Colleague’s wife upset about our friendship, am I being naive?

[Bingowashisnameoh1]

I have a fabulous, kind colleague at work, he’s great fun to be with and I feel very lucky that we are friends. We share lots in common and could honestly natter for hours. There are many other lovely people in the department who are good friends too. It’s not exclusive.
Out of the blue his wife called me late one evening, I didn’t answer and there was no message. I assumed from his wife as the caller profile photo was of the two of them. We have never met so it was odd that she would even have my number. I spoke with him about this and he explained she’s been upset about our friendship for a while and had seen some of our messages.
I’m happily married and have no intention of leaving my family. I understand how she must feel and I’m sorry, but it really it is just friendship. There is no physical attraction there. Friends have always been very important to me and I think in life when you find such a friend, it’s a rare thing and their gender shouldn’t matter.
I have confided in a friend and she thinks I am playing with fire. Am I being naive?

Of course you can be friends with men. But you are clearly overstepping, don’t message outside of work hours.

Also his wife has voiced concerns, imagine how she’s feeling actually contacting you. The poor thing.

If you want to continue being friends involve his wife too, if that’s not an option or she’s unhappy about anything leave them alone.

There’s literally no point anyone else saying anything, OP just wanted to come on here and gloat, she’s no intention of stopping her disgraceful behaviour.

Let karma deal with it

His wife doesn't like you being so close. Do him and his marriage a favour and back off. He's an arsehole for not doing so as soon as she expressed discomfort, imo.

Thread from wife incoming - 'a rather odd person from work is bombarding my dh with messages and gifts. She doesn't have friends or any interests. Dh feels sorry for her, I think he should block her. I also think he should report to hr as it's becoming harassment. What do others think?'.

You sound quite selfish and cruel and are definitely not a woman's woman! Put yourself in the wife's situation! Imagine how upset she must be by the situation to actually message you. You are wrong and you know it by continuing a close relationship with this person! If you dont think your husband would mind put your money where your mouth is and show him the conversations!

It's on him. If it wasn't her, it would be someone else.

The acid test: would you be happy for your DH to be having the same sorts of conversations (and out-of-hours messaging) with a female colleague?

Trying to control who your partner is friends with, when no boundary has been crossed, is controlling behaviour.
I have made lots of friends-for-life through work (in a male-dominated industry) and, despite having a partner who I love very much, my life would be less rich without them.

I think if you were a true friend you would back off with the weird work friend Sunday morning chit chat, give him space to be with his family; I also agree with pp, you're strongly coming across as the husband.

It’s on both of them. OP knows exactly what she’s doing, she’s clearly getting off on it. Vile behaviour

This is such a cliche it looks like parody. It’s usually what the ‘other woman’ says about the wife.

Whatever you say about ‘friendship’ it seems you know that it is not that exactly—you yourself have said that you could see why his wife would be upset about some of the messages. And all these shared jokes etc — that no one else is party to begins to sound a bit intimate. The relationship feels clandestine.

On some level it seems that you are enjoying being a version of the ‘other woman’ and the imagined triumph that comes with that—you can feel desirable/powerful at the expense of someone else feeling the opposite.

I have male friends—and my husband has female friends—none of them have the clandestine feeling that this one has. They’re out in the open and we spend time with them as a couple too on occasion.

The biggest lies are the ones we tell ourselves.

Yeah she’s infatuated and doubling down on it, thays why she phoned him, she’s trying to ramp it up as she hopes there is an opening, and she wants to tell everyone as she’s so infatuated hence her thread and telling her mate and showing her the messages. She’s excited;

shes going all out after him and pleased his wife is upset as it indicates in her mind there is something between them and there is something to be upset about.

it’s utterly embarrassing for her, but she can’t see it. He is going to call a halt to this as he realises just how creepily infatuated she is.

nexy thread will be how the mean wife killed an innocent friendship and she was just behaving like she would with any friend.

This.

Have you even read the thread?!
OP has clearly stated that some of her messages have been inappropriate, that she still contacted him this morning even after her friend and tons of people on here told her to back off, she’s contacting him first, buying him gifts, the wife has no issues with her DH other female friends and OP hasn’t told her own husband - this is not innocent!! And no, the wife isn’t controlling!

I have quite a few platonic male friends, some of whom I've been very close to for YEARS, have often had long deep conversations with, would have each others' backs, all the rest of it. And I know and get on with their partners. Don't think a single one would be concerned that anything was going on, it's jus tnot like that. I would never be sending them 'playful' texts that would cause a partner to worry that their relationship with me had 'crossed a line'. But then, it's obvious to me what that line is.

You appear not to, or not to care. It's all about him and you, and not how "THE wife" (telling phrase) clearly feels. You've been told that. Even one of your own mates has told you to back off. You're being very unreasonable and selfish here. Something about what's going on has red-flagged you in her eyes compared with his other female friends. That's nothing to be proud of. A genuinely good friend would understand that and step back, be respectful, ditch the weekend 'fun' messages because they're causing an issue. You're not in competition with his wife. If they do have marriage problems, they need to sort it out between themselves, but don't make yourself the cause or stir it up.

That's what I was thinking. Maybe the wife is worried her husband is a time traveler who has met a woman from the nineties.

I buy second hand dvds if it's cheaper than streaming a film.

Of course it's OK to have friends of the opposite sex whilst married BUT you are clearly aware that he is having marital issues and yet you are happy to add to them by messaging him in evenings/weekends even though you know it is likely to make things worse for him.

Be friends with him at work and leave him the fuck alone outside of it, FFS.

You can maintain the friendship while not overstepping and having a bit of empathy!

Why would you have had to do some thinking?

You lack an awful lot of self awareness.

Such rage bait.

Oh no, she’s fully aware.

Not that I've ever texted any male work colleague about anything but work, but if I received a message from any colleague's wife, I would be utterly mortified and embarrassed and attempt to shut down the situation at once. Anyone with a grain of common sense or experience would see that, if the wife has got to this point about this flirtation, emotional affair or whatever it is, this might lead to serious repercussions, both for the OP's own marriage and her status and future in her place of work. Even the gossip she's undoubtedly attracting may do her a lot of harm. No evidence of any consideration from the OP about what her own husband's feelings about this rare friendship might be, or how it might impact on him if this bloke's wife takes her objections any further.