Colleague’s wife upset about our friendship, am I being naive?

[Bingowashisnameoh1]

I have a fabulous, kind colleague at work, he’s great fun to be with and I feel very lucky that we are friends. We share lots in common and could honestly natter for hours. There are many other lovely people in the department who are good friends too. It’s not exclusive.
Out of the blue his wife called me late one evening, I didn’t answer and there was no message. I assumed from his wife as the caller profile photo was of the two of them. We have never met so it was odd that she would even have my number. I spoke with him about this and he explained she’s been upset about our friendship for a while and had seen some of our messages.
I’m happily married and have no intention of leaving my family. I understand how she must feel and I’m sorry, but it really it is just friendship. There is no physical attraction there. Friends have always been very important to me and I think in life when you find such a friend, it’s a rare thing and their gender shouldn’t matter.
I have confided in a friend and she thinks I am playing with fire. Am I being naive?

Throughout my life I have had several male friends which were strictly platonic. They were always highly intelligent men and we were drawn together by a mutual interest or a hobby.

One was an antique dealer whom I met through my own involvement in the trade. On a number of occasions we went to auctions or fairs together and he invited me back for a meal. It never crossed my mind that his wife (who had no interest in antiques) would be jealous of someone he knew through the trade. There are many colourful and eccentric characters in the antiques trade. So you learn to take people as you find them. One day his wife called me at home and warned me off. I told her that there was nothing between us except friendship and a mutukl interest. I told her she had a very old fashioned attitude. My friend backed off a bit and no longer invited me to his house. However we continued to attend fairs and auctions together when I left my home city. I was only 45 miles away and antique dealers travel a lot. I knew I was doing nothing wrong so I felt no guilt.

Classic - he’s playing you both off against each other.

I'm a bit bored right now waiting for a parcel, my very unreasonable dh is at work leaving me with the dog and boring chores. I might send some playful messages to my bff neighbour to liven the day up and keep them secret. Oh actually I won't because I'm not insecure, I don't sext anyone other than my dh and honestly it's all a bit cringe to be so desperate for attention.

She's not naive. She's admitted she understands that the contents of the messages could be upsetting the wife. She just doesn't care.

I have male friends. In fact, my best friend is a man - and he was Chief Bridesdude at my wedding. Some of these male friends were initially colleagues.

If any of these colleagues had informed me that their partner was jealous, I would have stopped engaging with them outside work until such a time as they sorted things out with said partner. I don’t care if they’re ’having problems’. I want none of that drama.

"I think in life when you find such a friend, it’s a rare thing and their gender shouldn’t matter."

A friend on college used the argument it is so unusual to find someone who fancies you, who you fancy, to justify cheating on her long-term boyfriend.

Gender doesn't matter in friendship but be honest with yourself, would you be exchanging these playful messages with a female colleague?

I do care. But I think it’s unfair because I know he has other female friends that the wife seems fine with.

You might not have feelings for him but you can't be sure he doesn't have feelings for you. The wife's instincts about her dh might be correct.

Do you honestly believe that your texts have always been completely appropriate and professional to send to a married work colleague? If I were you I would stop texting him about anything other than work matters and concentrate on my marriage, my job and my friends from outside work. It sounds like his wife deserves an apology from you and him!

Lapping up the attention and drama!

Probably won’t be back because she didn’t get the ‘you go girl, keep on with the ‘playful’ flirting and bollocks to his wife’ validation she was looking for

You’re being irritating now. How do you see this going? Remove yourself from this situation.

She’s got a problem with you thouGh?

I have male friends who I sometimes text. But as soon as they said my wife is unhappy I would stop out of respect for my friend if nothing else

why would you keep pushing it? It’s selfish

This.

If my husband told me to back off a friendship-a friendship-with a male friend I would be angry.

It shows no trust, it shows control and there will be other examples to follow.

Why didn’t you answer the phone when she called ?

I suggest it’s because your gut knew you were in the wrong despite the cognitive dissonance and delusion in your head.

He may have been missing, in an accident, in a crisis - why would you not pick up the phone after a late night call from a close personal friends next of kin?

Really irresponsible both ways.

So she's not automatically suspicious of his female friendships. Just the one with you. She lives with him and might have good reasons for her instincts about his feelings for you.

That’s not what’s happening here

her husband is ok with it. It’s his wife. So that doesn’t apply here.

you can’t get involved in someone else’s relationship. We don’t know what’s going on. We only have one side to this multi faceted story

'whom I met through my own involvement in the trade. On a number of occasions we went to auctions or fairs together and he invited me back for a meal. It never crossed my mind that his wife (who had no interest in antiques) would be jealous of someone he knew through the trade.'

'Invited you back' for a meal where, to his house with his wife? Or invited you out? If it's the latter and you can't see an issue even when his wife called you then I can't help you.

We can all have friends of the opposite sex. That should not involve cosy meals out just the 2 of you or in the ops case 'playful' messages <ie sexts>.

None of this should need spelling out.

So, there's something about your friendship. He's "not happy at home"? Is he looking to you for emotional support?.

Well, life isn't fair. You're not entitled to send playful, bantering messages to someone's husband.

It’s fine for men and women to have platonic friendships provided that it fits within the boundaries of their romantic relationships.

The fact that you haven’t shown your own husband your messages but you “think he would be fine with them. “ The fact that his wife is uncomfortable and has gone to the point of calling you. The fact that he’s giving you the impression that he’s unhappy at home and most importantly the fact that you didn’t answer his wife’s phone call because you know deep down that it would be an uncomfortable conversation and that she has reason to be unhappy with your friendship all mean that boundaries have been crossed and it’s time to pull back.

It’s a shame when people don’t have mixed gendered friendships. I have close male friends and i really treasure them.

My very best friend is male. He is coming to stay with me on Sunday night as he is working closer to where i live than he lives (by about 90 minutes) on Monday. It will just be me and him. Neither of our partners have a problem with this at all.

Which demonstrates that the issue is you and not that she's jealous or paranoid. If she doesn't feel this way with his other female friends you've crossed a boundary they haven't.

Oh grow up and get your hooks out of the poor man. So it is you who texts him, must be as you say he always replies- so instigated by you then? Jealous of the other female friends too?

Stop trying to kid yourself, show the texts you have sent to her husband to your partner and see if they are happy maybe? I notice you aren't actually telling us what your 'playful' texts say? Says it all really.

Maybe they are prepared to engage and be friendly with her too instead of gossiping that her husband isn't happy..

It’s never that black and white though - it depends totally on the details and context.

Having a coffee with Bob after Park Run - yes get angry for any comment or control - volumes of after hours flirty texts in your family / relationship time - not so much.