Partner accepted a year-long overseas posting without consulting me. Says she "would have said yes anyway."

[YourShyPlayer]

Together for 2 years. We live together in the same city, both working professionals. We have concrete plans to relocate abroad together in 2028. We've discussed marriage. I recently told my family about her, which was a massive deal culturally and caused weeks of family conflict on my side.

Yesterday, her company offered her a year-long posting overseas. Her bosses asked her if she'd be willing to go. They asked. Not ordered. She said yes on the spot without talking to me. I found out by text message afterwards.

The country is currently in an active conflict zone. Our government has issued its second-highest travel warning. Hundreds of nationals have been evacuated. Major banks and tech companies are pulling staff out. The only alternative her company offered was a country with one of the highest rates of violence against women in the world.

When we talked last night, she said sorry for not consulting me. Then said she would have said yes anyway. She said I'm "not a husband", so the company wouldn't take me seriously. She said I don't have clear enough life plans, despite my having told my family about her and us having a shared plan to move abroad together. She said she'd say yes to any international opportunity regardless of location.

I said our relationship isn't transactional — you don't need a marriage certificate to be consulted on decisions that change both our lives. She went silent.

This morning she cried. Said everything I said was true. Said sorry again. But when I asked would you still go — she said yes.

I suggested switching companies to get international experience somewhere safe, somewhere I could visit or join her. Silent again.

Then she asked: "Will you not be with me if I take this?"

I said I'm not OK with my partner going alone to a conflict zone for a year, and I left.

We haven't spoken since.

AIBU for feeling like I don't have a voice in this relationship? Or is she right that without a ring, I don't get a vote?

I did read, thanks for the sarcasm. My point was, my boyfriend's mother died after a year of us being together. Over a YEAR of not telling her and lying about where he was spending his time. Maybe after two years he would have told her. But by that time it would have been irrelevant if he had told her or not. I had been a dirty little secret for over a year and that hurt and had created an irreversible rift in our relationship. I can only imagine the OP's girlfriend felt the same when it came to her considering his feelings.

You sound like you have an overly strong voice in the relationship laying down an ultimatum that if she takes a job opportunity you will end the relationship. It's for one year for goodness sake! Not nice of you.

Why would you make that assumption?

I was in an on off relationship over a period of 3 years. I couldn’t tell my parents about him due to weird family dynamics/ situation. My then boyfriend would pressurise me into telling them or we would break up. I chose break up every time as the far more preferable option. Hence we were on off multiple times. I liked him, but I valued my career more and deep down knew that I would never marry him and that my parents would not approve ( more an irritant to me, than a driver of a decision : their approval wouldn’t be needed.)

So in your situation I can understand both sides. We don’t know your ages, and a lot of other key information, however I would say, on the basis of what you have put, this isn’t a goer. Best to split up now.

I agree - 'you chose her over your family, she chose her job over you'...oof...😬harsh but true...

You're both very young and maybe not quite in the same "place" when it comes to the relationship. She hasn't handled it well, but if she's definitely going, you have 2 choices - long-distance relationship, or end the relationship. Have a conversation about whether you both see each other as life partners, and then decide. Many years ahead of you yet hopefully.

Honestly you are mid 20’s you have time. If she were my daughter I would expect her to do whats best for her at this stage. She definitely should have spoken to you about it, it was inconsiderate not to but honestly you aren’t married, you don’t have children and maybe you love her precisely because she’s the kind of person who’ll say “fuck it” and pack a bag and go.

I’d be horrified if DD let go of opportunities because of a boyfriend.

Cringing at the chatGPT posts. Highly doubt this is real. Just asking it to keep responding.

I agree with this 100%. It's very sad, but I think that you are much more committed to the relationship than she is. You're getting a hard time from some people, but that's standard for MN. 2 years into a relationship and living together, of course it is reasonable to think that she would discuss this with you before deciding what to do.

Anyone who has had a passing familiarity with ChatGPT's rhythm, flow, and sentence construction can recognise it. No to mention that long em dash. It was definitely written by ChatGPT.

By creating a family rift you have made a big commitment to her - you choose her over your family. She’s responded by choosing her job over you.

So many people are minimising the cultural issue, and OP taking time before throwing the bomb into his family. In some cultures it's huge to make the decision that he did.

On other threads that involve children, two years is considered nothing (and if course, for a chunk of that two years, the girlfriend was overseas).

So yes, the enormity of telling his family might have demonstrated a level of commitment that's freaked his partner out, rather than the initial secrecy.

But yes, were the sexes reversed, this would be a very different thread. No woman would be accused of clipping her live in male partner's wings, if she was angry that he'd taken a decision to work abroad for a year, without discussion.

Does she work for the foreign office? If so that’s the nature of the job. Nothing will ever change

100%. I don’t understand the tenor of responses - it IS bizarre she took this offer without even talking about it and it has probably just torpedoed the relationship.

It’s probably just a role in Dubai too rather than anything more noble….

I sympathise, but she's a woman in her 20s who has been given perhaps a great opportunity to develop her career. For women who might end up having kids, your 20s are really the best and perhaps only opportunity to take risks and move abroad to get ahead in your career. A year is a short time. I moved abroad in my 20s for 2 years for work, my partner didn't love it but we got through with visiting and calls, it did wonders for my career, I saved a house deposit and we settled into adult life and had kids when I got back. Once you have those adult ties, those opportunities often are too complicated to take. Support her. Have a serious go with distance. Have a discussion about both of your life expectations after she returns.

I think your safety concern sounds like an afterthought. "I don't want you to go, for ME. Also it's not safe". If it's not your main argument, if I were her and I felt safe enough I couldn't take it seriously. Although I would personally not move to the middle east right now!

If she thinks so little of you and the relationship, she said yes on the spot - you need to move on.

She would prefer to be in a war zone than stay home with you - let that sink in.

You’re not married, you’ve not met each other’s families, which sounds like it’s steeped in problems and she’s taken a job offer on the spot. She’s done nothing wrong. You just need to decide whether you’re going or not.

I would say she is not that into you anymore. You would do better to part ways.

She’s right that without a ring, you don’t get a vote.

Its harsh, but that’s what happens when you take years to propose.

I think she could have discussed it with you , but ultimately, it’s her choice.

I know this must be really hurtful, but it sounds like she is putting her job first. I don’t think the idea she would rather live in a war zone is helpful, but she is choosing her career over her current life with you. Your mid -20’s is the time where you sometimes have to be selfish if your career is very important to you, you can’t necessarily make these kind of choices when you’ve a mortgage, a husband, children. The relationship could work out if you accept this is something she very much wants to do, but that would mean understanding her career comes first, above her relationship. It might be better to cut ties and find someone who’s ambitions are more aligned to yours.

FWIW I had the opportunity to move abroad for a year for work, I didn’t take it because I had a boyfriend of a couple of years (we didn’t live together). The relationship lasted a few years but I always regretted not taking the chance I was offered.

I think a lot of people are missing the point of your post! Either deliberately or not just reading it properly.
Sadly, I think this relationship has run its course. I was thinking that before you posted that this is the second time she has behaved like this. You both want different things and she is prioritising her career over your relationship. There is nothing wrong with her choosing that but then you can make your own choices and decisions based on hers. (Not in a tit for tat way!) It is quite shocking that she would consider going to an active war zone (and that her work would offer it!)
The rift with your family is also of concern.....I can understand not telling your family until you were sure about the relationship (rather than risking causing a rift for something short term!)
As you are both mid 20s, you both have plenty of time to move on and find other people who align more with your life choices.
Best of luck

Personally I don’t think she sees future with you. Which is just as well, your family sounds like a nightmare and if she stays with you she’ll be stuck with that drama forever.

This relationship won't work, especially if this is her second round. She's probably afraid of dumping you, but you're obviously very different people with very different outlooks.
Set her free so she can chase her dreams.

Agree. If you're living together and have been together for a couple of years, ring or no ring it's normal to expect a bit of discussion about a foreign job offer.

And yes, it's probably some Dubai- based job - least said about them the better.

It sounds like she values her career above you. If shes young and ambitious and looking for travel, adventure and new challenges you won’t be able to hold her. If she stayed she’d resent you, and probably go at the next opportunity anyway. You sound more cautious and happy where you are. There’s nothing wrong with either position but you aren’t suited and she isn’t the right woman for you.

I agree; I would be devastated if I was the OP, sh doesn’t care about the OP