Colleague’s wife upset about our friendship, am I being naive?

[Bingowashisnameoh1]

I have a fabulous, kind colleague at work, he’s great fun to be with and I feel very lucky that we are friends. We share lots in common and could honestly natter for hours. There are many other lovely people in the department who are good friends too. It’s not exclusive.
Out of the blue his wife called me late one evening, I didn’t answer and there was no message. I assumed from his wife as the caller profile photo was of the two of them. We have never met so it was odd that she would even have my number. I spoke with him about this and he explained she’s been upset about our friendship for a while and had seen some of our messages.
I’m happily married and have no intention of leaving my family. I understand how she must feel and I’m sorry, but it really it is just friendship. There is no physical attraction there. Friends have always been very important to me and I think in life when you find such a friend, it’s a rare thing and their gender shouldn’t matter.
I have confided in a friend and she thinks I am playing with fire. Am I being naive?

yeah, right 😂

I don't think you are naive and innocent as you're trying to make out, in fact I'm pretty sure you're not because you clearly realise there is something to discuss and you're arguing with people about it.

That said, his marriage is his responsibility, not yours. It's on him to take a step back if it's causing trouble at home, although I suspect that if it wasn't you, it would be someone else. The problems are probably inherent to his marriage.

I agree - definitely just a wind up.

OP pls think of his wife’s feelings! You say you are good colleagues and friends, fine, and yes I have lovely colleagues at work, but we are not constantly texting out of hours! Plus phone calls are a lot more intimate, I wouldn’t phone my closest friends first thing on a weekend etc. men don’t do this unless they are attracted to the other party believe me. Keep the friendship in work hours, don’t call him after hours just back off a bit, I know men n women should be able to be friends but this doesn’t always work well in theory. Pls listen to advice on here

I accept what you say, that you are just having a good friendship with this man. However his wife may have reason to be suspicious, you don't know.

Out of consideration for her, cool the friendship and don't send each other text messages, you're not teenagers.

If you’re concern is that you think OP should give the wife more power over OP’s fostering of friendship with the wife’s DH - say that. Don’t put in some sly and unfounded dig about OP neglecting her relationship with her DH.

I don't consider either of us to have crossed any lines. We don't work with these friends so will call/text outside work hours. But there are no deeper feelings beyond friendship.

"We spoke this morning and we had a laugh. He’s funny. He’s makes me smile. What is wrong with that?"

Ok now i think you are eother very dim or being obtuse.

Nothing wrong woth a laugh but I don't think that's it fir him.

Is he older? Does he have kids? Are you hisvescsoe plan?

"We spoke this morning and we had a laugh. He’s funny. He’s makes me smile. What is wrong with that?"

Ok now i think you are eother very dim or being obtuse.

Nothing wrong woth a laugh but I don't think that's it fir him.

Is he older? Does he have kids? Are you his escape plan?

Just a couple of examples from the 'male' friends I have accumulated over my 63 years: one 'male' friend made in primary school, my earliest memory of whom was sharing one of those quarter pints of milk at the age of four and a half, continued through secondary school, stronger than ever now through all our shared experiences over the years. He has been very happily married for 30 years and living 100 miles from me.

Another example: someone who I was romantically attached to twenty years ago, and without whom I would have been half dead from work pressures without his endless support at the time, for which I will always feel the deepest gratitude and affection: we still message and are still invested in what the other is doing. He is also happily settled with someone else, and living some distance from me. I could go on, but the idea that there is anything sexual about these friendships or that we would secretly love to get inside each other's pants if given the chance, is bunkum.

I agree that in the OP's case here she is being disingenuous, and should back off now and respect his wife's wishes, and my 63 years have also taught me that discretion in the workplace and maintaining boundaries is absolutely necessary (and if you're any sort of professional, you just know what those are), but this idea that there is no interaction or feeling between men and women which isn't at base sexual, and limits set on married women's relationships to in laws and male relatives which would make the Taliban blush is just .. well...

I would bet money he's older with kids...

I wasn't sly about it. Because I think she is. She's messaging this man all the time, and her husband doesn't know (much?) about it. That's OP's words.

This is a discussion forum. If MN has an issue with my posts, they can delete them.

You replied to another commenter who pointed out that you don’t seem to care, and replied that you do though.

Do you? You came here for advice and literally have comment after comment advising you to back off.

All you seem to do is argue against it saying you don’t want to lose your friend. Is risking “your friends” marriage worth you sending a few banter filled text messages as you put it?

This is an emotional affair, at least on your part because otherwise, you wouldn’t be this reluctant to let him go.

If you truly were his friend, you wouldn’t want to cause problems in his life, or at least add to them!

This is how affairs start. "Oh we're just friends" Yeah, right, and I have a bridge I can sell you.

Back off now and keep it professional.

Yes

He couldn't find it anywhere but you miraculously could? What are the chances. 🙄

Yep, this is definitely a wind-up. Posting just enough clickbait comments at perfectly timed intervals to get everyone frothing.

So how do you know he's 'not happy' then? You said upthread that was the case.

Not thinking of the wife's feelings though are they? The more I read the more self centred and blase this OP comes across.

See, I get this. I used to do this kind of thing but unless he fully knows that there is absolutely nothing untoward is going to come of the emotional relationship friendship then gift giving is a no no.

It sounds like you are emotionally invested in him, whether you see it like that or not.

Does your DH give you the same quality of laughs and smiles as WC?

Have/would you show DH the messages to see what he actually does think of your friendship?

It's an emotional affair.

And I do know that m/f friendships don't always end up sexual for one/both. I've plenty of male friendships where I know for a fact they don't want to boff me (thankfully). But this isn't one of those.

Ah I doubt this is actually a woman posting….

OP are you trying to find lines to use on your wife to justify whatever you want to do with your colleague?

Everything about this post now seems like it’s written by a man hoping to get away with a bit on the side - especially given how the OP allegedly knows so much about him, his wife, her reaction to other friends, what his wife saw, describing his wife being irritated by this friendship as “unfair” (if the OP was a woman why is it “unfair” for this wife she’s never met to be irritated as it doesn’t remotely affect her)…

Be honest OP..

Do you not have any friends from work?

Without know the specific situation it’s hard to say but in general I’m constantly baffled by this belief that men and women can’t be friends without wanting to shag each other. Both DH and I have close friends of the opposite sex, one of his did a reading at our wedding.

It's just the impression she gets 😂

Perhaps if OP had had the guts to answer his wife's call instead of running to her "friend" to tell him his wife had called her she might not be acting so "naive" now.

Perhaps the wife was calling to enlighten OP she wasn't her DH's only "friend" or other such endearing traits he has 😂

I don’t think you’re being honest with yourself OP. This is EA territory, not friendship. The way you describe he makes you feel is not friendship. Whilst I agree it’s his marriage and his responsibility to cool things down, I think you need to take a brutally honest look at what you’re getting out of this.

No, I don't think you're being naive. I think you know exactly what you're doing.