Colleague’s wife upset about our friendship, am I being naive?

[Bingowashisnameoh1]

I have a fabulous, kind colleague at work, he’s great fun to be with and I feel very lucky that we are friends. We share lots in common and could honestly natter for hours. There are many other lovely people in the department who are good friends too. It’s not exclusive.
Out of the blue his wife called me late one evening, I didn’t answer and there was no message. I assumed from his wife as the caller profile photo was of the two of them. We have never met so it was odd that she would even have my number. I spoke with him about this and he explained she’s been upset about our friendship for a while and had seen some of our messages.
I’m happily married and have no intention of leaving my family. I understand how she must feel and I’m sorry, but it really it is just friendship. There is no physical attraction there. Friends have always been very important to me and I think in life when you find such a friend, it’s a rare thing and their gender shouldn’t matter.
I have confided in a friend and she thinks I am playing with fire. Am I being naive?

Yes, most inexplicable.

I think the thing that should really make you think about this situation is the fact that your friend- who presumably knows you well and would normally be “on your side”, so to speak- thinks your messages could be interpreted as “playful” (which probably means flirtatious), that you are playing with fire and should back off. If someone who knows and likes you thinks that, I think there is likely to be more to this than you would like to make out.

The fact that you can see why his wife’s suspicions might be raised based on the nature of your texts, suggests that you need to stop doing that.

I think men and women can be friends, BTW- I have male friends. But we don’t send each other “playful” texts, seek out special gifts of shared “favourite” things, and insinuate that we aren’t happy in our relationships.

I’m the wife of a man who became very close to a woman he works with. From the outside it might have looked like just a friendship, but from where I was standing it didn’t feel like that at all. She made me uncomfortable from the start, and my husband was giving her attention that should have been going into our marriage — even when he was with me.

Over time we became more and more distant. Eventually he admitted he had developed feelings for her (even if they weren’t fully reciprocated), and if I’m honest the whole “friendship” crossed lines that a married person shouldn’t cross. It ultimately contributed to us separating.

We are trying to repair things now, but I still struggle with a lot of anger and judgement towards her. I can’t help thinking — if a married man is messaging you constantly, confiding in you, and prioritising you in his life, at what point do you step back and question it? At what point do you think, “Why is he giving me this much attention when he has a wife?”

I know my husband is responsible for his choices, and I hold him accountable for that. But I still find it hard not to judge her role in it too.

If my friend’s wife contacted me and said that our texts were causing a rift in their marriage, I would back. the. fuck. off.

This exactly, you are not the victim here, be best friends with your husband fgs.

The recent “Liquid Glass” iPhone update lets you associate a photo and name with your number that gets sent to other iPhones when you call or text (may not be iPhone specific, but I’m not sure).

Yes back off and leave the friendship. If his wife is upset then have some respect and consideration and walk away from the friendship.

If just read all your post @Bingowashisnameoh1 and you seem not to be able to let go and are revelling that he called you this morning. Cries on emotional affair and you really are not a woman’s woman.

Well, as long as you’re happy who cares about anyone else eh. Yes you are “playing with fire” and it sounds like you couldn’t care less since he “makes you smile.” Ugh.

Unless the friend had been flirting with me, I’d think the wife was controlling and wonder if my friend might need more support, not for me to back off and let their wife isolate them.

OP from what you’ve said you know you are overstepping the mark. Absolutely no need for you to be messaging at weekends and evenings. I think I’d be ringing you as well. I also think you’re enjoying this.

How would you feel if you partner had the same relationship with a female colleague?
I don't think you're naive - I think you're enjoying playing with fire and you're likely to get burnt.

This DVD, he'd had trouble finding, has he never heard of Amazon or eBay etc or whatever platform you used? I can't think of any film that isn't available new on DVD or Blu Ray or else via a second hand market. And it clearly wasn't that difficult to find, because you managed to do so OP.

I suspect he has a bad case of mentionitis

If my husband was messaging other women i’d be pissed off. Further more you know he is married and the fact you didn’t answer his wife when she rang shows you feel guilty. You’re not naive you know exactly what you’re doing. Stop trying to be his bestie at work and outside of it, It’s weird. Ugh gross

edited to add i’m surprised that any of your female friends havent given you advice and told you to stop it - but I suspect you don’t have any - no girls - girl acts like this

You're either incredibly naive or just seriously lacking in empathy. Can you really not see this from his wife's point of view? You are constantly sharing jokey, 'playful' messages with each other outside of work, and now you're buying him gifts. This is definitely overstepping the mark.
You say she doesn't have a problem with his other female friends; this is quite telling. There's obviously something about his interactions with you that is ringing alarm bells for her.
Out of interest, who is the one who tends to initiate the messages? And why do you suspect he is having problems in his marriage if he hasn't actually told you?

I find it odd too. Op hasnt done anything wrong. I have male friends and if it was a friendship with no flirting or anything untoward and my husband was uncomfortable then I'm sorry but he'd be told to get a grip!

She’s been flirting with him! Her own friend has told her the messages are flirty!
This man has other female friends that his wife has no issue with.
The OP is the problem here not the wife, and she knows it.
Obviously this man is as well, he needs to get a grip.

@ScartlettSole

If she feels innocent then why avoid the wife’s phonecall?? 🤷‍♀️. No, she’s as guilty as he is.

Yes, you are being naive. I could have written your post a few years ago. I made a brilliant friend through work - I honestly felt like I'd gained a brother, it was weird how well we got on. I felt so lucky to have met someone I got on with (as it doesn't happen that often).

His girlfriend started to get a bit funny which I found odd because it was 100% platonic between us. Literally, less than zero chance it would EVER be romantic. I found it a bit frustrating that she had to assume that our friendship couldn't just be a good friendship.

A year later he told me he was in love with me and had been the whole time. We are no longer friends. I deeply regret being so stupid and causing pain to his girlfriend.

If your friend's wife is uncomfortable, back off. She knows him in a way you do not and therefore has spotted things in his behaviour you have not. Even if he doesn't know it himself. Stop it now before it goes too far.

It’s a very fine line between platonic and an emotional affair.

This. It’s grotesque, actually.

It was on WhatsApp so it showed her profile photo

You know why she’s upset. Obviously whether you intended to or not, you have been giving this guy the wrong impression about your feelings towards him.

Again, if you didn’t know, you didn’t know. But now you do. And you don’t care. You say you knew his relationship wasn’t in a great place. You definitely are playing with fire. Your friend irl is right. You just don’t want to hear it because you’re getting something out of it too.

"There is no physical attraction there". OP, you would know if you are physically attracted to him. Since you are not, your relationship is strictly a friendship.
The only slight wrinkle in all this: any chance your co-worker is attracted to you?