Colleague’s wife upset about our friendship, am I being naive?

[Bingowashisnameoh1]

I have a fabulous, kind colleague at work, he’s great fun to be with and I feel very lucky that we are friends. We share lots in common and could honestly natter for hours. There are many other lovely people in the department who are good friends too. It’s not exclusive.
Out of the blue his wife called me late one evening, I didn’t answer and there was no message. I assumed from his wife as the caller profile photo was of the two of them. We have never met so it was odd that she would even have my number. I spoke with him about this and he explained she’s been upset about our friendship for a while and had seen some of our messages.
I’m happily married and have no intention of leaving my family. I understand how she must feel and I’m sorry, but it really it is just friendship. There is no physical attraction there. Friends have always been very important to me and I think in life when you find such a friend, it’s a rare thing and their gender shouldn’t matter.
I have confided in a friend and she thinks I am playing with fire. Am I being naive?

You are absolutely allowed to have friends of the opposite sex. My best friend is a man, in fact we are going out tonight (Saturday) to a dance performance. My husband isn't coming as he doesn't fancy it.
We message each other every day! If I dont hear from him within 24 hrs I start to worry (he has recently been diagnosed with a heart condition).
We've been fruends for over 20 years and close for about 15 of them.
There is absolutely no 'sexual' attraction between us. We just love lots of the same things and enjoy chatting to each other.
I realise its probably an unconventional friendship but there it is, it works, and truth be told I would be lost without him.

(I am also very good friends with this man's ex wife! ).

You suspect he’s unhappy at home, your messages include banter which you’re not surprised upsets his wife.
Maybe he’s unhappy at home because he is expending more energy chatting to you then he puts into his home life and as a consequence there is resentment.
You need to take a step back being a friend does not mean it should be to the detriment of other things.
People can be friends with whomever they choose however there are sometimes consequences.
His consequence might be that his wife has enough of the banter and messages and decides she no longer wants to be in a relationship with someone who is putting a friend before her feelings/needs.
I have male friends but if my DH expressed unease about aspects of our friendship I wouldn’t just say tough and carry on so it’s interesting your friend is choosing to put you first….

Yes. YABVU.
Back off. It's making her uncomfortable

So she must show her husband and then submit to his judgement?
Have I stumbled into a tradwife thread?

Over and over I see threads on Mumsnet where a wife ( usually) is upset that their husband has a too close for comfort friendship with a female work colleague. This happens a lot! The advice is always to be wary, not to trust the colleague etc etc.

OP is really back off. Keep your correspondence formal and professional and only chat during working hours.

I've been on the other side of this, it's not a nice place to be. I've also watched my sister wreck a few marriages over the years.

It's actually very simple. You have two choices.

1. Are you a nice person? If yes, then you know that you've upset his wife, so bloody step back, stop messaging and leave him to sort out his marriage.

1. Are you deeply insecure inside, so need the attention of your "friends" to prove to yourself that you are popular, and don't like being told no, because you believe that you've done nothing wrong? If so, carry on messaging your work colleague, but you'll always know who you really are.

Bingo.

I'm guessing you're not sending 'playful' messages to your female friends when seeking emotional support.

🤣 yep- Oh God OP- surely you cant be this naive?

This is a line straight out of the cheaters textbook. Its cringe.

Do you sent this friend flirty texts that your own friends and his partner would find inappropriate? If not then hardly the same situation.

A lot depends on the context, timing and frequency of the messages. Sometimes boundaries can be unintentionally crossed, and there can be difference between male friendships and (platonic) male/female friendships in terms of frequency of contact - blokes can be notoriously bad at keeping in touch and from experience I find female friends can often be better for that. But, if the messaging is daily/almost daily and involves discussion about unhappy home life a line probably has been crossed.

I can understand why she could have been upset from a few of them as when I showed my friend she said they could have been viewed as playful. But it wasn’t flirtatious, it was just silly banter.

Playful? Why are you messaging a married man playful banter? That's beyond "friend" territory. How long are you spending messaging him in the evenings?

I haven’t shown him the messages because why would I? But I think my husband would be fine with it.

I think you should show him. I'm pretty sure he would not be, even if he says he is.

He hasn’t told me but I get the impression he’s not very happy at home.

Oh come on now, really? What would give you that impression if he's not said anything.

I'm sorry @Bingowashisnameoh1 but you know exactly what you are doing and you are enjoying it. At least be honest with yourself.

You've got all day to banter with him. Leave the evenings and weekends to his family.

You reply and say “Not a problem Brian, absolutely nothing untoward was meant but I fully respect your wife’s position. I’ll keep our friendship purely within the office and within office hours, no biggie. See you Monday!”

It’s also amount of contact isn’t it.

I msg multiple friends including 2 men who are as good as girlfriends, I know both their wives. I have known one for 30 years and one for 20 years.

If you are at the stage of multiple messages a day and look forward to his messages more than others then yes there is a problem with you. But ultimately if you give a genuine shit about this man you wouldn’t want his wife to be upset.

Yes I do. We have grim sense of humour and so yes some of the messages are playful when we are needing to be cheered up.

My thoughts exactly.

Yeah, you're being quite naive OP. If hes not happy at home, then I think if his wife is noticing that a hell of a lot of his social attention is going on playful banter and great connection with his female colleague, then you are a threat to their marriage, and this guy is probably mirroring you and getting an ego boost from your attention.

I think you just can't really have these sort of friendships with guys very often once you're past your teens, except maybe rare occasions, but I don't think it's wise. I think your perceived connection is at the expense of her and probably highlights how little he gives her and how he's not playful or bantery with her anymore.
She might have not known how to approach it and was reaching out rather than on the attack.

I would absolutely back off at this point if I were you.

No one has sent flirty texts in this situation. OP and her female friend who looked at the messages have both said the texts were playful, but not flirtatious.

Its not about this though. Its obvious from what the OP has said that there has been 'playful' banter that even the OP acknowledged might have upset his wife. And the level of messaging constantly including when he's home...I don't think this fits into the category of people not being allowed friendships with men/women. Its about whats actually appropriate.

Then he should address that like a decent adult and not out his energy, social time and positivity into a friendship with another woman.

Can you imagine how painful that is for his wife? That indication that he doesn’t much care makes him a pretty shit human and I don’t know what the appeal is to be so friendly with someone who makes his wife feel that way.

Don’t be part of his problem. Step away for her benefit.

She is not going to. 🙄.

This, ^^
Why would you want to cause upset to another woman such that you suspect shes phoned you?

You might be a catalyst for other issues in his marriage you don’t know about.

Do you really want your name to be dragged into rows he’s having with her? Poor wife.
You are instrumental in shaking her foundations.

Back OFF.

No, she needs another perspective on the messages. She's already asked her friend who thinks they're 'playful' 🤔
There are 4 people involved here, and 1 is very upset and thinks the messages are inappropriate.
It may be that this person is just hysterical and oversensitive in which case the other partner involved can confirm that.
But if he also finds the messages inappropriate, it suggests the OP needs to stop.

Yes- I would also like to know the answer to this. If your relationship is completely platonic then surely you wouldn't mind a jot having a word with his wife