Colleague’s wife upset about our friendship, am I being naive?

[Bingowashisnameoh1]

I have a fabulous, kind colleague at work, he’s great fun to be with and I feel very lucky that we are friends. We share lots in common and could honestly natter for hours. There are many other lovely people in the department who are good friends too. It’s not exclusive.
Out of the blue his wife called me late one evening, I didn’t answer and there was no message. I assumed from his wife as the caller profile photo was of the two of them. We have never met so it was odd that she would even have my number. I spoke with him about this and he explained she’s been upset about our friendship for a while and had seen some of our messages.
I’m happily married and have no intention of leaving my family. I understand how she must feel and I’m sorry, but it really it is just friendship. There is no physical attraction there. Friends have always been very important to me and I think in life when you find such a friend, it’s a rare thing and their gender shouldn’t matter.
I have confided in a friend and she thinks I am playing with fire. Am I being naive?

Be careful…

Then you need to work on your own boundaries.

and others need to focus on their trust issues and their efforts in friendships

Nope. Already been over that. Full of red flags.

The only boundaries here are the man's/his wife. The OP isn't doing anything wrong in having a friendship!

I disagree. We are all responsible for our own actions.

The op can see her actions are hurting someone. They are inappropriate (playful messages that even her friends warned her about and special gifts). She is not free of responsibility.

Yes i understand the wife feeling upset by it.. its gone past work colleagues as you are chatting outside of work friends may be very important to you but I think he should prioritise his wife's feelings over yours .
How would he feel if his wife suddenly became very friendly with a male colleague in the way you are talking about her husband.
Or you with your husband I'd respect her feelings and not allow this to spill over into what is there time / life .. cool it .

I agree, we are all responsible for our own actions. But the @Bingowashisnameoh1 isn't responsible for her friend's wife's thoughts and feelings. In fact, his wife is absolutely nothing to do with her.
With the small amount of information we have here, I don't think the friend is doing anything wrong. But ultimately it's his decision as to whether or not he should continue the friendship. I guess it depends on how important the friend, and his wife, are. Balls completely in his court - OP doesn't need to change anything.

(For the record, if this relationship was actually an affair, then I agree that the OP would be much more responsible towards the wife. But in this case we have to take the OPs comments at face value - it's just a friendship, so she has done/is doing nothing wrong.)

But again. Op is sending presents and messaging into the evenings and weekends. She does not need to do this to maintain a platonic friendship and in fact, shouldn’t be doing this. The man is ultimately responsible for his own marriage but op can be a responsible friend without being a problem.

Do you not give your friends gifts? Thoughtful ones? Do you not text them at evenings and weekends?

I mentioned up thread that I'm a lesbian. Should I refrain from the above?

I don’t actually. I might send a few messages during the day. I generally don’t like to intrude into their evenings or weekends when they are enjoying family time. I buy gifts when there is an occasion for a gift. Nope, I’ve never bought a friend a meaningful gift for absolutely no reason. I can not relate to anything the op is doing. I also have plenty of male friends.

I’ve got good friends (male and female) who I work with; my DH has a good female friend who he used to work with. That’s all fine because if my DH ever saw my messages to my friends, he wouldn’t be remotely bothered. (I’ve never checked his messages to his female friend but am sure they wouldn’t bother me either.) Also, our contact with these friends doesn’t eat into ‘our’ time — and that’s really important, I think.
You say you’re happily married, OP, and I’d like to think you’d know if you and your work friend were overstepping boundaries. I DO know though, that even if it was 100% platonic, it would annoy me if my DH messaged a friend (male or female) to the extent that it massively interrupted our time together.
Only you really know how innocent things are — but it’s also possible that if his marriage isn’t in a great place, then your relationship isn’t helping matters.

Oh wow - the feels super alien to me! If that's the case then I can somewhat understand your stance on this. It does make me sad for you, though - token "just because" gifts from friends are wonderful And any friend who suggests you are "intruding" by being in contact at evenings and weekends is probably a shitty friend!

This is pointless. OP is only responding to basic questions, she’s not responded to anyone telling her that what she’s doing is wrong, because she knew the answer before she even made her OP!

Forget about the wife and ‘friend’, OPs behaviour, especially while she’s married, is unacceptable and I truly hope her husband finds out and leaves her.

@24kPalamino
I've just read back over my post and realised it could come across as patronising - just want to say that that absolutely wasn't intentional! X

Is it just me, or is @ThatPearlkittysuspiciously backing OP a bit too much? Perhaps they’re the same person, just saying 😂

I am not missing out.
I work full time and value my evenings and weekends. I have friends I think the world of, but it would piss me off to have them encroaching on my time. The odd message, or meme or video short forwarded, no problem. I’ll answer with a like. But I’m not interested in long deep chats via message.

A chat on the phone is different. I love a proper chat. And I’ll happily arrange a meet up at the local pub for a good chat too.

Getting a present for a presents sake would be awkward. That’s sets a precedent for having to reciprocate. I’d rather not. I’ll buy them a drink at the pub or pay for a dessert, or a coffee…but it would be so weird to scour the internet looking for something they couldn’t get themselves. That’s way too much time invested in the wrong people. My family get that level of investment.

My family are my life. My friends complement my life and I complement theirs. I do not wish friends to form infatuation with me, even platonically.

Leaves her for what reason - having a friend who just happens to have a willy instead of a foof-a-loof?! 😅

That’s ok. No problem. Same if any of my messages come across poorly. I’m a little blunt in real life too.
Have a lovely evening.

You are being naive.......You are getting something out of this guy and it's depleting the energy away from his family. No point in being married if a woman has to put up with this cr@p. You've obviously grown closer to him and are gaslighting yourself by pretending you are not doing anything wrong. Every Romantic relationship starts this way, by friendly chats, banter.. then attraction grows and grows and grows till the inevitable happens.....his Wife realises this, even if you don't. Danger lurks, and a marriage is at risk. Lives shattered.

what if he finds another friend ?

Going out of your way to search for a dvd he couldn't get himself, that does sound like something a wife wouldn't be happy with.

Would you be happy with a colleague/friend buying your DH gifts OP?

If you value your friend, you'd want the best for them, and that would be a happy marriage, so you step away as a way of helping.

The wife has probably seen it all before with other women, all those friendships are clearly taking away from their relationships, why would you want to be a part of it?

Yes it would because now they're friends, if he finishes that friendship that will affect their working relationship. Very naïve to think otherwise.

“He makes me smile.” I just don’t think one would say that about a female friend.

yes you are, but now you know how she feels the right thing to do is to not text him outside of work. He doesn’t sound like a decent person at all tbh.