Colleague’s wife upset about our friendship, am I being naive?

[Bingowashisnameoh1]

I have a fabulous, kind colleague at work, he’s great fun to be with and I feel very lucky that we are friends. We share lots in common and could honestly natter for hours. There are many other lovely people in the department who are good friends too. It’s not exclusive.
Out of the blue his wife called me late one evening, I didn’t answer and there was no message. I assumed from his wife as the caller profile photo was of the two of them. We have never met so it was odd that she would even have my number. I spoke with him about this and he explained she’s been upset about our friendship for a while and had seen some of our messages.
I’m happily married and have no intention of leaving my family. I understand how she must feel and I’m sorry, but it really it is just friendship. There is no physical attraction there. Friends have always been very important to me and I think in life when you find such a friend, it’s a rare thing and their gender shouldn’t matter.
I have confided in a friend and she thinks I am playing with fire. Am I being naive?

Yeah I think that it’s odd. My work friendships are usually for work time and my personal friendships are for outside work. I don’t tend to blend them.

How do you know he is unhappy at home? you say you don’t have deep conversations, that is a deep conversation.

Your own friend said you’re playing with fire, read that again, your own friend. So why have you had to come onto a public forum to try justify it?

you then drip feed that some of the messages are ‘playful’ .. in what way?

If they were work related, a happy birthday, merry Christmas, or enjoy your time off, then fine.. but playful?

After all this why are you even still speaking to him this morning on a Saturday? He’s funny, he made me smile. Go look for that in your partner on a weekend not someone else’s.

friendships can absolutely be platonic but you’re clearly overstepping here.

if he said he found you attractive, what would you do/say? Do you flirt at work?

This is actually pathetic. @Bingowashisnameoh1 you have clearly either fallen for him or you’re just a vile woman loving the drama of causing trouble in someone else’s marriage!
You’ve had your own friend, plus a load of strangers tell you that what you’re doing is wrong, and yet your stance is still that it’s the wife’s problem not yours and you are continuing contact him. You’re truly a horrible person. I hope your husband finds out exactly the kind of woman you are! Or better still, I hope you find out that your husband is doing the exact same to you!
(also convenient that you’ve not told him anything because “he’s away for the weekend”…sure he is)

Asking a partner to maintain appropriate boundaries is not abusive

God op you’re acting like we are all stupid or something, if you widen your eyes any more in faux innocence you will be seeing rhe inside of your own skull

you clearly crave this man’s attention. Want to think he fancies you. And are pretending it’s the wife whose the issue.

grow up. You’re an embarrassment. At least own it. People would have more respect. But trying to convince a group of women you’re just some innocent ickle woman and the big bad wife has it out for you, and he’s so desperate to keep talking to you as you’re oh so much fun , make him laugh and buy him presents, is the most cringe thing ever.

Why didn’t you answer the phone to his wife ? He could have been in a crisis, accident, missing and needed your help - why would you not step up - was it because you knew what it would be about because you know you are guilty of crossing a line - if you are so innocent you would have answered her call / called her back to see if she / your friend was OK.

Yes you're playing with fire. You're messaging a male colleague during family time. Some of the messages are 'playful'. You've bought him a present (the DVD). His wife feels threatened. We don't know how he's behaving at home but we can guess.
Can you really not see where this leads?

So the wife isnt some really controlling bully. She is fine with him having female friends. Just not one who admits she has sent him messages her own friend thinks crossed a line, and yet still blames it on the nagging shrew of a wife. You know EXACTLY what you're doing and I hope your husband isnt dumb enough to pretend he doesn't know too when you show him these "playful" messages. BTW, your friend was tactfully saying your messages make you come across as a desperate husband chaser. Whether you actually want to catch the husband in question or not, you're absolutely in the wrong.

If she's OK with his other female friends but not you then it's even clearer that it's not a HER problem. It's a YOU problem. You are behaving differently to those women, inappropriately.

If one of DPs work female friends bought him hos favourite dvd, that he'd been looking for and couldn't find. I'd be teasing him becuase she clearly fancies him and has gone out scouring for this dvd. I am insanely secure in my relationship. So it'd be "oooh someone has a crush, bet she's gutted you didn't invite her to dvd and chill" I'd be mocking you for flirting with my married man, especially when you're married yourself.

But clearly you are upsetting his wife. You know.you are, you ignored her phonecall, I wouldn't ignore a phonecall from any of my friends partners, I'd assume it was them using her phone or he was injured or planning a party or he'd lost his phone. But you ignored her and rang him.

It doesn't look good.

You can still be friends, you d9nt have to pretend he doesn't exist. But keep the messages appropriate, at appropriate times and keep gifts to normal work colleague level.

The thing is she sounds like she’s loving it. She’s actually delighted the wife has taken issue, delighted to speak to him this morning and she’s doubling down on her contact.

Because she’s oh so much fun, unlike his wife who doesn’t understand him.a d in her head he’s a bad marrriage as that makes it even more exciting for her.

I don't think its on you at all. You can't control her emotions. But in this scenario I'd quietly back off. I wouldn't want to upset a marriage even if I didn't agree. She has to be respected here.

Let’s not pretend that pretty much all of the threads on here about women being suspicious of their husbands with women at work allllllll turn out to be right about their suspicions!!

It’s on her and him. For entertaining her, and hee calls, messages and gifts, and her oh I’m just so much fun and make him laugh and he accepts my calls.

irs so desperate chasing him like this. She’s on here as she wants to talk about it, tell everyone about it, like she did her mate, and she’s delighted the wife has taken issue as she wants the marriage to be bad.

im normally the one arguing it’s innocent. But the op is not innocent, she’s going after this man hard and she wants to crow about it,

If his wife wants to be upset than any level of conversation will do. You have no idea what is going on behind closed doors. She may genuinely feel concerned or may look to use this as leverage over your work friend. Best to just dial it back and accept she will see any message you send.

Stop it. It's upsetting his wife. Have your banter and laughs with your own husband.

OP is loving the attention from WC and from MN 🙄

It's a bit selfish Op.

Yes, you like him, but he's her DH and if she is uncomfortable really her feelings come before yours where her own DH is concerned.

That said, if it really is platonic, there is nothing wrong with platonic friendships with a married man per se - apart from the fact it is upsetting her- so perhaps a way forward would be to involve her. This might help her get to know you and put her mind at rest.

Unless and until her mind is at rest, however, I think it is selfish of you to forge ahead in the face of her concerns. I would never want to put myself between a married couple.

Yes you can be friends but isn’t it a bit selfish not to put yourself in her shoes given you know she’s upset about how much he enjoys your attention and chat which is probably to her detriment when she would like his full attention on his family in his spare time.

If it’s a normal friendship can’t you find some empathy?
It shouldn’t be that difficult to reign yourself in a bit ….just for her sake, now that you know his marriage is suffering because of your rather intense friendship with him, -at least as far as she’s concerned.
Can’t you limit your banter with him to work time and leave him to sort out his marriage during his down time at home, without wanting to constantly seek his attention.

Is it possible that you subconsciously like competing with her for him.
A normal friend would step back a bit and feel quite mortified if she knew her friendship with a man was upsetting to his wife.
But you seem to enjoy it all the more.

Is it possible that you subconsciously like competing with her for him.
A normal friend would step back a bit and feel quite mortified if she knew her friendship with a man was upsetting to his wife.
But you seem to enjoy it all the more.🎯

I'm male and in my early/mid sixties, mostly during Covid, developed a close friendship with a female colleague around 50. She married me in a relationship of 40+ years. Both with grown up kids.

We no longer work together but meet for a coffee and a park walk now and then.

Appearance wise what my late Mother would have called 'easy on the eye, never even thought about sex. 99% sure same on her side

Both other halves aware; neither worried. Met her husband a couple of times as coffee park walks are near her home in nearest town. I'm in a dormitory village and she doesn't drive.

If we'd got to stage my OH was bothered i'd have had to do some thinking.

.

Yoh say he’s had a difficult year . How do you know if your only conversation is jokes. How can you be good friends with someone if your only conversation is jokes. But regardless as long as you aren’t lying to yourself about being attracted to him then a friendship is fine but I do think you need to be more sensitive to his wife’s feelings and keep your friendship at work. Is he attracted to you ? He needs to have boundaries.

Had another look at the OP's original post, and the first two sentences make it clear that she is totally infatuated. But there are still other 'lovely people' in her workplace who are also 'good friends' so that's all right then. Lower down the post, in spite of all these other 'good friends' she has, her association with this man is a 'rare thing' and should be hung on to at all costs, evidently.

Pfffff ...

Exactly. I doubt the Op has a husband or a job. Poor soul.

Yeh, it's absolutely fine to have friends of the opposite sex as long as everyone's OK with it.

But in this sitiation, not everyone is OK with it.

If he's having problems in his marriage then he's having the kind of closeness and banter with you that he should be having with his wife. And whilst he can have it with you, he's not going to prioritise having it with his wife.

You can surely see how hurtful that must be for her.

Also if he's having problems in his marriage, who is to say that it's not totally platonic for him?

You should perhaps wonder why she's OK with him having other female friends, but not you?!? ( that's obviously not your fault though)

You may be having fun and not see any problem in continuing as you are because your feelings are all above board, but it sounds complicated his end and his wife for whatever reason is feeling insecure and Don you know him well enough to know its not because of his behaviour? Do you really want this kind of agro or drama in your adult friendships? Is his friendship worth possibly putting yourself in the firing line for?
You can still be friends in work but just keep it to work.

A DVD?! Who buys dvd's nowadays

Op. Stop attention seeking, I'm embarrassed for you. I hope everyone at work isn't laughing at you.