Colleague’s wife upset about our friendship, am I being naive?

[Bingowashisnameoh1]

I have a fabulous, kind colleague at work, he’s great fun to be with and I feel very lucky that we are friends. We share lots in common and could honestly natter for hours. There are many other lovely people in the department who are good friends too. It’s not exclusive.
Out of the blue his wife called me late one evening, I didn’t answer and there was no message. I assumed from his wife as the caller profile photo was of the two of them. We have never met so it was odd that she would even have my number. I spoke with him about this and he explained she’s been upset about our friendship for a while and had seen some of our messages.
I’m happily married and have no intention of leaving my family. I understand how she must feel and I’m sorry, but it really it is just friendship. There is no physical attraction there. Friends have always been very important to me and I think in life when you find such a friend, it’s a rare thing and their gender shouldn’t matter.
I have confided in a friend and she thinks I am playing with fire. Am I being naive?

Regardless of whether you feel anything for him, I think you need to consider that if he has an unhappy marriage he may also have developed feelings for you. People often realise that their marriage isn’t happy when they develop a fulfilling friendship, and since you’re happy in your marriage it will probably just feel like a normal friend who you’ve clicked with. If he hasn’t got a fulfilling marriage and other fulfilling friendships then he might be putting more attention into your friendship than he realises, because it’s showing him a window into what he’s missing (platonically or otherwise).

In the end it’s his responsibility to set appropriate emotional boundaries for his marriage, not yours, but it’s probably worth talking to him about it instead of letting it be an uneasy subtext when you’re spending time together. It’s really uncomfortable to be obliviously enjoying a friendship and later discover it’s causing issues.

Admit it OP, you’re loving the attention and fact it’s caused issues with his wife

We spoke this morning and we had a laugh. He’s funny. He’s makes me smile. What is wrong with that?

You only know the context of his messages to you and your interactions with him, you don't know what he's like at home, if he has "mentionitis" regardijgbyou that made his wife suspicious. You admit the messages are playful, coupled with other behaviours at home his wife may have just cause to seemingly view your friendship with him as more loaded as those he had with othe women.

Did you message him?

Why did you post? You’re not taking anyone’s opinions on board. Just stop.

And the shark has been jumped - had us going for a while there but they always go one step too far and give themselves away

I agree it's up to him to uphold the boundaries appropriate for his marriage.
But why would you want to be party to something that's obviously causing an issue to their marriage and causing hurt to another woman?
You are not his rescuer here you are the root cause of the issue, can't you see that?
Ultimately you'll hurt him too when you contribute to the fracture in his marriage. Just leave the 'banter' for the office?!

Girl. He talks to you because you're massaging his ego with your flirty banter and crossing the line. He's bringing his problems to you.

This EA is making his life worse. Some "friend" you are.

Doing the right thing is up to you. But you're not going to do that because you get something out of this EA too.

And it is an EA. Don't play dumb.

Where did I say I knew who my partner was messaging...? I'm not the OP, nor the other woman.
Your comment doesn't make a lot of sense. You say it's up to the wife to be aware if her DH is up to something dodgy... Well that's what the wife of the male work colleague has done, surely? You've put yourself in her shoes, which is what I said to do in my comment.
You haven't added anything new to the discussion.

How is it an EA if we just have a laugh?. We don’t talk about feelings or anything personal.

But he told you he's unhappy in his marriage?

Personally I truly don’t believe men and woman are ever really just friends. There’s always one party who would absolutely want it to be more given half the chance. I don’t have male friends outwith other couples/in laws etc

That old chestnut.

I think if you get the impression he isn’t happy at home, then he’s definitely crossing boundaries. It’s a classic technique to show availability. You are on the foothills of an affair- even if that’s not your intention.

there are so many stories from women on both sides where a married man claims the marriage is dead only for either the affair partner to find out he got his wife pregnant during the affair, or for a wife in a supposedly happy relationship to find out her husband has been shagging half the office.

You've already said you know he's not happy, he needs a friend etc etc.
How do you come to know all that if it's not personal?!
You're either being purposefully obtuse here, are delusional or just lacking in some basic empathy for his family

This. I don’t think OP is part of the sisterhood.

If he didn’t want it to continue then he would stop replying

Sounds like you initiate all the messaging and he replies to be polite and doesn’t know how to tell you to stop messaging him.

Why don’t you wait and see if messages you instead of you initiating every time?

You sound a malicious about it all.

Because he’s married, it’s causing his wife distress and you’re prioritising your emotional affair.
Stop kidding yourself it’s “banter “

Got a feeling the OP lives under a bridge

Agree.

He didn’t talk to me about his marriage, I assumed things weren’t great. We honestly don’t have deep conversations.

@Bingowashisnameoh1 Have you told your DH about the wife's call and messages yet? Because if this isn't a wind-up thread, then surely finding out what he thinks is more important than what a bunch of strangers on the internet think.

DH is working this weekend but I will show him the messages when he’s back.

There’s nothing wrong with being friends or having a laugh. However I wouldn’t say that you’re being a good friend at this point in time or being kind. If you really were a friend you would support him in his choices and his relationships. Incidentally it is not up to you to decide if they have a good relationship or if he is happy with his wife. You are not the judge of that, he is.

You know that your relationship has caused another human, another woman, to feel worried and unhappy enough to call you. You are causing upset and worry through your messages. They are therefore not harmless, even if your motive is. By carrying on as you are, you are choosing to continue a behaviour that is causing disharmony and potential conflict in your friend’s marriage.

That isn’t being a good friend. You’re seeking very dismissive to any replies that suggest you stop, because you’re enjoying it and you’re having a good time, as well as putting the decision on him. You get to choose what type of a person you are here. But honestly, from your replies I don’t think you have any intention of doing anything other than seeking vindication for your interactions- you enjoy them and in your world that is the only thing that matters right now, despite all the advice you’ve had to the contrary.

You're coming across as a bit of a saddo OP. I think it's your marriage that might be lacking something......