Am I being unfair? Couple finances

[Cluelessfirstimer]

Me and DP own a home together (with mortgage) and have 1 DS.

We are not married. This is by choice for me. I dont want this thread to get into a back and forth if thats a wise decision or not but ive mentioned it as its relevant.

Ive always been very clear that everything has to be 50/50 in terms of bills and mortgage etc. Even before we purchased a home.

I have a good career and earn well - about £80k all in. DP has lost a few jobs for various reasons over the year and as such earns less. £40k.

He earns enough to cover his half of the bills and enough left over but I pay for almost all the food, any child care and basically everything else we do or need. Ive just paid for our holiday.

Anyway - we have had some work done on the house which I outlaid for. I have said DP needs to pay me back his half at some point.

Hes had an absolute shit fit this evening about it and started saying we should stagger the bills and mortgage to relate to salary. Im totally against this. We have been together a long time and although I dont forsee it I know if we split we would each get 50% of the house. I find it incredibly unfair that I should have paid more.

He CAN afford his half he CAN afford to pay me half for the work (ive suggested very small installments) so im pretty pissed off this has started now.

Am I being completely unfair here? My mum got absolutely shafted when her and my dad split up so ive always been nervous and keen to protect myself financially. I feel ive worked really hard to do that and have always been clear about wanting things to be 50/50.

See many of these posts on Mumsnet.
A very tricky business especially when the woman earns more.

Men don't like it one little bit.

Usually It should be in proportion of salary however doesn't sound like he is pulling his weight.
Hope he sees sense at your sit down chat at the weekend

Yes the child is his.

We just went through the last 6 months. He also got a small christmas bonus i forgot about. Maybe a little skewed because of Christmas and holiday booking but for now we just did 6.

Doing this i realised im actually paying 1 or 2 bills not included in our splits. We moved in October so must have just took these on and not thought.

Firstly my take home pay is not double. Not by £500 ish! He didnt realise this.

On average 70% of my salary went to house and child etc which about 30% of his does. As said a few expensive months so maybe we will go back further.

A couple of months he has had more than me left at the end of the month.

He said he meant just the mortgage and bills being proportioned to our salaries not everything else. Ive said to him no. Thats not fair and im not doing that. Its all or nothing!

As many pp have said if we did proportion everything he would be worse off and I would be better off.

I dont care so much about that, but his shit fit last night has wound me up.

We are going to pick up tomorrow but ive made it clear its all or nothing.

im not sure if he suggests going back to our original agreement ill say yes or not.

He did apologise.

Ive said at the least he needs to pick up some childcare. Im absolutely squeezed (like most working parents!) juggling it. My work allow me incredible flexibility but if this changed or I got another job I would really struggle.

Oh and we went through his bank statement to see where his money is going as he claims it goes fast... a LOT of spontaneous amazon purchases ... our shed is full of absolute trash gadgets so that didnt shock me but did shock him how it totals up

Oh sorry lastly- the monthly shop bill made him gulp! We buy all own brand and nothing luxurious! This is the cost of living darling!

Financially, things should either be shared entirely or split according to income. He is reasonable to say it isn’t fair to expect the lower earning to contribute 50%, unless you’re living to their choice of standards. But given you pay all of the childcare expenses, I’d be surprised if you weren’t already contributing proportionally.

He’s definitely an arsehole to focus on the finances if he isn’t pulling his weight in the home either.

Well colour me shocked. Not. I stick by my original statement- 50/50 everything (finances and house and child) or proportionately more finances from you in return for proportionately more non financial contribution from him. As for the ‘I only want to proportion those costs I am paying but none of those I am not paying - FFS I don’t know how you kept your temper!
It sounds like you have babied him a bit - sorting everything and asking for a ‘contribution’ on some items. I think you need to take a BIG step back going forwards and let him sort, organise and pay for stuff too. Basically be an adult.

What works for some couples wont work for others. You both need to sit down and agree an approach. You already pay more and paid 50% on mat leave so this needs to be recognized. Do you do 50% of chores/childcare/mental load? I earn 8x my partners income and we pool money completely but in return I expect he picks up other things that I don’t have the time or mental capacity for with my full on job.

I feel like I could have written your post! Only difference is that my OH earns less but we too aren’t married, despite being together such a long time. I think it’s because I feel I’d end up having to pay for that too and I begrudge it!

We split mortgage/bills around 2/3 to 1/3 but I end up paying for all holidays, food, days out and any childcare. Like yourself, I’m also expected to work around doing pick ups etc.

Whilst I don’t have any particular advice (because I clearly need to sort my own shit out!) I think you definitely need to talk things through and how they make you feel. I paid for us all to go to New York and he didn’t even bother taking his card with him to buy one coffee because he just expected me to organise and pay for everything. I’ve just ended up feeling complete resentment and would hate for you to feel the same

I laughed when he suggested just doing it for mortgage and bills. I didnt really know how to react!

Ive said regardless of all this and money aside i am at my limit with all the household chores, admin and childcare. He HAS to step in more there.

He did agree but it feels like empty words unless we actually make a plan - which ive said i want to do this weekend without fail.

Hes definitely not taken a lot of things into account and I think seeing it on paper has shocked him... a lot.

Maybe I have babied him a little

Oh darling. Its frustrating isnt it.

To not even take his card is an absolute piss take! What a cheek!!!

I hope things work out <3

I couldn't be in a relationship like this. 50/50 is for friends. Partners should be a team, especially when they have a mortgage and child together.

I just cannot imagine a scenario where my partner and father of my children ask me to 'pay him back' money.
I earn less than half what my other half earns. And that's not because I earn a poor salary I work full time and I'm a higher rate tax payer. But he happens to earn a very high salary more than twice mine.
But we are a team? We are a family, and we share a life together. That means sharing everything. We don't worry about who pays for what, we just regularly check in with each other to see how much money each has and how much we're managing to save and pass money between ourselves regularly.

Why would anyone who truly loves their partner want their partner to ultimately be poorer than them and have less disposable income? Because that's what you would like isn't it OP, you'd like to enjoy more disposable income, and be able to accrue more savings, than the person you are supposedly sharing your life with.

Its either really really messed up, or you are a very selfish person.

As mentioned above I am also doing 95% of the admin/chores/childcare and paying for nearly everything else.

We sat down and some months he has more disposable income than me so your i want him to be poorer than me isnt even true!

The renovation was driven by him. He really wanted it done. I did too but not to his degree and we were straight about both paying half for it.

Yes, youre being unfair.

And your trauma is yours, don't make it his. Your trauma is your responsibility to deal with.

It sounds reasonably fair as you both have more or less an equal amount left at the end of the month, although l think that you should have a little more as you are the biggest earner.

You are already paying more than 50% and doing more than 50% of the work. Why has he not been able to hold down jobs in the past? I would not be happy with this arrangement if I were you. It sounds to me like he wants to use your money as an excuse to not make an effort work-wise.

YABVU - You should both have equal amounts of free money. If you (as a couple) have, for example £1,000 left per month after mortgage, food, childcare and other essentials, you should each have £500 left to spend or save as you see fit. Always.

Im not aure if youve read my latest post but we are left with similar amounts- sometimes he even has more. I pay for all food, days out and anything else we need

This was totally unacceptable of him too though: worse in fact, as you were recovering from pregnancy and nurturing his infant child! Should still have been 50% of free money each, regardless of how much or little that is.

You have a bit of an odd setup, not to be rude. Almost like flatmates rather than a family, so infact it's quite difficult to say whether YABU or not. Normally it would be VU, but if this is how you normally operate then like you say, it isn't clear cut. I suppose it's almost like he's had the benefit of the 50:50 arrangement when it suited him, but now wants it even when it's husband turn to pay more. Are you planning more children together? If so and if it were me, I'd draw a line under it and have a 50:50 arrangement going forward (you both have access to half of any surplus, regardless of whatever else is going on). If not and you are both planning on working FT, then I suppose you both have to adhere to the rules as they are, not just when it suits him! But you will have to be very clear on this, before any other big purchases.

I think you can safely assume at this point that anyone saying yabu has skim read the first post, seen 80k/40k and 50:50 and jumped on to give you a kicking.

You're definitely not being unreasonable in any way and I hope your partner can step up and start doing some adulting.

You aren’t being unfair I bet he is able to save way more than you. If he doesn’t want to pay half he can live somewhere else and pay 100% himself.

Since you both share a child though i think it would be best if you just shared all your money, no his, no yours, it’s the family money then it doesn’t matter who earns the most.

I think you are being extremely unfair and I'd go nuts if my DH had that attitude

So I think you’re being unfair. When I was married (and finances were not a reason we divorced) and actually before we were married and moved in together, we basically put all our earnings together and then gave ourselves each and equal amount of fun money. I was the high earner. But I didn’t like the idea of us not being able to go out because he couldn’t afford it when I could, or him never going out and me going out loads because of money. We moved in and took a mortgage so it was all shared. I was a driver and he wasn’t but we shred the cost of running a car and I drove him places if he needed a lift. His bus fare and cycle costs came out of the joint money.