Colleague’s wife upset about our friendship, am I being naive?

[Bingowashisnameoh1]

I have a fabulous, kind colleague at work, he’s great fun to be with and I feel very lucky that we are friends. We share lots in common and could honestly natter for hours. There are many other lovely people in the department who are good friends too. It’s not exclusive.
Out of the blue his wife called me late one evening, I didn’t answer and there was no message. I assumed from his wife as the caller profile photo was of the two of them. We have never met so it was odd that she would even have my number. I spoke with him about this and he explained she’s been upset about our friendship for a while and had seen some of our messages.
I’m happily married and have no intention of leaving my family. I understand how she must feel and I’m sorry, but it really it is just friendship. There is no physical attraction there. Friends have always been very important to me and I think in life when you find such a friend, it’s a rare thing and their gender shouldn’t matter.
I have confided in a friend and she thinks I am playing with fire. Am I being naive?

Well if its playful his wife probably is getting upset because that is pretty flirtatious and probably the sort of banter she has with her husband. Its getting into emotional affair territory and unless you start including the wife in the friendship, shes obviously upset as she has no idea who you are and you should step back.

And by the way I have loads of male friends, probably 75% of my friendship circle because of my hobby and career, but I also make an effort with their girl friends and wives, I would never send them loads of messages where they're spending all their energy on me and I 100% make sure my husband knows about them.

You do have to try and show some empathy for other people in someone's relationship especially if you're asking for alot of her husbands time. Not saying that its 100% on you as the husband is the one married to her and should give her attention but, men can also be fucking stupid when it comes to emotional affairs so if you know you're causing some damage with your playful bants and messaging him outside of work maybe you can be a bit more mindful.

If you’re such good friends OP, why didn’t you answer your phone when his wife called? She could have been ringing to tell his very good friend he was in hospital or unwell, or inviting you to a party she was throwing him. But you didn’t, you ignored her because you were assuming she was ringing about your inappropriate relationship with her husband. Why is that?!

Exactly this - and tell us how it goes. Don't forget to mention the wife calling you and you not answering, and that the guy is unhappy at home.

I honestly find it so sad that there is an expectation that men and women cannot be friends (unless one of them is gay). I have an excellent friendship with a now ex colleague. We got each other through some really rough work times (he is continuing to support my exit) but beyond that he is just a great friend. Other colleagues (male and female) stay in contact with him too. We have met each others partners a number of times, and he and his girlfriend have even offered to babysit my kids so DH and I can go out for meals. I really don't get the assumption we must fancy each other just because we are friends and opposite sex. By this reasoning, does it mean a bisexual person in a relationship can have no friends at all?

I think you're being a little disingenuous here @Bingowashisnameoh1

If it's an innocent as you say then show your husband all the messages and see what he says.

Your friend has said your being naive and playing with fire, so clearly there's more to what is going on than you are saying here. I suspect inwardly your friend knows that you're getting a kick out of this situation and probably pushing the boundaries too much.

Your right to have male friends doesn't mean you get to meddle in someone else's marriage by causing trouble.

You know that it's going too far. He knows it's going too far. His wife knows it's going too far and now your friend knows.

But to you, it's clearly about your right to have male friends 🙄

If she’s not happy then you/he needs to stop
I have a very good male friend who I message a lot. His wife knows, my partner knows, and they know there is nothing more.
But If either were unhappy with it, we would stop.
my friendship is importnant but not upsetting my partner is more important

Very naive, yes.
There may be no attraction on your side but that doesnt mean theres none on his.
An emotional affair is also wrong.

You know how you see him and that you’ve no interest in an affair but you don’t (and can’t) know for sure how he sees you. Particularly if he’s not happy at home he may see your relationship very differently. His wife can only go off the vibes she’s getting from her husband.

Such wide eyed faux naivete! Aren't you just a peach! Even your friend thinks you're being unreasonable. Are you trolling us @Bingowashisnameoh1

And there we have it.

@Bingowashisnameoh1 leave this man alone.
You know perfectly well what you're doing.
It's interesting that your own husband doesn't know about your flirtation with the other man.

It's also interesting that you claim that your husband "would be fine with it".

He’d leave if he was that unhappy, their home life dynamics aren’t really anything you should be drawing conclusions on.
Banter is one thing, but if communications between you both have drawn you to this conclusion, then you must be discussing things aside from banter, and the state/happiness of their home life is only between your friend and his wife.

You don’t sound naive, to me it sounds like you know exactly what you are doing.

Oh, there it is! 🤦‍♀️ You’re both as bad as each other. It’s rather pathetic and entirely predictable. It’s VERY unlikely that you’re genuinely this naive, so you’re either fully aware/complicit and enjoying the ego-massage, or you’re just as thick as whale porridge. My money would be on the first option.

Who sends the first message most; you or him?

Is the type of ‘banter’ something you would say to a female friend, word for word?

No one has said men and women can't be friends.
But someone in a relationship sending lots of 'playful' messages to someone outside the relationship and suggesting to them that they are unhappy at home etc is more than friendship.

This just sounds like emotional blackmail and coercion masked as a boundary and respect.

No one should have to prove their partner is their most important person by ending a friendship because their partner has trust issues.

This!

For me, the bottom line is that his wife is uncomfortable with your friendship. It doesn’t particularly matter if you think it’s platonic or not. She doesn’t and that’s a very clear sign you need to back off.

If your own friend is telling you that you're crossing a line - listen!

I think it is quite possible to have completely innocent friendshios with the opposite sex, but the fact that both his wife and your friend both think your messages are crossing a line should be a bit of a ref flag to you. Perhaps you need to be more honest with yourself. Do you get even a little bit of a thrill or sense of flattery from this friendship? Would you be totally comfortable with showing your own DH all the messages between you?

While you can speak from your own point of view, what you can't be certain of is how he feels about you. Since this is causing tensions and problems in his marriage, at this point, no matter how innocent things are I'd be backing the fuck off if I were you and keeping the friendship strictly for working hours only.

You have "no intention of leaving" your family. Is that a bit like no intention of raising taxes or no intention of running for prime minister?

How so? Aren’t friends also for when you need emotional support?

At first I thought ok, not your fault, but help him out and take a step back.

But you're either rage baiting us now or ridiculously naive.

I bet his wife has no idea he's unhappy.

@Bingowashisnameoh1 you say you're sure your husband will be fine with it. Go show him your unabridged text threads and let us know his opinion?

Pull back or ruin someone's marriage. Up to you.

Pull back or ruin someone's marriage. Up to you.

She and her female friend she showed them to actually said the opposite that some of the texts could be considered playful, but not flirty. And I don’t see any indication that it is every evening or for any more than a few minutes.