Colleague’s wife upset about our friendship, am I being naive?

[Bingowashisnameoh1]

I have a fabulous, kind colleague at work, he’s great fun to be with and I feel very lucky that we are friends. We share lots in common and could honestly natter for hours. There are many other lovely people in the department who are good friends too. It’s not exclusive.
Out of the blue his wife called me late one evening, I didn’t answer and there was no message. I assumed from his wife as the caller profile photo was of the two of them. We have never met so it was odd that she would even have my number. I spoke with him about this and he explained she’s been upset about our friendship for a while and had seen some of our messages.
I’m happily married and have no intention of leaving my family. I understand how she must feel and I’m sorry, but it really it is just friendship. There is no physical attraction there. Friends have always been very important to me and I think in life when you find such a friend, it’s a rare thing and their gender shouldn’t matter.
I have confided in a friend and she thinks I am playing with fire. Am I being naive?

Yes, or bored married man enjoys the attention of insecure woman at work.

One spouse doesn't like it, the other doesn't care or isn't aware of the extent of his wife's 'playful' excessive messaging. I bet it's the latter.

You absolutely know what you are doing.

As a product of an affair myself I know how devastating they are to both families, and how selfish those are that have them.

You are not better than the wife. You will not 'win'. Taking out the fact your own husband is disinterested on some other poor woman won't fill that hollow inside.

And all this will fall on deaf ears, I know that because my mother is still getting a thrill from wrecking marriages at 70. It's pathetic.

Serious cool girl vibes.

She doesn’t know she’s hoping, her op is very telling, she says she’s married and not going to leave her marriage, which shows closely she’s infatuated with this man, if she wasn’t she’d simply have said I’m not remotely interested in him, but she didn’t, her go to was I’m not ending my marriage,

id put money on this is someone who was once considered attractive, who thrived on male attention, doesn’t get it any more, and has went after this guy as she wants the attention and is excited by it. She’s pushing it hard, and chasing him.

op, I’d consider his wife knows as he told her, he showed her the messages, as he was worried about your behaviour and doesn’t want to make it awkward at work, so she said blame me then, I will have a word.

i suspect he wants you to back off and i think you’re going to find as you are doubling down on it, he will start to do so, as you’re not taking the hint,

you actually think you’re competing with his wife, how you’re better, you buy him gifts, listen to him, make him laugh and how it makes you special and better than her, in fact it just makes you needy and embarrassing.

my mother is still getting a thrill from wrecking marriages at 70.

Bloody hell. What's she doing, if you don't mind my asking?

Wow.

You really have no self-awareness.

No-one is this naïve. You are either making this up or enjoying the attention and now going to enjoy showing your husband another man is interested in you. Either way it's childish.

Suspiciously quiet from OP. Obviously not happy that her post back- fired.

She married my father after his first wife died. I was introduced to his family and my half siblings who at that time that I didn't know existed, I was 9.

They both cheated regularly on each other. As they hit their 60's it seemed to stop, or at least I stopped being dragged into their drama, and I had hopes they might actually grow up and find some sort of peace.

Once father died last year she revealed she had been having another affair with a married man for the last 5 years.

She got upset that I wouldn't introduce him to my children, and that I laughed when she showed me a cheap locket he'd got her with his photo in 'because he really did love her'.

I ended up making peace with the fact she will never change, but made it clear that if she tries to involve me, or secretly introduce him to my children then I will drag that piece of shit to his wifes house and tell her.

Sorry for the rant, but gods that was cathartic. Everyone else in the family makes excuses for her.

I think his wife must be deeply insecure about your ‘friendship’ to have found your number and called you. That’s quite a big step, most women would just have it out with their husband.

You think it’s banter but his wife clearly thinks otherwise. I think it’s time you take a step back and reconsider this friendship. Sure, you get on and he’s funny but you’re also both married and whilst your DH might not have an issue, his wife does. Do the right thing.

They're maybe busy firing off a string of 'playful' messages.

Sorry to hear what you've endured .

There does seem to be type who attention seek and chase married people. We can all keep our distance but must be so hard to have one as a parent.

It’s fine to have male friends. She sounds controlling, she shouldn’t be dictating to him who he can be friends with. It’s up to him how he deals with her, you need to stay out of that aspect, but I wouldn’t back away from the friendship in your place.

@Bingowashisnameoh1 you’re not being naive, you know exactly how this looks. I think you’ve got a ‘thrill’ from the fact this wife called you. You’re loving this and the fact that even though you know it makes her uncomfortable and is hurting her you still chose to call him this morning on a Saturday for a laugh. That’s shitty of you, sorry but it is. He must be loving this and you’re playing to his ego.

There is an easy solution, put boundaries around your work ‘friendship’ don’t buy him gifts (I mean wth), don’t text him outside work, don’t engage in playful banter. And don’t make assumptions about their marriage to kid yourself you’re being supportive to him!

You are wildly overstepping. That’s the action of a girlfriend or a wannabe girlfriend. You are certainly, whether you think it or not, sending him messages that you are interested in him. If my DP was encouraging this behaviour from a colleague I’d be on high alert. Respect his relationship and back off. Whether he’s happy or not is not your concern. Even if you think this is all happy clappy friendly fun time his wife is concerned enough to message you.

She must have reached her limit to have phoned you. Her husband has told you she finds it uncomfortable, but you still continue to make contact. Why do you find it difficult to keep the friendship in working hours? Are you happy to be happy at the expense of another person's happiness.

I’m wondering if this thread has been made to be goady….

Sorry, I don’t like the sounds of this. I think you should take a step back and focus on your other friendships!!!!

Have you read the thread? The wife is absolutely fine with his other female friends, it's just the OP she has a problem with, perhaps the flirty and playful texts they send each other might have something to do with it, so you can do away with your jealous controlling wife narrative...

Playful msgs? that could mean a lot of things, I have a very good male friend we have loads in common and both have partners and both know what boundaries are.
Outside of work, you’re assuming his marriage isn’t good, msgin you dsy and night won’t help.
I don’t believe you’re this naive OP

@Bingowashisnameoh1

It doesn’t matter whether you think it’s fair or not. He is investing time into your friendship when he’s off work and should be investing time into his family and wife.

He has told you there is a problem, so back off.

And buying him a movie he couldn’t get. Absolutely overstepping. That is more than mates. Perhaps you should concentrate on what your husband likes instead.

You are going to cause someone else major problems and are making another woman feel like shit. Remember what goes around comes around, so behave how you hope someone would behave towards you in the future.

You have EVERY right to be friends with whoever you like. If your friend's wife doesn't like it, that's their issue to sort out. I can understand that this whole thing must be really upsetting for you and I think some people here are just being horrible.

Like the OP, you’ve clearly just read what you wanted to read - she’s clearly said conflicting things! One minute they don’t talk about anything personal, the next he’s having issues in his marriage and he’s not happy. She’s a liar, and a disgrace.

He'll probably find his marriage is much happier if he puts more time into his wife and less time into his 'playful banter' with you.

Also stop buying someone else's husband presents.

Your social skills must be shocking if you don't know these basics, but I guess you just like the attention too much. Bet you have no intention of telling your husband the whole story.

I believe men and women can be friends. I believe colleagues can become good friends.
However if a friendship with a colleague is causing or contributing to issues in a relationship with a spouse or partner then that friendship needs to have better boundaries. The ONLY exception is if the colleague is in an abusive relationship and the friendship is supporting them to leave it.
It doesn't sound as though that's the situation here. You have a laugh with your colleague, but you're in a relationship you have no intention of leaving. You know your friendship with the colleague is upsetting his wife. There should be no question in my mind that you back right off. You stay friends at work and can have a laugh there with your other colleagues. But the banter messages outside of work stop immediately.
If there's an issue in his relationship, he needs to focus on sorting that out without relying on your banter-y messages to get him through a weekend/evening. You should take an honest appraisal of what you're getting out of sending and receiving these messages. It's likely an ego boost. If that's worth more to you than your colleague's relationship (him either prioritising fixing it or finding a good ending to it) then you are a pretty rubbish friend.
I'm being blunt here because I've seen this play out with a friend.