Colleague’s wife upset about our friendship, am I being naive?

[Bingowashisnameoh1]

I have a fabulous, kind colleague at work, he’s great fun to be with and I feel very lucky that we are friends. We share lots in common and could honestly natter for hours. There are many other lovely people in the department who are good friends too. It’s not exclusive.
Out of the blue his wife called me late one evening, I didn’t answer and there was no message. I assumed from his wife as the caller profile photo was of the two of them. We have never met so it was odd that she would even have my number. I spoke with him about this and he explained she’s been upset about our friendship for a while and had seen some of our messages.
I’m happily married and have no intention of leaving my family. I understand how she must feel and I’m sorry, but it really it is just friendship. There is no physical attraction there. Friends have always been very important to me and I think in life when you find such a friend, it’s a rare thing and their gender shouldn’t matter.
I have confided in a friend and she thinks I am playing with fire. Am I being naive?

Her husband knows nothing of what’s going on!! She said she “doesn’t think he would have an issue” …so why’s she not asked him about the situation rather than a friend and taking to MN to seek validation?!

I think KNOWING now that your friendly banter is causing problems in his marriage you could do the decent thing and step back even if he isn’t.

I would lose any respect for a male friend if he used our friendship as some kind of bait to piss his wife off. As I said before, tell him to sort his shit out.

I think you are playing with fire. And I think you know it. I also think you are very much enjoying it.

You have said yourself that your messages are “playful” and you can see why his wife might “misread” them. That’s probably because they are flirtatious, or could easily be interpreted as such- which is Inappropriate on both your part (because you are married) and his (because he is married).

I don’t buy your feigned naivety. You have said this man’s wife is ok with his other female friends, but not you. I think you do understand why that is the case, you just don’t want to admit it because you know that means you should stop. You don’t want to stop because you are enjoying his attention. You may genuinely like him too, you may actually have no interest in him sexually/ romantically (not sure on that one)- but I do think you are getting more than occasional jokey messages and fun company at work out of this. If it were quite straightforward and “not deep”, as you say, surely you wouldn’t be this upset/unhappy at the thought of him distancing himself.

Buying him a dvd of his favourite film is something which could also be seen as pushing boundaries into more than friendship, I think it could be something you might do for a platonic friend, but it might be something you do for someone who is more than that. I absolutely think it is something which is open to interpretation either way and in the context of “flirty” texts and bantering, I think it I’d very understandable if your behaviour raised suspicions.

I think this is in danger of straying into emotional affair, even if it is not one at the moment. I think at the very least having a man paying you quite a bit if attention is something that you are enjoying. I. Your position, I would take a step back for both of your sakes.

I can’t work out whether OP is thick as shit, or if she simply doesn’t give a shit…

Just keep it professional OP. Mixing business with pleasure in these circumstances is a recipe for disaster. It does sound like there is some kind of attraction between you both

This is between the husband and wife. Something about this friendship is a problem for their marriage. She should be addressing it with him, not you.

however, now that you know it is a problem, why would you want to continue the friendship? Will you really be comfortable around him, knowing that your interactions with him are problematic from his side?

I love the wide-eyed innocence here. OP, you know exactly what you’re doing.

You disgust me, you shouldn’t be texting a married man outside work hours full stop however he equally does he should be respecting his wife “ why do you contact him outside work” “ he replies so I assume he’s happy to hear from me” are you on planet earth. You don’t give two fucks about his wife or their relationship it’s all about you clearly. I’d be furious if a partner of mine worked with females and one felt it was good to message him outside work. cringe

You’re not behaving innocently your not thinking of anyone hut yourself and I think your lying to us about it being platonic your ignorant responses say more than the original post

Oh so this makes it okay then?

have a day off

Yeah, she's got a problem with you because basically you're a problem. She's correctly identified that. It doesn't seem to bother you.

I think it’s both 🤣

You are being mean, thoughtless and selfish. You didn't even bother to answer the phone when this woman rang. I don't buy this just good friends nonsense. All wide eyed and innocent. Am I being naive?? Hmm.

If there is nothing dodgy or flirtatious going on, think it's fine. Her insecurities

Exactly. They are such good friends but his wife rings and her first thought isn’t “oh gosh, is my friend okay?” No, she didn’t answer because she knows exactly what she’s doing and doesn’t want to face the consequences

Her own friend has read the messages and told her they are flirty and that she should stop.
Also, the wife has no ‘insecurity’ with her husbands other female friends, presumably because they don’t send flirty messages to her husband!

Men and women can be friends, but if his wife is unhappy and he doesn’t back off because she is the most important person to him, then you should. Especially if you think their marriage is not working out. Don’t be naive.

It doesn’t matter what your intentions are. It makes his wife uncomfortable. You should respect that and back off to avoid causing unnecessary pain. Especially if she’s not generally like that with any female friend.

Doesn’t mean you can’t be friends at all, but for now you need to show her that you’re not a threat rather than just stating it. Dial down the banter, reduce the frequency. Maybe in a few months suggest doing something low key together with both your partners.

Surely that conversation could have waited till you were both back in work?

I’m intrigued by how a photo of this wife appeared when this number called. As that doesn’t happen unless they’re saved as a contact, I believe?

If it is all so innocent why didn't you answer the phone when you saw her calling? She could have been calling because he was ill or in an accident? I think it is because you know you have overstepped and crossed boundaries.

In the run up to my retirement a much younger male colleague and I used to share jokes and swap stories both in and out of work. He was young enough to be one of my sons and we had the same sense of humour. It is possible to be just friends with someone. However if my now ex-colleague's partner was upset I probably would have recommended we stop communicating out of work.

Yes.

I also have a work friend like this and it isn't an issue. We've actually both moved on to new employers now, but still meet up occasionally, usually at soft play with our kids because we are both shift workers. We've done double dates with our partners, too, but I'm not really his partner's friend and he's not really DH's friend. We just get along well, but there's zero attraction on either end. I actually helped him meet his girlfriend, in a roundabout way.

But if my husband was worried about the relationship, felt it was affecting our marriage...I'd probably distance myself from my friend a bit, tbh. I value his friendship, but I love my husband. It's not really anything to do with you, OP. Let your friend work it out for himself, but please don't engage in any flirting!

I genuinely thought you were my husbands colleague then for a mo as we have almost separated recently due to the same thing. His female colleague seems to find any excuse to message my husband after work. It’s completely unprofessional and disrespectful and it came to a head the other day. Reading your responses, particularly the dvd one you are overstepping and you know it. If you knew his wife it would be different, she may be able to tell for herself what your intentions are. But you don’t and you’re out of order. Especially if their relationship is rocky. Back off.