Colleague’s wife upset about our friendship, am I being naive?

[Bingowashisnameoh1]

I have a fabulous, kind colleague at work, he’s great fun to be with and I feel very lucky that we are friends. We share lots in common and could honestly natter for hours. There are many other lovely people in the department who are good friends too. It’s not exclusive.
Out of the blue his wife called me late one evening, I didn’t answer and there was no message. I assumed from his wife as the caller profile photo was of the two of them. We have never met so it was odd that she would even have my number. I spoke with him about this and he explained she’s been upset about our friendship for a while and had seen some of our messages.
I’m happily married and have no intention of leaving my family. I understand how she must feel and I’m sorry, but it really it is just friendship. There is no physical attraction there. Friends have always been very important to me and I think in life when you find such a friend, it’s a rare thing and their gender shouldn’t matter.
I have confided in a friend and she thinks I am playing with fire. Am I being naive?

I literally have no words...

You said he's not happy at home. Now you're saying that things aren't great for him at home.. He's telling you this. He's sharing personal details.

Why?

My first thought was because they're friends however since reading that the guy replies to her so she thinks he mustn't mind.... Does make me think, well maybe you shouldn't be messaging him then because his wife's not happy and understandably. Some OW from work is sending her DH messages to which he's happily replying to. Why should any spouse have to be ok with that?

If he shows DW the messages to show it's strictly plutonic and not flirty then maybe she'll feel better about it however, she obviously feels threatened in some way so the bloke should respect his DW wishes and stick to office hours friendship

Bullshit. You know he's had a difficult year. You know his marriage isn't in a good place. You're contacting him in the evenings and on weekends. That's time he should be spending with his wife. He's making you a priority in his marriage by texting you instead spending time with his wife or dealing with his difficulties, that's what makes it an EA, and that's what you're getting off on here.

Fonzie's flying over that shark OP. Nice try though.

Could you cut him off completely if you had to? As in no contact? If that thought is painful or feels impossible, then you are emotionally attached.

The fact that he is also still talking to you on the phone when he knows his wife is unhappy suggests that he is emotionally attached too.

And this is another red flag.

If the wife is only concerned about his relationship with you and not his other female friends, then that shows there’s something about your specific interactions or the way he is behaving that is making her concerned.

this isn’t a woman who is jealous of her husband having female friends generally.

some context - my exH had lots of female friends. Was never bothered by any of these friendships- except for one. And yes, he was trying to shag her as I saw the messages.

Yep - they always go that one post too far

Because you're being so ridiculous!
You have no knowledge of his marriage or his wife if you've had 'no personal conversations' .
So your assumption his marriage is unhappy is based on the fact he's chatting to you outside of work.
But whilst making that assumption based on his choice to chat you, you then claim the chat is harmless?!
You can't have it both ways op.

If he’s not spoken to you about his marriage, how do you know things aren’t ‘great’?
Can you give an example of one of the messages that your other friend said was dodgy?

I'm torn about this. On the one hand it sounds like you just enjoy his company as a friend but maybe he wants more and the wife has picked up on this.

However, I also regularly message different male colleagues out of work with no issues whats so ever.
The context of these messages are football rivalry banter or can I borrow your wheelbarrow, look at my new car type of messages. I'd happily show my husband all of them though and I'd assume they'd show their partners too if asked.

I would be really sad if a partner said "Don't message this woman anymore" as I really do just value their friendship and enjoy talking to them. That being said, I would honour that if they requested it.

It's his wife's place to be comforting and cheering him up, not yours, especially in the evenings and weekends. And what exactly is an example of "jokey banter"?). You've said his wife doesn't have a issue with his other female friends, therefore it is clearly YOU that is the problem. And if you really were a good friend to this man, you'd sit him down and tell him he needs to focus on his wife because, for whatever reason, and whether you believe it or not, she has a problem with you and he needs to focus on his marriage. And then tell him you were going to stop contacting him out of work hours.

If, of his own accord, he chooses to leave his wife because their relationship has failed, then fair enough, but right now, you are being the "cool, fun mate" and no doubt his wife is a "jealous old nag".

Stop it. You know EXACTLY what you are doing and you are enjoying being his confidante.

he’s great fun to be with and I feel very lucky that we are friends. We share lots in common and could honestly natter for hours.

Feel very lucky to have him as a friend 🙄Yeah no wonder she’s uncomfortable I doubt even she kisses her husband’s arse as much as you do.

Learn how to have some professional boundaries.

@Bingowashisnameoh1 You never answered the question - did you instigate contact with him this morning?

He has his wife for the serious stuff, you see he’s probably continuing because he just sees you as easy pickings.

One of the messages was how I had searched and bought him a DVD of one of his favourite films. The context was that we’d been chatting about films over lunch and realised there was one we both really enjoyed and he wanted to see it but couldn’t get it anywhere.
I would have done this for any good friend.

he’s great fun to be with and I feel very lucky that we are friends. We share lots in common and could honestly natter for hours.

This is the kind of thing you should be fostering in your own marriage, not with another woman's husband. The dude needs to srop replying, but he also loves the attention probably.

You won’t get a balanced answer on here @Bingowashisnameoh1 all women on MN have a weird belief that men and women can’t ever just be friends. It’s on your colleague to stop the friendship if he chooses to for his wife’s sake, not on you. You’re not doing anything wrong, I’d carry on as normal. If he decides you can’t be friends anymore, sad though it is, you’ll have to respect that. I wouldn’t be getting involved in their relationship dramas though. I wouldn’t answer calls or messages to the wife if she’s contacting you to tell you to stay away from her husband. If she contacts you because she wants to get to know you better (which would be a much more mature and appropriate way of dealing with any jealousy she had) I’d be very welcoming of that, might put her mind at rest. Still no need to bang on to her that you don’t plan to steal her husband though. If she has that little faith in her marriage it’s her husband she needs to be discussing it with, not you

You don't talk about anything deep or personal, but you know he's had a terrible year, and that his wife isn't happy with the messages, and he's said enough that you assume he's unhappy.

I've never said about any friend "they make me smile". It's a weird thing to say, I assume someone's friends will make them happy. Saying "he makes me smile" to.me suggests "I'm getting more from this than friendship".

Having said all that, you're clearly on the wind up.

It's this simple. Your friendship should not be more important than their marriage. If you honestly care about thia man as a friend then back way off and let him focus on his marriage. If he was that unhappy in his marriage then he'll either leave or sort it out.

Why wouldn’t you foster that sort of thing with your DH and your friends?

How are you going to make and keep friends if you don’t have a laugh and natter with them?

I would, but not if his wife has expressed that she's not happy with it. I wouldn't want to be involved in something like that.

OP it’s hard to know if the wife is being controlling or if your friend is checking out of his marriage and she has genuine concerns about where he’s focusing his attention.

I don’t think there’s anything you are doing that’s wrong, but in terms of his marriage there may well be things your friend is doing that’s wrong.

I would stop initiating the out of work contact so you aren’t fueling that behaviour for him. But it’s up to him whether he’s friends with you or not. And the fall out with his wife is between him and her.

My partner has lots of female friends on social media and there their were 2 or 3 that stood out to me that they were intrested in him because of flirty banter towards him and also being passive aggresive posting things that they knew would cross the line, I asked him to not speak to him anymore and he couldnt understand why, untill I pointed out the way they behaved with him on social media and messages and suddenly it clicked in his head that they were interested and just didnt see it, he soon blocked them and I even messaged one of them the reason why we unfriended her and. I have trust in my guy but dont accept female friends of his crossing the line, all his other female friends have respect for me and our relationship and I am happy that he has so many good friends of both sexes .