Boyfriend in his 30s is wonderful but rarely wants sex

[RoseKitten]

My boyfriend and I are both in our 30s. I love him deeply. He is kind, very attentive, ambitious, good with my friends, family and nieces, and very attractive. He goes to the gym 5x a week, and it shows: he is in incredible shape. I dream of marrying and having children with this man. I know he would be a wonderful husband and father.

However, he seems uninterested in sex. I knew something was a bit 'off' when we first started dating: he didn't invite me to his place until about date 7 or 8, and that was only because I basically invited myself around. When I went around, I was expecting to stay the night (although it wasn't explicitly discussed), but he told me he had to go to bed early because he needed to be up at 4am, so he dropped me back at about 10pm.

When we do have sex, it's fantastic. He is an amazing lover, and I find him so physically attractive, but we don't have sex enough for my liking, and I just feel it is not important to him. He very rarely initiates, and he always wants to take me out rather than spend time with me at home. Maybe I am being paranoid, but he seems to do everything possible to spend as little time as possible at my place or his.

Some other things that did/do not 'add up' for me:

• After about date 5 or 6, we were WhatsApping one night, and I asked when he would invite me around. He wrote something like, "Netflix and chill is low-effort. I need to take you out to nice places." I wrote, "The "chill" part is nice, though, no? ;)" He then wrote, "If you want a f*boy, I am not the man for you."
• Despite his seeming lack of interest in sex, he has no problem showing me affection (kissing, holding hands etc.) in public, and he DOES initiate these things most of the time.
• I am a bit ashamed to admit this, but I did once go through his phone when he was out of the room, and there was nothing in there that suggests he is cheating.
• As I said at the start of the message, going to the gym is a big part of his life, and he looks amazing. He is also quite particular about his appearance - teeth, hair, skin, everything. I know the gym and grooming etc. have all sorts of benefits, but surely one of them is to look sexually attractive. In other words, I've always felt that men who put so much effort into their appearances do so at least in part because sex is important to them, and they want to look as good as possible for it, yet... sex is not a priority for him.

To finishing things up, 98%, 99% of our relationship is so good, but this final 1-2% is so important, yet I feel almost greedy wanting it. I want to discuss it with him, but a) I don't know how to approach it, b) I am not worried about his reaction (we have discussed difficult topics before, and he has always been calm, respectful, understanding and helpful), but I am worried that he may tell me something I have not prepared for.

So,

1. What do you think the issue(s) may be?
2. How do I approach discussing them with him?

Thank you.

It's obviously a problem for you. Personally I wouldn't settle for someone with whom I had such a mismatch in sex drive. My gut instinct is that he's not heterosexual. Best of luck with working through it.

Porn addled

Real life sex not appealing- too many smells/ sounds etc and nowhere near the novelty he now needs

Increasingly common

Just a guess... Sounds like he is gay, but his vanity won't let him accept being seen in public with a man, so you are the symbol of his 'heterosexualness' to the public eye, friends and family. Possibly also why he always wants to be out and about with you.

My first thought as well. Thus young mam is either asexual / homosexual but hasn't realised himself yet. There are some clues in the first post by @RoseKitten :

1. He said: "I need to take you out to nice places" .... he needs to be seen with you / to portray the image he wants of the hot stud muffin with a lovely girlfriend.

2. You also mention he has no problem with affection in public - again this could be part of keeping up appearances.

Alternatively, he takes steroids which have helped him achieve this very fit gym body .... but steroids have messed up his testosterone levels and actually killed his sex life / lust / desire / sexual urges.

It's a known side effect of steroid abuse - the irony of men using the steroids and doing gym sessions 5 x a week to look like a buff sex god.... but the steroids have the reverse effect on their actual sexual desires.

Agree with PPs that he's probably not heterosexual. Why he's dating a woman is not something you need to worry about.
And I really don't like that f*boy message. That's not how you talk to someone you have affection for.
I wouldn't be discussing it with him. This is how he is - if you are happy enough with it, fine. But it's never a good idea to ask for what's not on the menu. That way lies heartache.
You deserve better.

Agree with the fuckboy message is a red flag. It reads as 'you aren't allowed to want sex and if you do you clearly have bad taste in men'.

There's a bit of a shaming vibe to it.
I get a feeling this guy could be quite mean if he feels slighted. And that's never a good sign.

I wouldn't necessarily jump to him not being straight but...I think it could be gym related if he seems very rigid with that. Is it still a thing said that sex before the gym can damage gym performance?

I'd be wary of an image obsessed man. It isn't necessarily women he is trying to impress. Mire likely his gym bros.

I'd just straight up tell him you'd like more sex and see how he takes it. His response should be telling. If he tries to shame you in any way, dump. If he suggests it's abnormal or that you should be grateful for what you get, dump. If he compares you to exs, dump. You get the picture.

Im no psychologist but.....Yeah i think either steroids or he has a mental health issue ...perhaps body dysmorphia ??? Obsessed with his body and sppearance and how he is perceived and accompanying anxiety/ depression/ obsessiveness ??? I think he is not right for you. You'll get hurt and frustrated and it will affect you psychologically. I'd knock it on the head. He's not taking on board your needs, which is a huge red flag.

He definitely doesn't take steroids. He doesn't have that kind of physique, and he just isn't that kind of guy. I should have made that clear in my OP.

I did have this discussion with friends. There is just nothing that suggests he is gay/confused, and, believe me, I've looked for things.

I second posters who suggest he may not be heterosexual. In any case, lack of sex or him turning you down will, best case scenario, grind you down over time, or worst case scenario, affect your self esteem. Whatever the underlying cause, you’re mismatched.

My brother is gay and I had no idea until he told me on his 21st birthday. If you met him, he is the most straight man you could imagine! Tradie surfer with lots of friends, enjoys working on cars and going camping. He explained to me that he loves the straight life but is simply wired to find men attractive. He knew from a young age as was confused why no other boys at primary school thought they were.

@RoseKitten There is just nothing that suggests he is gay.

But there's a lot in his behaviour that suggests it, OP. The thread is only an hour old and 6 PPs have thought of it.

It’s probably quite simple. Sex isn’t that important to him because he has a low sex drive. You are mismatched.
Look at Dead Bedrooms on Reddit.
Staying with him will not end well.

I must admit that that "f*boy" message was a little painful, but other than that, he has never really hurt me.

He really is kind and thougtful. As I say, he is a wonderful boyfriend in almost every other aspect: he supported me so well through a tough period a few months ago; we rarely argue; I feel comfortable discussing almost anything with him; he just makes me very happy, overall.

That's why it would be so difficult just to "dump" him.

While I am thinking about it, every couple of weeks, he books a spa or massage or some kind of treatment for me. One day I asked if he wanted to do a couples' massage together, and he said something like, "No. Massages are for you and only you." I didn't ask what he meant, but I found it confusing.

I think we're used to men wanting sex so badly that they have to restrain themselves to 'be nice'. I say that b/c I also would've found it strange to wait until date 7-8 to DTD and then the infrequency of sex since then.

I don't know, but perhaps this one just has a lower sex drive than some?

No real advice OP but I'd feel the same as you.

It sounds like he's just not interested in having sex with you, OP. Talking to him might result in short term change as he attempts to please you, but he'll revert back to type eventually.

In a new relationship with you only being in your 30's, if he's not raring to go whenever you are, that'd be a massive red flag for me.

Whatever's wrong with him doesn't really matter - gay, porn-addled, who cares. Either way, it seems like he's going to make you feel ashamed of having a normal sex drive, and a relationship with him obviously isn't going to make you happy. You're wasting your time on him.

But when we do have sex, it's incredible. It is the best sex I have ever had. That's what makes it more confusing: if it were boring or he just cared about himself or just wanted to get it finished ASAP, I would think maybe he is selfish or not 100% heterosexual, but it isn't.

How long have you actually been with him op?

His blunt, non-explanatory answers seem a bit redpill to me.

This isn't 1 or 2% though is it? It's a huge thing. It will not get better. You'll end up frustrated and feel unloved. Ask me how I know? It's a miracle I got dcs and that's because I always instigated sex and wanted dcs. I got divorced he never bothered with anyone. I remarried (after a lot of great sex) to a man with a high sex drive. Exdh is a lovely man just no sex drive.

Your man sounds gay to me. He's either in denial or hiding behind you.

As I replied to another poster, when we do have sex, it's incredible. He is the best lover I have had, and I have a good number.

The "fboy comment really was a one-off. He has never said anything like that since.

It's so difficult. I just wish I knew.

The fuck boy comment is a huge red flag. I agree he'll make you feel abnormal. You aren't.

No good OP. I wrote a similar post around 1.5 years ago including the he’d make a wonderful husband and father bit. But you know what? This is an important missing piece.

you love and care for him but eventually you will resent him for this. I would sadly end it now and take your time to grieve.

I understand your point, but I know him, and others know him, and there's never been even a story about him drunkenly kissing a guy when he was at college or anything.

What do you wish you knew?

Ultimately, either you're happy with the frequency of sex or you're not. And you're clearly not. There's no point in talking to him about it with the expectation that it'll prompt permanent change, because it won't. Your sex drives are simply mismatched, and in addition, some of his statements are real red flags for deeper issues.

I think you either need to accept having sex infrequently, or break up with him, sadly.

This is what I feel, even though he "looks" like someone with a high sex drive. I guess that adds to the disappointment, I guess.

In a way, it would be a relief because then I would know it's not that he is not straight, but then I would have to weigh up my future with him.