Partner walked out and left for the 20th time

[sadsadsad12]

My boyfriend of 13 years and father to my 2 children, has walked out and left me. This will be about his 20th time he has upped and left. This pattern started when I was 7 weeks pregnant with my first child. And ever since then he has upped and left if I disagree with him. The relationship has been awful and over the years he’s said so many horrible things to me. Mocked my appearance, what I say, what I eat, what I watch. I’ve been fine since he left last week as I think I am now finally realising I don’t want this anymore. I’m sick of walking on egg shells, frightened to say anything that may upset him. I just feel a bit deflated today as he sounds really happy. I don’t want him back but the negative thoughts of how will I survive, and guilt over my children are now creeping in. Has anyone had a partner who has done this, and you have finally now broke free

Let a solicitor or courts decide what you're entitled to and the children's visitation

He could be tax dodging. My late husband was self employed. He'd pay himself minimum wage and then take a dividend via an offshore company to avoid tax. The tax man caught up with him eventually. Fortunately he'd paid off his debt before he died.

See a Solicitor ASAP.. You need to find out what your entitlement is, plus for the children.
Please don't take him back for any reason.
Any of his belongings bag up now and leave by the front door, ready to throw at him if he tries to come in.
Best of luck

I have spoken to my friend who works in family law. We are meeting for a coffee this weekend. I will never take him back. My children deserve better, as do I. He took everything when he left last week. I feel more repulsed as the hours go on that I allowed someone like that to treat me the way he did. I feel sorry for the next person he ends up with. Thanks everyone for your advice it really as helped me the past few hours as I did struggle yesterday x

He jointly own the property. He is perfectly entitled to return whenever he likes. Can he bag up OP’s belongings and throw them out?

OP, you teach people how to treat you by what you allow.

And begging him to come back, why? He is showing you how he feels about you, and its not respect, love or care, not for you or your DC. Dont give into him when he reverts back to the version you love about him, the good sides when they come back and he is telling you all the things HE knows he needs to tell you in order to crawl back into your comforts. Stop selling yourself short. He knows your worth, just hope you dont. So stope allowing him to treat you this way, specially the DC. They are watching what you do now, and will repeat ones they are old enough.

This guy is not worth another worry. Lock that door after him, tell yourself the things you need to hear rather than what he keeps feeding you in order to keep his own comforts. And the stories he tells you while he is trashing your boundaries, is a tactic to win over his comfort, all the while he is probably trashing you to others. Bet he has a few birds flying where he can crash in their nest for taster sessions, and ones they start demanding normal things, he flyes off to the next nest. Dont be his nest. 20X is 20x too many.

OP I was you before .
I use to ring & beg my Ex to come back & he did .
He was a controlling fucker who played on the fact that I didn’t feel strong enough on my own with the kids .
As the kids got older I got stronger.
I didn’t need him quite as much as I thought I did .
We’re separated 11 years this October coming up .You see the thing is , the time will come like it has for you now where you realise I can do this , I am happier without him , it’s a better home for my children him not being here .
It really does get so much better .
Don’t bring him back into your life .
The sadness you are feeling now OP it will pass , it will get less & less as the days go on .
Trust me when I say , a much , much happier life awaits you x x

@Missj25amazing to hear that you are now happier in life. I honestly cannot put myself through all that again. I know it’s very early days and there are going to be days where I think I need him back. But I know I will have wasted another 10 years of my life. The kids stayed with him last night and I’ve just been to collect them to take to School. In the past I would have been a wreck collecting the kids, but today I didn’t feel like that. I didn’t feel great but I was not as bad as I have been in the past. The only thing that is affecting me is the thought of how his life will be so much better as he has always wanted this. I know I will struggle when he does meet someone. But I’m hoping to be in a stronger place x x

Your life is better already without him, I pity the women he meets in the future because he will treat them exactly the same.

Morning 👋
You see there you go already, not feeling as bad as you have in the past when you were going to collect kids for school yesterday morning 🙌.
How will his life be so much better ! , it won’t , he doesn’t get to live with his own Children cause he fucked it all up with their mom .
That’s far from doing better OP .
Don’t think he’s going to meet someone else & miraculously turn into a good man , it will be all bells & whistles for a while until he shows his dick self .
I found keeping busy helped me loads that time , Fresh air is a winner for the head , even if it’s just down to the local park with the kids for a walk around , get a hot choc or whatever. X

Oh no 😢 time to draw a line at this childish behaviour, no more begging him
to come back. Think I would just crack on with my life when he throws these tantrums. My other half sometimes used to give me silent treatments which are so childish. I used to pander to them and be upset but now I actually love them and get abit of peace and just carry on as normal doing what I want to do. It’s totally thrown him and they no longer last that long. Get some boundaries in place as this behaviour is not good for your children to witness. Both you with no boundaries and him with his strops.

20th time!? I’d be done after at least the second!!

I know it seems shocking that I begged for him to come back that many times, but until you’re in that position it’s something you can’t say you wouldn’t put up with. Thankfully I’ve realised now, and not on my deathbed. I feel I have another chance even though I am 42, I hope to meet someone else before I die. He has the kids tonight overnight, and within minutes of the handover he started criticising me the way I was with him over the years. That I was an angry woman who did the washing, cleaning, cooking, looking after the kids with anger. I said but I’m not an angry woman, I was frustrated with the situation that he left me to do it all. Then he said his next woman won’t moan when she has to do all that. I just walked away as the kids then came back inside. And you know what was lovely, walking away knowing I am going home to my little home without having to walk on eggshells as soon as I walk through the door.

@Missj25i managed to go the gym this morning, I needed it. He seems so happy living where he is without seeing the kids all the time. But he has the life he now has wished for, I just hope the next few years we can coparent and put the kids first. Thanks for your lovely advice once again x

He will eventually change his mind and try and come back.

Don't let him back.

Keep thinking of your kids.

@Isekaied I won’t be letting him back into my life. I just want a happy life for me and the kids. I love how my house feels without him being here. I just wished I had this feeling a few years back.

When did he leave does he have another house he now lives at?
But I’m very glad you’re happy, keep holding onto that feeling and draw on it whenever you don’t feel as strong.

I said but I’m not an angry woman, I was frustrated with the situation that he left me to do it all. Then he said his next woman won’t moan when she has to do all that

Oh aye? His next woman won't moan when he doesn't help at all?

That what he thinks, eh? grinning

What a fool he is.

OP, I was an awful wife (according to my XH when he walked): nagging, miserable, never there (I was but I was also the breadwinner). I worked FT but did everything at home, paid out a fortune for childcare and ran myself ragged. I should have called time on things years before (hey, we learn with time don’t we?). OW was apparently the best thing since sliced bread. Reader, Ex and OW lasted 4 months (after I found out about them) then they split in the midst of the most glorious train wreck, and both came crying to me about it….told them both to GTF. XH then tried crawling back and I told him where to go again :)

OP, stick to your guns and don’t have him back. You’ve totally got this!

Keep the door locked, stick to your guns, open a bottle of wine, pour yourself a glass and toast to the fact that he’s not going to be able to make it 21 times.

That feeling of dread you have about him meeting someone else will go away over time. You’ll get to the point you feel sorry for anyone who has to endure him. Focus off him and onto yourself. Use that free time to hit the gym, see friends, glow yourself up and get yourself back. Then you’ll see how pathetic he is and anyone else would be welcome to him. What a scimbag creating such a horrible environment for you all. Main goal now is a peaceful life.

He has spent years training you to blame yourself for his shortcomings but you can see through him now so his digs on your behaviour being the reason he yo yo’s in and out of your relationship is laughable. He is perplexed that you are not begging him to come back so he is upping the ante and trying to upset you by talking about other women who will be thrilled at how shitty he will treats them.

Thank you all. You do not realise how much your kind words and advice is helping me, and giving me the courage to get through each day. I’m currently sitting with a glass of Prosecco watching what I want to watch on the tv without being questioned why I would want to watch crap tv. I’ve managed to get all my chores done as I haven’t had the kids with me and even though I miss them, I never get a break so I was able to do my cleaning without being interrupted. So tomorrow when they are back, I can spend all Sunday with them. Without having to do my chores like I normally do before back to work on Monday. I do not miss him one bit. I think I just missed the security of him being around incase I lost my job, become unwell. But I know if either of that happened if we was still together, he would not support me. Xx

Well done OP

I agree with @GingerBeverage, he learnt this abusive behavior from his Mum and thinks it’s fine to just walk away from you and his children.

It’s not, of course, your calmness is a sign that you’re emotionally free from him now and moving forward. Keep strong. 💐