Colleague’s wife upset about our friendship, am I being naive?

[Bingowashisnameoh1]

I have a fabulous, kind colleague at work, he’s great fun to be with and I feel very lucky that we are friends. We share lots in common and could honestly natter for hours. There are many other lovely people in the department who are good friends too. It’s not exclusive.
Out of the blue his wife called me late one evening, I didn’t answer and there was no message. I assumed from his wife as the caller profile photo was of the two of them. We have never met so it was odd that she would even have my number. I spoke with him about this and he explained she’s been upset about our friendship for a while and had seen some of our messages.
I’m happily married and have no intention of leaving my family. I understand how she must feel and I’m sorry, but it really it is just friendship. There is no physical attraction there. Friends have always been very important to me and I think in life when you find such a friend, it’s a rare thing and their gender shouldn’t matter.
I have confided in a friend and she thinks I am playing with fire. Am I being naive?

Many years ago my husband accused me of having affairs with all of my male colleagues, until he met them in person.
Insecurity is what I called it.

I think you need to look at the friendship with an honest eye. You may believe this is purely platonic, have zero feelings towards your friend, are not sexual attracted to him and see him as a friend only. Does he view your relationship the same though?? Is it possible, especially if he's having marital issues, that he sees you in a different light??

Clearly your friend knew his wife doesn't like his friendship with you, before she contacted you. However, he hadn't mentioned it to you prior to you receiving the call. He only confirmed, when you mentioned it to him. Did he not tell you, because he was worried you wouldn't want contact with him again? That could be concern at losing a genuine friendship but equally it could be because he has feelings for you.

You might view some of the messages as banter between friends but has he taken this as a subtle sign that you fancy him???? His wife certainly thinks you must fancy him!!

You need to take a massive step back from the friendship. Decrease the amount of contact, especially outside of work time. If your friend is having marriage issues, they aren't going to get any better, if your friendship continues at the same level.

There we go …

Mumsnet is really weird about colleagues being friends. I have a few colleagues who are now genuinely friends, male and female. We socialise together outside of work and during work.

The OP doesn't want to bother with this man's wife though. She just wants to talk to him about how 'unhappy' he is in his marriage, and exchange 'playful' little messages, and 'banter.' All for their eyes only of course.

Your situation is not the same. I think your marriage may need some kind of intervention though if your husband constantly thinks you're shagging every man you meet or work with.

I’ve a platonic male friendship that long predates either of our relationships, but we are scrupulous about the boundaries and there’s no flirting or innuendo, not even very frequent contact, so if either of our spouses saw the messages between us or even us interacting when we meet for coffee, there is nothing at all to upset them. And if his wife or my husband said they felt threatened or even slightly perturbed by our contact, it would stop or reduce straight away. No question.

What the OP is describing is much more intrusive into her “colleague”’s marriage and with the ‘his wife doesn’t understand him’ comment, she’s poised to justify her overstepping the boundaries. You can be a supportive friend without straying into inappropriate territory.

Fabulous! Good for you. Other people have a right to think differently to you though...

HTH.

Would you stop a friendship with a woman if your husband was 'unhappy'?

😴

I know its a tale as old as time. Bored bloke no doubt has a wife who unreasonably expects him to contribute to boring domestic crap and along comes an insecure woman at work sending playful messages.
I wonder what will happen next 🤔

with your partners too @Youcancallmeirrelevant?

If so, it's not what's happening with @Bingowashisnameoh1

Hmmm, yes, I wonder....... 🙄 Poor bloke, just NEEEEEDS to pour his woes out onto a needy female colleague who is flattered and excited by his attention. Sad thing is, the OP just can't see it. 'My wife doesn't understand me...'

Such a cliche! 😆

So he's been aware his wife has been upset for a while and has still continued to message you?? What a guy eh? Shows how much he cares about his wife's feelings. Ive been in the same situation as his wife, its gutting. You need to back off. If your such good friends would you do something that jeopardises his marriage?

Oh good lord...

I have lots of male friends whose friendships predate the relationships with their wives/girlfriends. When they met their partners I went to extra effort to befriend the partners. I have male friends through work and the way I engage with them is completely different to the way I engage with my older male friendships because I do not know their wives and it is disrespectful and inappropriate to be messaging someone elses spouse regularly and in the evening. Nothing about the messages I send would be considered playful or verge on flirty. If anything, they verge on pisstaking abuse.

if any of their wives called I would return the missed call and reassure them. I would then promptly back off from the friendship and keep it to work hours. Have some respect for her.

while you may not have physical attraction to him and you guaranteed he does not feel that way to you? Your friend is right, you are playing with fire, naive at best and disrespectful at most.

But maybe that'd how they used to be in their relationship and they're not now. If you get the impression he's not happy then she might be concerned about you're friendship. For all you know she may be trying to repair their marriage and this won't help. If I knew a woman was messaging my dh outside of work and it was not work related, I'd be pretty pissed off tbh.
If she's asked and he has refused to stop messaging you then it will be seen as him prioritising you over her. Look at it from her side. You know its innocent but she doesn't and maybe he's not thinking of you as a friend.

1 you should of answered the phone. 2 she just wanted to speak with you.
3 ring her say I've heard about me and your hubby. I have a hubby i don't want 2 im happy im chatty we talk at work. That's it.

BINGO 🤣

Man “not happy at home”.
Man messaging female colleague “banter” outside of working hours. (When I’m assuming you spend 40 hours a week together already?)

Wife is probably feeling neglected and unloved right now. Notices husband is spending a lot of time messaging female colleague. She is paranoid something is going on. (And who would blame her?)

Cut back with the messaging outside of working hours. Why the hell do you want to use your free time messaging a married man who you already spend most of your week with anyway?

You can see why she would be unhappy with some of your messages and are parrotting the "trouble at home" line. You are either an absolute idiot, or deliberately playing with fire.

I have male friends and can't imagine sending them playful messages that a partner would find inappropriate.

Im with you, don’t understand why people cannot have friends opposite gender. I do have those and will never give it up despite the pressure from my partner sometimes who claims men will always have a sexual motive. But it takes two to tango, so I don’t really care. I do not see gender when it comes to friends and pitty jealousy- such a low emotion to entertain.

You are loving it. You know you are.
I would be mortified if a wife had to contact me. I would reassure, them, apologise and distance myself from "friend".

So your husband doesn't know anything about it? When your friends wife called you, you spoke to your friends and not your husband? Your husband does not know that you're getting phonecalls off a woman regarding the excessive communication that you and her husband are having and you haven't told your own husband??.

You're deliberately bypassing your husband and going to your friends to talk about it? Why are you doing this if there is nothing going on? Why didn't you answer the call from his wife??

Don't you feel even an ounce of sympathy for this poor wife? She is clearly uneasy about the situation. You have no idea about their relationship. You do know people can lie, right??

Stop being so naive. Tell your husband - he deserves to make his own decision on this too. So does the wife.

You cannot decide whether someone's feelings are valid or not. If she is feeling them, she is feeling them. Step back.

OP it definitely sounds like an emotional affair. So, not a case of whether men and women can just be friends.

Have either of you got kids?

It's up to you what to do. Carry on, and ppssibky 'break' one or both marriages. But just be aware, sometimes one partner moves on, or goes back to the original partner. So, maybe he is not happy and enjoys your playful friendship, but if your playful friendship becomes a regular relationship with expectations and responsibilities, he may get as bored with you as he is with his wife.

Your call.

You are being naive and crossing boundaries. If he says his wife is concerned, then you are too close and should respect her.

This is entirely on the suspicious, jealous wife and the husband, who perhaps isn't as committed as she would like.

It is not on you. I totally believe that men and women can be friends and you are married also. He needs to talk to her, and maybe the four of you meet up?