Colleague’s wife upset about our friendship, am I being naive?

[Bingowashisnameoh1]

I have a fabulous, kind colleague at work, he’s great fun to be with and I feel very lucky that we are friends. We share lots in common and could honestly natter for hours. There are many other lovely people in the department who are good friends too. It’s not exclusive.
Out of the blue his wife called me late one evening, I didn’t answer and there was no message. I assumed from his wife as the caller profile photo was of the two of them. We have never met so it was odd that she would even have my number. I spoke with him about this and he explained she’s been upset about our friendship for a while and had seen some of our messages.
I’m happily married and have no intention of leaving my family. I understand how she must feel and I’m sorry, but it really it is just friendship. There is no physical attraction there. Friends have always been very important to me and I think in life when you find such a friend, it’s a rare thing and their gender shouldn’t matter.
I have confided in a friend and she thinks I am playing with fire. Am I being naive?

Why didn't you answer it?

Stop OP
Very upsetting for his wife
YABU

How you answer this question will be most illuminating @Bingowashisnameoh1

You say he’s not happy in his marriage. You say some of your messages could be misconstrued. It doesn’t take a genius to realise why then his wife is concerned that he’s texting you outside of work. You’re either a bit thick. Which you can’t help. Or you don’t give a shit. Which is your prerogative. But cracking on that you can’t understand why she would be upset is nonsense.

what happened to people trusting each other ?

Because she knew she is inappropriately fixated with her dh and didn't dare.

100pc this

by the same token what happened to other people having trust and trusting their partner ?

surely you could agree that people in relationships should trust each other ?

Agree with this. It’s a bit.. faux naive? to act like you’re genuinely asking why she might be upset when you know your ‘silly banter’ (aka flirting) can be seen as inappropriate, and has been. It’s like you just want to talk about it generally as you must have known what people would say and even if you didn’t, you’ve no intention of changing anything anyway, so it begs the question, what did you want from this thread?

They are not behaving in a trustworthy manner.

’Playful messages’
’Not answering the wife’s call’
’Refusal To consider the wife’s feelings’
’Dropping that he is happy to hear from her, as if that’s all that matters’

Most people (including the wife) are reading between the lines. This doesn’t sound innocent and platonic even from an outsiders pov with no stake in it.

Oh stop being so naive. Anyone in a longterm relationship can easily get their ego stroked by a desperate, enthusiastic third party.

It is lovely to blindly trust people but we must all be realistic too.

Someone else constantly messaging and flirting should always make alarm bells go off.

Instead of asking your dh if he thought the messages were inappropriate you asked a friend, because you must have known they'd come across as inappropriate. Your friend has said your playing with fire.

You dont actually know the reason why the wife called as you didnt pick up, because you knew your messages and gifts crossed a line.

Your dh away working for the weekend, so you call your "friend" to make you smile.

Your presuming he isnt happy in his marriage. Sounds like your not happy in your marriage that your needing male attention from else where.

but just because one person has doubts etc or should no one be friends once they have a partner ?

The OP has said his wife is fine with his other female friends. Presumably they don’t send the same type of “playful” messages/don’t message so often/don’t buy him exceedingly meaningful gifts. They would likely answer the phone if she called them etc. Also once she’s expressed concern, he has essentially chosen the new “friend” over her.

My husband has female friends. I see their messages. I hear from them myself sometimes. I do not feel even slightly threatened because it’s all genuinely platonic. They don’t message constantly. They doesn’t call him their best friend. They don’t buy him special little presents. They don’t write ‘playful’ or flirtatious messages.

There is no smoke without a fire. The wife is obviously seeing some smoke and has a right to set a boundary. So frankly the op should respect that boundary. Chat at work. Stop with the but he’s my bestie and we make each other happy claptrap and grow up.

@ThatPearlkitty Ultimately the wife feels unsafe… she has no previous issue with his female friends as @Bingowashisnameoh1 made clear herself!

@Bingowashisnameoh1 is the wife’s issue not female friendships her husband may have. I was the same. I had no issue with my husbands many beautiful and amazing female friends (all had strong boundaries and showed respect to me as his wife) and then one particular new one came along… suddenly that safe feeling vanished, and I became anxious and worried. Spoiler alert it was an affair.

My experience has told me that behaviours that @Bingowashisnameoh1 is exhibiting herself (gift giving, phoning/messaging at all hours/playful banter) lack strong boundaries at best and are the start of affair behaviours at worst. She is aiming to compete for attention with his wife.

Op your happy he’s make you smile he’s funny and could do with a laugh let his wife do this for him the more attention you give him the more his wife will get upset why not be the bigger person and stop contacting him when your out of work. Op your dh is out so you think it’s ok to message him? Would you be happy if your dh was in and constantly talking to another woman because she makes him laugh and smile and you’re sitting all alone while he is doing this in front of you. Op would you really be ok with this. The more you talk to your friend the more he ignores his wife you are definitely doing this deliberately now you know it’s upsetting her but yet you carry on. It’s cruel both of you are you don’t care about her feelings only yours and your needs.

but if you still chat the same and give the gifts the same then the only difference is its in person rather than online ?

Buying presents for him ? Anyhow you’re clearly enjoying the attention from both him, and indeed us.

You know nothing about him at home. Nothing about his relationship with his DW. You do know she is clearly unhappy with his relationship with you. He should back away, but if he’s not why on earth don’t you? No more faux naivety please.

It’s also embarrassing. Who’s gaining the most from this. The husband is getting his ego stroked by a female who can’t stop talking to him or measaging playful bollocks. Who buys him presents. He’s probably loving the attention. He’s an embarrassment and so is op. I have lots of male colleague mates and none of us behave like this. If they did I’d be mortified.

No. You are missing the point.

The chats are inappropriate.
The gifts are inappropriate.
This friendship is completely inappropriate.

The op simply doesn’t want to let it go…which in itself is a ginormous red flag.

OP, how do you know that the wife ‘seems fine’ with this man‘s other female friends? & how do you know she’s probably not fine with you (other than guessing that that is why she rang you)? You say you haven’t discussed relationships or anything deep with this man, but is that really the case?
If you really care about this man as a friend, you should be making every effort to reassure his wife – either by laying off on the contact outside of work and presents, or by including her as well.

personally id say the op is being what is a good friend, at least she makes the effort in the friendship

Well that was a helpful and interesting post. Not 🤔

I completely disagree with this comment. They're friends. They don't "need" to speak outside of work. They do so because, as friends, they want to. In the majority of situations, no-one should be policing their partner's relationships with others.

@Bingowashisnameoh1 You have done absolutely nothing wrong. I would just continue the friendship as is - he's the one who needs to decide if it's worth continuing.

Issues like this make me scratch my head. I am a gay woman, and almost all of my friends are women. I like to buy/make/do thoughtful things for my friends because I love them (obviously in a platonic way). Would people expect that to be an issue for my friends' partners, or for my wife? Because if so, that's a bit bonkers!

Jeez this reminds me why I’m single. The whole idea that you can’t talk to men because they’re men and definitely not married men. You can’t be friends with men, and if you even have a joke or see something that reminds you of a male friend, you’re clearly looking for an affair or are dissatisfied with your husband. It’s insane. Jealousy and being controlling won’t stop a man cheating.