Colleague’s wife upset about our friendship, am I being naive?

[Bingowashisnameoh1]

I have a fabulous, kind colleague at work, he’s great fun to be with and I feel very lucky that we are friends. We share lots in common and could honestly natter for hours. There are many other lovely people in the department who are good friends too. It’s not exclusive.
Out of the blue his wife called me late one evening, I didn’t answer and there was no message. I assumed from his wife as the caller profile photo was of the two of them. We have never met so it was odd that she would even have my number. I spoke with him about this and he explained she’s been upset about our friendship for a while and had seen some of our messages.
I’m happily married and have no intention of leaving my family. I understand how she must feel and I’m sorry, but it really it is just friendship. There is no physical attraction there. Friends have always been very important to me and I think in life when you find such a friend, it’s a rare thing and their gender shouldn’t matter.
I have confided in a friend and she thinks I am playing with fire. Am I being naive?

Your task for today is to give your husband your phone and say ' read these please. What do you think'. If you won't do that then you have your answer.

Answer the question?

Why would you be a thorn in another woman’s side like this?

Your “friendship” is making his wife unhappy and negatively impacting their marriage. You yourself are married - why would you not just fall back? If you really care about your friend, why would you want to disturb his marriage?

He hasn’t told me but I get the impression he’s not very happy at home.

Come on, have you heard of boundaries?

To her you’re a terrier, that won’t let go of her husband.

Take a step back and really think objectively about what you are doing.

You’ve got to respect other people’s feelings in life, it’s not all about you and your wants, there are boundaries that you need to seriously in your case give thought to.

What does your DH think about it? (If he knows). I think it's crossing a boundary as you're taking your relationship outside of work. I can see why she would be uncomfortable with all these "banter" messages - and he should prioritise her feelings above all else. I think you should respect that too.

You know what you’re doing.

You say “He always replies!” But is he ever messaging you first when he’s at home?

Sort out what’s lacking in your own marriage and stop messaging the colleague out of work hours.

The oldest line in the book, she’ll be crazy next.

Of for God's sake wake up

Give your messaging a break and let them sort out their marriage.
Unless you're enjoying her stress/worry over your banter.

And there it is…….!

Who didn’t see this bit coming?

His relationship with his wife is none of your business.

I think your emotional intelligence needs some fine tuning.

No, he’s your colleague and you’re overstepping boundaries.
If he and his family relocated and changed jobs, your “friendship” would dwindle because you’re not friends.
And it’s quite common to discuss friendships and what you’re chatting about to your partner/husband/wife, so the fact that you aren’t is unusual. Your husband either shows no interest in your life or you’re hiding it, which is an issue for you to deal with.
If this colleague of yours has mentionitis about you to his wife, it could be that he sees more in you than just a colleague or friend and you need to step back.

You'll be saying she doesn't understand him next. 🙄

which makes your interaction with him even more toxic

Fgs, give your head a wobble @Bingowashisnameoh1

IMO it's often difficult to be friends with a man if he has a wife, usually the wife puts paid to that, despite nothing other than friendship going on.

Why was she calling you - did he put her onto you instead of dealing with it himself. As others have said, you should definitely show DH your messages and talk to him about it.

Maybe all 4 of you go out for a meal.

YOUR friend, you is naturally on your side, thinks you have gone too far.
If you care about your colleague, don't persist in damaging his marriage. Even if you believe you are absolutely blameless.

The clue might be in the username – it's emotional affair bingo!

And they don’t have sex any more, she doesn’t understand him and they’re only together for the kids.

And he's never met a woman quite like OP before and he wishes he'd met her years ago.

You're coming across as a bit evasive which suggests you know you're edging on inappropriate. Does he initiate texting equally or is it mostly you? How often are you messaging him?

You know now his wife is concerned so if you value him, take a step back with texting. You can still be friends in work.

Yes, you are. (Playing with fire, possibly enjoying a flirt). Odd, especially at work.

Back off.

I think it’s normal to have male friends. I have a male friend that takes me out to dinner sometimes. I don’t know what his wife makes of it but I assume she’s cool - my husband doesn’t mind. We have been friends for 20 years and it’s just that - friendship.

Some people are very old-fashioned about marriage and opposite gender friendships outside of marriage. It might be she is one of those (like many on this thread). Or it might be that her husband fancies you and it’s obvious to her but not to you. If he fancies you then that’s not your fault but it does change things a bit. If you suspect this is the case then I’d probably back off a bit. It’s the decent thing to do. I would not be having dinner with my male friend and letting him pay if I thought he fancied me, or if his wife had an issue with it.

Show your husband the messages and see what he advises.

My exhusband trotted out the ' my wife has mental health issues. It's very difficult and lonely for me' . I was so mentally ill he had to leave but i was apparently still fully capable of looking after 2 preschool children.