have been viewed as playful. But it wasn’t flirtatious, it was just silly banter.

So his wife has got a point then?

😒

If she’s uncomfortable with their friendship then she needs to speak to her DH about it.

Its not for OP to manage their relationship for them.

What is he giving you that you're not getting from your DH?

And yes, you are being naive if you think persistently messaging a male colleague for a chat out of hours isn't going to have consequences. There might not be attraction on your side – except there is, because you crave his input, and that's an emotional attraction – but there might be on his and this friendship is causing his wife pain.

What the actual eff?
Cut off a friend to please a paranoid, controlling spouse or you’re the arsehole.

Honestly I feel like you've made this thread just to hear people say he obviously fancies you etc, boost your ego, so I won't play along with that.

Whether it's just a friendship doesn't matter, if it's upsetting his wife and he chooses to carry on, he's a terrible husband.

My exhusband had friends at work and spent a lot of time in the pub with them after work even though he had a wife and 2 very young children at home. That morphed into spending time with a particular female colleague who I was told repeatedly was just a friend and I was being paranoid. ' You're so old fashioned. Men and women can be friends you know'. She was 17 , single and lived with her parents. He rented a flat and left us when our children were 3 and 2 to set up home with his 'friend' that I was 'paranoid' about.

No one should have to curtail friendships at the suggestion of their partner / that’s absuive

i mean in this case I would speak to the wife - had he history ? Suggest you all meet up for coffee so she can get to know you

His wife was U to call you.

You’re being lax with your own marriage: poor boundaries. Long conversations and text banter.

Often said on here that it’s strange that these men don’t form new, ‘close’ friendships with male colleagues.

Her feeling are her problem. There is no reason to end a friendship because someone else has uncomfortable feelings.

OP, You're going to get a split reaction on here- those who say its fine to have opposite sex friends and those who say they as a wife of your friend would be uncomfortable with it. But can you genuinely say none of your messages go close to or cross any lines of what some wives may find unacceptable or uncomfortable? That's what I think I'd be asking myself. Overall, this IS as some have said for them to sort out but, also, I would be questioning if you've ever gone a bit too far, even in 'banter'

Well "playful" and "silly banter" is very subjective.

I think you should keep your friendship to real life in the office and completely stop texting him when he is home with his wife because it sounds like you are causing real problems with your "playfulness" 🙄.

Concentrate on your own husband, family and other friends.

I can understand why she could have been upset from a few of them

Well stop with the messages then! If you are a good friend then be a better friend to his marriage. Just because you enjoy chatting isn't a reason to put your feelings over a marriage- yours and his.

Show your husband the messages as well.

I think it's fine to have male friends.

I think there is a danger that male friendships can develop into emotional affairs.

I don't think we, on this thread can tell whether this is a case of paranoid wife, or whether you are getting close to the line. You describe your messages as "silly banter". I wonder if he talks like that to his wife?

I agree it's on the husband to maintain boundaries, but it's also on OP to respect them.

No you’re not being naive you’re flirting with a married man and playing the wide eyed faux innocent.

You and him know exactly what you’re doing so drop the pretence, stay friends at work, keep better boundaries and both back off with the outside work flirting.

So why didn't you pick up her call? If you assumed it was coming from her phone, due to the profile pic? I mean, he could have borrowed her phone or she could have been calling to let you know something had happened to him. It's not like it was a totally mysterious number, apparently.

Yes, if he wants to keep his wife. Perhaps he doesn’t and that’s fine, but his wife is showing her cards and laying her boundaries and if one of those boundaries is cut off a colleagues ‘playful’ messages and he considers his wife his most important person then why wouldn’t he? I have never asked my husband to cut off any of his female friends, because I have had no reason to, but this man’s wife sees reason to, so he should respect that.

Don't completely agree with that. Her feelings won't be "her" problem if she has seen or heard content that is flirtatious or not appropriate to just a friendship.

keep your banter verbal and in the office and everything is fine. Don't overstep the boundaries of work friendship.

I am not jealous and my DH has several female friends (all of whom, i think, are in relationships) and it doesn't bother me if they are messaging or talking - i don't think they message outside of their work chat though, i don't monitor his phone use.

But i also get that some women are jealous of any interaction with any other woman by their partner and their partner's need to work within what is comfortable.

I really do not understand this view that your partner must meet all your needs. That sounds hugely naive and romanticised to me.

It is perfectly normal to have a wider support network of friends of both sexes where your needs are met by partner plus the network.

It isn’t good to depend on one person for everything.