Am I being unfair? Couple finances

[Cluelessfirstimer]

Me and DP own a home together (with mortgage) and have 1 DS.

We are not married. This is by choice for me. I dont want this thread to get into a back and forth if thats a wise decision or not but ive mentioned it as its relevant.

Ive always been very clear that everything has to be 50/50 in terms of bills and mortgage etc. Even before we purchased a home.

I have a good career and earn well - about £80k all in. DP has lost a few jobs for various reasons over the year and as such earns less. £40k.

He earns enough to cover his half of the bills and enough left over but I pay for almost all the food, any child care and basically everything else we do or need. Ive just paid for our holiday.

Anyway - we have had some work done on the house which I outlaid for. I have said DP needs to pay me back his half at some point.

Hes had an absolute shit fit this evening about it and started saying we should stagger the bills and mortgage to relate to salary. Im totally against this. We have been together a long time and although I dont forsee it I know if we split we would each get 50% of the house. I find it incredibly unfair that I should have paid more.

He CAN afford his half he CAN afford to pay me half for the work (ive suggested very small installments) so im pretty pissed off this has started now.

Am I being completely unfair here? My mum got absolutely shafted when her and my dad split up so ive always been nervous and keen to protect myself financially. I feel ive worked really hard to do that and have always been clear about wanting things to be 50/50.

I think in this day and age, even if you feel like your relationship is going to be a life long bond, it would be stupid not to consider future splits and protect yourself, and your children.

How many women do we know, or do we read about on here, that go all into a relationship in good faith believing this is their ‘forever’ partner, only to find out their partner is useless, abusive, a drinker, a gambler, addicted to porn, drugs, a cheater etc etc.

And it’s all well to say things should be split proportionately as things will ‘flex’… but this man didn’t ‘flex’ when OP was on maternity caring for their shared child. She used her savings, and he obviously didn’t care enough about her to step up at that time.

Im really glad OP has addressed it and the conversation is now open, but I really wonder if this is the kind of partner she wants. I’d find a partner like this wholly unattractive, and from what I’ve read, she deserves so much better.

Honestly I feel like proportionate seems fairest but its a fair point that the house would be 50:50 so perhaps either thats 50:50 or they need legal advice about getting out what is put in.

Personally for me I wouldn't do any of this because to me if you are buying property and having children together, you are partners and in it together so ive never had to sit and think about what is fair and right with regards to finances but I think its working out what OP is comfortable with, especially as they also arent married so that could make it even trickier.

I would also be addressing the massive inequality in the workload because thats just as much of an issue. To me it just sounds like nothing in this relationship is a partnership at all.

I think I want the mortgage to be 50/50 no matter what (unless we look at legally changing shares which i know he will refuse)

I dont forsee us splitting up but you never know what can happen. How many posts do I see, weekly, on here saying they were "blindsided" by their other half wanting to split. In an ideal world it wouldnt matter and you would be together forever but we dont live in an ideal world.

After that im going to suggest everything is proportions of salary. Ive made it clear I need actual commitmented times/days he will pick up chores and drop offs. We had this conversation before and he said he would help more but nothing came of it.

Looking at his disposable cash at the end of the month he can definitely help to contribute more so its not like im going to be leaving him penniless.

Sad really as if he hadn't gone mental about this renovation (which he had already agreed to pay half of, and wanted it so it wasnt like i suddenly demanded it after deciding to go ahead) then none of this would have come about and I would have continued as we were.

I appreciate all the comments and suggestions and advice. Its really helped!
Made it very clear a lot needs to change here not just money - his attitude towards the house/child admin and time also.

I think this sounds like a fair way to do it as long as you are happy with it, hopefully it also gives you a bit more free money as it sounds like at the moment he is the one with the extra whilst you dont really get that as your finances are always on reserve for family stuff.

I would definitely push the fairness of the household tasks, childcare and admin too, there is no reason he shouldn't be doing his fair share. I notice you say he said he would help, tell him its not your job by default and he is doing a nice thing if he picks some up, this is his workload too and he needs to stop defaulting 95% of it to you.

Did he put in half of the deposit or has he always been freeloading?
Because I can understand that you were trying to protect yourself by making sure the mortgage was split 50/50 but it looks more like you’ve actually been enabling him to gain the equity in the house by subbing absolutely everything else. So on paper it looks like he’s been contributing, he’s literally just paid the mortgage and had money spare to fritter away, whilst not even putting in much effort at home either.
Do you really see a long term future with him? From your posts, it’s hard to see what he’s bringing to this relationship/family.

He did. I was also clear the deposit had to be 50/50 too. Although his mum gifted it to him whereas I had to save my half myself (parents were in no position to help me)

This whole thing and his attitude has opened my eyes and ive made it very clear things need to change re finances and around the house/childcare. While I accept i hold more of the financial burden due to earning more, that does not mean i should be doing everything else too!

Do you know why you have settled for doing almost everything house and childcare related? It may help you to move forward in a more equal way if you can pinpoint why you allowed this to occur.

he said he would help more but nothing came of it.
He would help. As in he would help you with what he considers your job. He thinks doing childcare and housework is your job snd he will help you when he feels like it.

his attitude is appalling.

Id completely switch it up. He does it all and you will help when you see fit. All pick ups. All drop offs. All meals. All house work. All bath times. All bedtimes. You both need a reset.

I think the fair way is that you add up all bills inc. mortgage and pay towards them proportionally based on your relative earnings - so you would pay more. Do all of that from a joint account. Anything left is your personal spending money. A 50/50 split when you earn different amounts is unfair.

Love how people are saying he doesn't earn that much less.. his take home is approx £2700 to the OP's £4700. We will not even get into pensions, etc.

While his take-home pay is respectable, the OP is in a different financial league. which impacts everything from the type of car they drive, the holidays they can afford and everything in between. For all we know, their mortgage is 2k a month, IDK.

I'll not dispute you doing more of the pickups, etc, your job sounds flexible, so it allows for this. Unless he's sitting on his arse while you rush around dropping kids, etc. I'm a firm believer that once you throw kids into the mix, what each person earns has little bearing on their share of what they should pay; it all goes into a melting pot, and they're just expenses. with a fair fun money budget. Because rarely does each person earn the same or have the same level of work flexibility.

Initially I thought you were being unfair on your DH, but reading your follow on posts, its only mortgage and bills that are 50/50 and you pay everything else- is that right?

I'd split everything on a % of income basis - that way it is fair to both of you. Nothing might change and you might find actually you are paying the same as that know, or everything might change and you spend less but DP more. None of us know you expenses so its hard to gauge which was it would go.

A long term partnership with a child I think a pro rata split is fair but that would include food, childcare, decor, days out. He may find he’s worse off!

Men typically find it very difficult to cope if they are significantly out earned by their female partner. They often resort to punishing her for humiliating them (by earning more than them) this takes the form of being belligerent and bad tempered and leaving all the domestic work to her.
I have been in this situation. He ended up threatening to leave me if I didn't change my job for a much lower paid one.
You're his sugar mummy OP, and he's punishing you for it by making you do all the unpaid menial work.

Dh and I have a spreadsheet with all monthly expenses on it, we use a joint credit card for food days out etc and pay the bill the following month (but a estimate would also work and could be adjusted) we add our wages together and take off the bills then split the remainder 50/50. We do also agree how much to save.

Yes to be clear it is just mortgage and bills that are 50/50. Actually not even all bills which i discovered after looking at everything. Im paying 2 not included in that one being council tax which is one of, if not the largest monthly bill.

@40YearOldDad those are not our take home pays. There are numerous parts l/ situations included in take home pay!

While my work may allow me flexibility, it doesnt mean im not struggling with it and what about the house stuff? My work flexibility doesnt include having to do the washing cooking cleaning etc.

As mentioned some months he has more left over than me. Im not trying to steal all his money but when im left with similar or less, after paying for everything else and hes purchased numerous abouts of random shit he wont use yes I am a little fucked off.

This. Sorry OP but I don't think he likes you very much, but it's a him problem, not a you problem.
I am constantly gobsmacked by the sheer audacity of these freeloading overgrown boys who think nothing of contributing less financially as well as expecting their partners to do most of the housework and childcare.

As mentioned we will sit down this week and find a fairer way to deal with things but after going through the numbers what we had before was actually working out the most beneficial to him.

I dont want to dwell on maternity leave but not only did I still pay 50% of mortgage and bills but our agreement didnt switch. I still paid for most of the food etc too. My enhanced was 3 or 4 months full pay that was it. I also did not earn what I earn now.

I appreciate all thoughts advice and comments but if im honest after digging through it all its actually been pretty unfair for a while - but the other side! Food costs are eye watering!

He has acknowledged we need to sort this but I dont think it will go back to how it was anyway.

He did... !

Please let us know what happens. There are lots of us rooting for you to get your relationship on a fairer footing all round. I bet between you you could actually afford a cleaner at least once a fortnight if not weekly. It'd be a much better use of your joint money than subsidising his random crap. There's still plenty of ways he can be pulling his weight at home even if you do that. Don't let him off the hook with anything less than 50:50 on the domestic sphere.

Sorry genuinely thought I’d read the whole thread 🤦‍♀️

As a basic, those figures would be your take-home, before any other deductions, apart from tax an NI, are taken out. You may be in a comfortable situation where you can pay 1k a month to a pension, who knows.

This is another thread which shows how fucked off one high earner can become when they are or feel like they are paying the lion's share of bills, etc. Once kids get thrown into the pot, and your wages outstrip your partner's by nearly 2k per month, what do people think will happen? One person lives in poverty to keep up, or one has to pay the lion's share.

Now it does sound like you've been doing this to a degree, and perhaps on paper it may make him realise this a little better, but again if your mortgage is 2k a month, your 50% of this is 21% of your take home, whereas its 37% of his take home.

you're all in or all out - it's no longer 50/50 with kids.

I don’t think this is fair. We pay percentage wise as my husband has a lot more money than me. I would be so annoyed if he asked me to pay 50/50

Yes, if the boot was on the other foot he would be insisting that she has to do all the unpaid work because he is the higher earner.
But when the woman is the higher earner he punishes her because he feels she has robbed him of his status as a man of the house. She often ends up obeying him because he becomes belligerent which makes her feel intimidated and she responds by trying to appease him.

This man does one pick up / drop off a MONTH. Pathetic!
He is going to regret rocking the boat on the finances - you have been propping him up financially and practically for a long time.

At least read the OPs posts before commenting because anyone thats actually read all the posts surely wouldn't say its unfair when the OP is ending up with less money and doing the lions share of the work too!