Colleague’s wife upset about our friendship, am I being naive?

[Bingowashisnameoh1]

I have a fabulous, kind colleague at work, he’s great fun to be with and I feel very lucky that we are friends. We share lots in common and could honestly natter for hours. There are many other lovely people in the department who are good friends too. It’s not exclusive.
Out of the blue his wife called me late one evening, I didn’t answer and there was no message. I assumed from his wife as the caller profile photo was of the two of them. We have never met so it was odd that she would even have my number. I spoke with him about this and he explained she’s been upset about our friendship for a while and had seen some of our messages.
I’m happily married and have no intention of leaving my family. I understand how she must feel and I’m sorry, but it really it is just friendship. There is no physical attraction there. Friends have always been very important to me and I think in life when you find such a friend, it’s a rare thing and their gender shouldn’t matter.
I have confided in a friend and she thinks I am playing with fire. Am I being naive?

The issue isn’t whether you think the messages cross a line or not, or whether you think this is an EA or not. The issue is that you are continuing to behave in a way that makes another woman feel that her marriage is under threat because of your interactions with her husband. Your choice is whether you ignore her feelings or not and whether you choose to continue knowing you are causing someone else pain. Of course he also has to take responsibility for his part in the interactions, but that doesn’t absolve you.

If he's replying, it sounds as if you're making the initial contact. How often are the two of you messaging out of work hours? Is it every day, weekends too?

Your friend told you the messages are playful, which could be interpreted as flirty.

You're taking none of the responsibility for upsetting his wife because you don't mean it that way, but doesn't it bother you knowing you are also contributing to her unhappiness? You'd prefer to let your "doing nothing wrong" relationship with your colleague take precedence over the damage it causes to his marriage?

It doesn't sound like you're naive about your friendship with the man from work; it seems that you both know that you're playing with fire and that neither of you care that she's the one being hurt.

You and this man have control of this situation; she has none. Even your friend thinks the exchanges are iffy, so why are you still doing this? Has your husband seen the messages? Does he know that the wife is upset? Let him read all of them and see if he remains unbothered.

You need to back off op ,,would you be happy with your husband acting the same way her husband is

She doesn't matter, though. I agree it's kind of pathetic, but at the end of the day he's married to the poor wife and it's his commitment that matters.

Assuming this is real, it reads to me like OP isn't really interested in him, she just enjoys the attention and the silly wide eyed "who, me?" stuff. So it probably won't cross that line. But if the guy's marriage has an inherent problem in it (him, it sounds like) then it'll go elsewhere because OP isn't special (beyond a surface level compatibility, not unusual), it's just transference.

The problem isn't really OP, it's that the guy is in a headspace where he's primed to go for this sort of thing. OP doesn't actually have the power to do anything. If he just nipped this crap now there would be no issue.

Come on OP. Stop fuelling the fire and leave the man to his marriage. You’ve pissed the wife off - rightly or wrongly. You can be friendly and have a chat at work. Presumably you’ve been texting all evening at the expense of his family life.

And I would bet the contents of my house that you’re attractive and younger than him.

Yes you are being very naive. You may see it as completely platonic, but you can’t really know that he does.

If you only really know him through work, you only know one side of him. And he’s obviously behaved in a way that’s given his wife cause for concern.

Cool it off. Keep work about work.

If you do judge him as someone that you might want to be friends with outside of work - invite him AND his wife to have coffee or hang out. You have her number now.

I suspect that what you’ll find is he’s decidedly less chatty (aka flirtatious) when his wife is around. And that would indicate that his feelings for you were going down a less than honourable route.

Of course I’ll happily stand corrected if he’s exactly the same with you when his wife’s around, as he is when it’s just you and him.

It’s very easy to judge the wife harshly, but you don’t know how he is behaving. Has he withdrawn from her, is he talking about you all the time? Perhaps he has form for developing crushes or having an affairs. Even if she’s very insecure, he’s chosen to stay in that relationship and he needs to manage her feelings better by not giving her any cause for concern. Perhaps by being a lot more open than he has been.

If you’re developing a friendship outside of work, why haven’t you met each other‘s partners before now?

I think you're being a bit unfairly treated by the posts tbh, i dont think this is your problem. I don't think you've done anything wrong, you've built a friendship based on totally platonic stuff, getting a dvd he likes isn't really an invite to bang is it. Plus your dh is totally chilled about it, which suggest the actual issue here is your friend/colleagues wife and their marriage/trust in one another.

I think what's happening here is that he's not happy (for whatever reason), their marriage is tricky/she knows he's not in it/as happy as he was. She is therefore looking at what might be happening. I think she suspects you and he are having an affair and was ringing to ask you herself (probably after a few wines). Getting your number off his phone is actually a bit inappropriate. However, you're clearly not having an affair, and if (you have to be hand on heart here) you'd happily share all the info with dh and you treat the friend exactly like any other platonic friend, then she's just searching/reaching to explain his unhappiness in the marriage. All of this is an issue for them and their marriage. If he cares about her then he'll wind it down/back off and focus on his home life first. If he's on the way out anyway, then he won't. Its for him to deal with and if his wife doesn't trust him, I don't think that's your fault. Your husband trusts you, you don't feel you've breached that trust, your dh doesn't see this friendship as breaking his trust - its therefore not your issue at all, and entirely a reflection of their marriage. Whether you want to discuss this with your friend, and agree to speak less as a way to support his wife, is entirely up to you. I think any marriage that can't cope with one party having an opposite sex friendship is a poor one to be honest. My dh has lovely female friends and I've zero issue with it, I'd be embarrassed to drunkenly ring them and accuse them of anything, and he's been on holiday with them and everything. If their trust is lacking, it's not a great marriage anyway.

He wouldn’t be bothered by a female friendship unless I was spending every minute with her. Why would he?

As someone who has needed therapy due to a neglectful childhood which turned into a cycle of seeking validation from men (especially male colleagues who I told myself were just really nice friends) - YABNaive.

You have free will not to seek male validation from anyone other than your husband. Especially if they're married

Yes, that’s it exactly, that wide eyed “who me” faux innocence.

The girl needs to grow up.

"I’m happily married and have no intention of leaving my family."

This bit just jumped out at me.

Why would you need to say that bit if there wasn't something dodgy?

So he continued with the messaging and the nattering for hours despite knowing his wife was unhappy about this for some time?

The wife has good reason to be unhappy.

He's playing games. Yes, you are being naive.

And the other colleague is saying she's playing with fire...

I think you are in the minority. I certainly wouldn’t be happy with my husband holidaying with female friends, and I don’t know anyone who would!

This is how I met my husband

You don’t talk about anything personal but you know he’s had a rough year and you know he’s not happy at home. You are talking and messaging outside of work hours. He “makes you smile” and you buy him gifts.
Pull the other one love. You know EXACTLY what you are doing. Pack it in.

If you know his wife isn’t happy are you stepping back from the friendship? You may be happy to stay married but he may not be. I think you need to tread very carefully.

I have read the thread. She bought him a DVD. Something I would do for a friend, male or female. The OP also said they never talk about anything deep or personal.
People 'telling her' to back off is why I commented.

OP, the more you write you worse you look.
If he has any sense he will back right off and away from you and you will do the same. It’s true that you owe her nothing but you are pushing yourself forward in his life at a point where you are causing him stress in his home life. Back right off. Don’t buy gifts.
You seem almost proud and blasé about being so important in his life. It’s not a pleasant read.
You can resume your all so important friendship if and when their relationship breaks down irretrievably.
so no, not naive. You know what you’re doing.

It’s not appropriate to be buying a gift for a married man, friend or not. Bet my fishing tackle you failed to mention the gift to your DH.

You all need to stop responding. This is obviously rage bait.

Look at the facts. She knows the wife is unhappy about it. She keeps implying his marriage is unhappy and she's getting off on winding you all up by playing dumb.

Rage bait at its lowest. No one who was even a half decent human being would give the responses she's given - if she even is a she - which makes it obvious this person is just phishing for attention.

They never talk about anything personal? Pull the other one! The OP know he's not happy in his marriage, that didn't come from nowhere..

How can anyone judge without seeing your messages and seeing you together, perhaps they are flirtatious and crossing a line. The fact you didn't answer when the wife called would raise questions for me, you realise that whether this is innocent or not, it is causing issues within his marriage, is that not a cue to cool things?

Is this a joke? This is nuts