Am I being unfair? Couple finances

[Cluelessfirstimer]

Me and DP own a home together (with mortgage) and have 1 DS.

We are not married. This is by choice for me. I dont want this thread to get into a back and forth if thats a wise decision or not but ive mentioned it as its relevant.

Ive always been very clear that everything has to be 50/50 in terms of bills and mortgage etc. Even before we purchased a home.

I have a good career and earn well - about £80k all in. DP has lost a few jobs for various reasons over the year and as such earns less. £40k.

He earns enough to cover his half of the bills and enough left over but I pay for almost all the food, any child care and basically everything else we do or need. Ive just paid for our holiday.

Anyway - we have had some work done on the house which I outlaid for. I have said DP needs to pay me back his half at some point.

Hes had an absolute shit fit this evening about it and started saying we should stagger the bills and mortgage to relate to salary. Im totally against this. We have been together a long time and although I dont forsee it I know if we split we would each get 50% of the house. I find it incredibly unfair that I should have paid more.

He CAN afford his half he CAN afford to pay me half for the work (ive suggested very small installments) so im pretty pissed off this has started now.

Am I being completely unfair here? My mum got absolutely shafted when her and my dad split up so ive always been nervous and keen to protect myself financially. I feel ive worked really hard to do that and have always been clear about wanting things to be 50/50.

Deeply unfair and if the genders were reversed people would scream you were being financially abused, it’s amazing how this site often always makes the woman in the right. But would not accept it if it was a woman being treated in that way,

i outearnmy husband it’s double, we pay proportionality. Years ago he out earned me, we did the same then, I can’t imagine having a higher disposable income than him and thinking fuck uou. For me, both parties should have the same displosable income and lifestyle.

Sorry op I missed that, if it is genuinely you’re left with the same, then show him this,

OP I haven’t read the full thread, just your posts, but I am in an almost identical position.

What we did is write up a deed of trust at the solicitors and I pay a higher percentage of the mortgage which is reflected in my share of the equity. Then we pay 50/50 on everything else. It means I don’t feel ripped off and he pays an amount he’s comfortable with.

I put anything spare into my own investments. If we separated, I’d be better off because I earn more, and that’s fair I think (also I’d have the responsibility of DC I expect).

I don’t feel like I’m being unfair - like you I paid for my maternity leave. I am being pragmatic.

I strongly suggest you do the same!

He really doesn’t sound like he cares or has a grown up understanding of the financial and practical realities of your lives.

Spending disposable income on crap from Amazon and lunches etc is not the same as paying a council tax bill.

I would suggest regular meetings to go through finances, a joint account where all necessary spends come out of including food, a savings account you both pay into for holidays and other large joint purchases and then your own accounts where your disposable income goes.

I would also insist that he take on tasks at home (not help) but they are his responsibility . Why does everything seem to fall on you by default? He needs to step up like an adult and do his fair share of housework and childcare and sorting that out is just as important as the financial aspect

Given that he is completely unencumbered to go and out earn her, It’s not unfair at all.
Although I don’t understand marrying down, surely people think about the implications for the children’s drive and intelligence and role modelling by marrying and breeding with types.

I don’t think he should pay less mortgage than you.

He can’t buy a house (or half a house) for less money, just because he has less money.

Another one who clearly hasnt read the thread. The joke of saying its financial abuse when she is paying way more and doing the lions share of the workload too! Maybe try just reading the OPs posts first?

Well done for being financially responsible, OP.

A couple of things strike me from your posts (some of them I have learnt from bitter experience…)

1. Your husband is at best not very financially savvy, at worst incompetent. Stop enabling him. You’ve done all the hard work to date and he should be really grateful. He needs to step up.
2. There is nothing wrong with protecting yourself financially and ensuring you can provide in the event of a break up - it is an issue for a lot of women still and you are just being sensible.
3. He needs to start his own savings. For holidays, for renovations, for emergencies or periods he is out of work (if he hasn’t already). He had £150 left at the end of the month so he is capable.

Spreadsheet is a great start. Get him watching Rebel Finance School and tell him you expect ongoing 50/50 management of the family finances now he has all the information.

Maybe try reading all the OPs posts. Genuinely how many people are actually incapable of reading just the OPs posts before responding because based on these responses it seems quite a few just read the first post and don't even look at all the extra info added that would clearly show this split is nowhere near 50/50 and infact proportionate split would make OP far better off.

I have absolutely no idea what that means!?

Oh do fuck off dear and Read the thread

100% agree. It is embarrassing how many adults will offer their opinion like it is gold when they clearly either have not understood the thread or just have not bothered to read it. The arrogance is astounding!

I'm glad you sat down with him. An eye-opener for you too, by the sound of it!

Please offload those extra bills you found in your personal account and pop them into the joint payments.

If I was in your shoes I would be insisting half towards childcare at the very least. If he can afford to waste money on a shed full of unused gadgets, he has too much play money while you're supporting his child like a one parent family. Even with this set up, he'd still getting his food and holidays paid for.

I hope you can work it out between you and come to an arrangement that is less top heavy (you being on top).

You’re unmarried. I agree with this.

It sounds like he always has more spare each month and some months he even has more after he’s burnt his money on purchasing random crap.

It does seem this way. I spend very little if nothing on my own hobbies or clothes or anything else each month.

Once you’ve set down exactly how much of a free ride he’s been getting, I suspect he will want things to go back to the way they were, but if I were you I wouldn’t stand for it. Indeed, given your parents’ history I would be insisting you get greater equity in the house, at least from here on in.

Yeah he said yesterday hes "happy to go back to the original splits" now he understands how the extra stuff adds up.

Ive said no. I dont yet now how we go from here. We are going to chat about it this week. Im happy to pay more than him never had an issue with that. As I said in my original post I was paying all the food chislcare etc anyway (and a few extra bills) and thought i was being fair. This all came about because of the renovations we had done and me asking that to be 50/50 which i thought we had always had an understanding on.

Eye opening for sure that our finances are not actually very fair

This has really opened a can of worms about your financial situation and his attitude.

Your partner had a fit when you expected him to repay you half of the renovations costs that you paid for and he wanted. Now that you've run some numbers, you see he's been taking you for a bit of a ride and actually wanted you to pay more than you've been paying when he's not been paying half of your household costs and childcare. Now that that's been exposed, he wants your old setup back. He's also got a history of losing jobs.

I think he needs to set up an immediate repayment schedule for the renovations. He immediately needs to be paying half the childcare, food, and those other bills.

He's a tricky dude. I'd be setting things up legally about finances if one isn't already in place. He sounds like he's feeling increasingly entitled.

Surely the fairest way is a split proportionate to earnings (after tax!) On everything thats a joint expense. Then whats left is for hobbies and things that are just for each person. But food, childcare, holidays, the things you both should fund should be a shared finance and split proportionately.

I’m sure he would be happy to go back to the original splits, because he had such an easy ride!

I’d always advise separate finances and for women to protect themselves, particularly when they earn more. It’s just a fact that over 40% of marriages end in divorce, god knows what that number is for cohabiting couples and separation.

But in this instance, I really think you should add every single bill you have together for DS and pay half each. If he can’t afford that, then proportionally to your net take home if you’re happy to do that, but I’d be pushing for 50/50, especially as you seem to do the vast majority of care as well.

The house and all associated expenses should absolutely be 50/50 though, because that’s how it will end up being split when you separate. Alternatively, pay proportionally and legally ensure that you receive that proportion in the event of a split.

You sound way too good for this guy OP. You’re sensible, generous, hard working and obviously very caring. Do you really see yourself with this guy who’s happy to be subsidised by you for the rest of your life? And has the audacity to give you a hard time about it, while spending his money on shite?

But why should the house expenses be split proportionately to earnings, when if they separate, he’ll walk away with half of it? OP would be crazy to do that. Unless she’s legally protected to receive a greater share of the sale price.

Personally, I think the mortgage should be 50:50 regardless of earnings, if it's owned 50:50 as it's as much as an investment as it is somewhere to live, even more so that OP isn't married and doesn't want to be, so there's a kind of "short term-ism" implicit in the relationship in that it's almost like two people living together than a proper life long "bond", especially if the OP is genuinely thinking of future split ups etc.

Everything else, "joint-wise", yes, proportional to earnings is fair enough as that will "flex" in terms of when earnings change for whatever reason.

Not if the woman was also not doing anywhere close to 50% of childcare of housework. He is a cocklodger!