Colleague’s wife upset about our friendship, am I being naive?

[Bingowashisnameoh1]

I have a fabulous, kind colleague at work, he’s great fun to be with and I feel very lucky that we are friends. We share lots in common and could honestly natter for hours. There are many other lovely people in the department who are good friends too. It’s not exclusive.
Out of the blue his wife called me late one evening, I didn’t answer and there was no message. I assumed from his wife as the caller profile photo was of the two of them. We have never met so it was odd that she would even have my number. I spoke with him about this and he explained she’s been upset about our friendship for a while and had seen some of our messages.
I’m happily married and have no intention of leaving my family. I understand how she must feel and I’m sorry, but it really it is just friendship. There is no physical attraction there. Friends have always been very important to me and I think in life when you find such a friend, it’s a rare thing and their gender shouldn’t matter.
I have confided in a friend and she thinks I am playing with fire. Am I being naive?

Your friend thinks that the texts are flirty even though you are trying to dampen it down by saying it is just banter. You don’t care that you are hurting this woman and in turn hurting this friend and his marriage. I don’t think you are naive I think you know exactly what you are doing which is taking up this man’s time that he should be spending on his marriage. Yes he should know better and be the one to stop it but you are enabling it. Dial it back to colleagues only.

You're not naive and you are really not his friend either. You are having fun leading him on and wreaking his marriage. He is stupid and complicit in this. I hope there are no children involved on either side.

If you really care about your friend why don’t you want him to have a strong stable marriage?

Id be mortified in this situation and definitely be stepping back from the friendship. The fact that you don’t think you should (but still won’t take his wife’s call) speaks volumes. And if a friend wanted to watch a particular movie, I think it’s far more common to send a text saying hey I saw a dvd of that movie at x shop rather than buying it for them.

This is definitely EA territory and his wife knows it

And do you have any reply for anything else anyone said? Or are you just trying to reagebait people into adding to the thread?

No Your not! You’re being stupid!!!

This.

”I’m sorry, Dave, but I had no idea your wife would feel this way about our friendship. I don’t want her (you) to get the wrong impression about my feelings, so let’s just talk at work and no more texting etc”.

Any reason you can’t just say this, OP?

The friend said the messages could be viewed as playful, which is not the same as the OP actually flirting. OP has said she isn’t flirting. I have had plenty of friendships in work situations where we make playful comments - with male and female colleagues. It was quite different from when I was actually flirting with the men I fancied.

Wow you have done nothing wrong. I think if your secure in your relationship you don’t have a problem with work relationships if your not you might do, but it’s not your fault she feels like that

But why would you send all these messages to your married coworker, buy them gifts and call them on weekends? That is MASSIVELY overstepping and I would never do 1/10th of that if I didn't want to give the wrong impression.

I think it is OP’s and the other man’s fault . Surely you can understand why the wife isn’t happy? These situations can quickly go into affair territory

You are being at best naive.

At worst hoping his wife will see this and all your posts will somehow give the impression of a genuine platonic friendship.

Not sure if you mentioned your age but if you are young and relatively inexperienced, I kind of get your innocence.

I think you should take a step back with this friendship- it won’t end well for you. And let him sort out his personal life.

If there’s no issue with what you’re doing then why not return her call and speak to her?

Sorry OP but this SCREAMS pick-me girl.

Full on Pickmeeesha.

Hmmm. I am in a long term relationship and have male friends that I communicate with and would meet for drink ect, but I’ve been friends with them longer than I have been with my partner, in fact most of them since I was in my teens / early twenties, BUT I don’t think it would seem appropriate to form new male friendships to the extent that we were texting and calling each other regularly IYKWIM.

Why didn't you answer call from your colleagues wife ? Surely if nothing in it you could have spoken and put her mind at ease.

Listen to your friend OP and back off from this, it’s mortifying. He needs to sort his relationship out and this clearly isn’t helping.

Well the two of you clearly have chemistry. His wife likely feels it and finds it threatening. I would definitely back off.

You clearly like the attention he's giving you. I've formed strong friendships with male colleagues, especially if we've shared an office but I always make it my business to get to know/meet their partners. When one of my colleagues got with his now wife she asked to meet with me so she knew more about the woman who worked alongside her and I happily obliged to put her mind at ease. Why aren't you doing that?

@Tubs22 agree it's the mature and kind thing to do.

Well what are you going to do OP? Are you going to reduce comms with this friend during evenings and weekends? The way you write its obvious that you initiate the messaging?
How many times per week do you message him?

If my husband’s work colleague went to the trouble of buying him a DVD of a film he liked I’d kick them both to the curb

What could you possibly have in common with a married male colleague... Befriend your husband for goodness sake.

I work as a marriage and family therapist and I can tell you that this rationalization is EXACTLY what I see when people dip into emotional or physical affairs. So back off. The wife tried calling you and she's not happy. Why are you continuing?

This. This thread can only be rage bait.

Couldn't agree more. The OP is asking for advice but showing in her own replies she has no intention of backing away, knows she is crossing a line & quite enjoys it all. Clearly someone who likes the drama & lacks empathy & a moral compass.