Partner walked out and left for the 20th time

[sadsadsad12]

My boyfriend of 13 years and father to my 2 children, has walked out and left me. This will be about his 20th time he has upped and left. This pattern started when I was 7 weeks pregnant with my first child. And ever since then he has upped and left if I disagree with him. The relationship has been awful and over the years he’s said so many horrible things to me. Mocked my appearance, what I say, what I eat, what I watch. I’ve been fine since he left last week as I think I am now finally realising I don’t want this anymore. I’m sick of walking on egg shells, frightened to say anything that may upset him. I just feel a bit deflated today as he sounds really happy. I don’t want him back but the negative thoughts of how will I survive, and guilt over my children are now creeping in. Has anyone had a partner who has done this, and you have finally now broke free

Thank you. Like I say I don’t want him back. He put me through a terrible time last summer when we walked away. I think because of that I don’t want to go back to feeling like that again. So when he did walk out last week I felt relieved that I could start the process of getting away from this relationship. I wish we never had kids together because I know if we never there is no way he would have been able to keep coming back. But tomorrow will hopefully be a better day.

It just blows my mind that a man of his age (42) still behaves like this. His mum was similar with their dad. The slightest argument and she would storm out and stay out for hours. Whereas, he leaves and packs his bag with not wanting to come back.

To be fair, it blows my mind that you have put up with this not one, not twice, but 20 times! You could, and should, have put an end to this long ago, for the sake of your children.

I’m guessing from your advice you have never been in this position where someone has left. I’ve managed to shield most of it from them, by saying daddy’s working away etc. But now they are older, I can no longer do that. So for their sake I won’t allow him to come back

I'm reacting to you criticising him, and his parents, for behaving this way. Yes, he behaved badly, repeatedly, but you enabled it. And children can always sense relationship problems, and learn from them, no matter how hard you try to shield them. The fact that your ex learned this behaviour from his mum is an excellent example.

And THIS is what you need to always remember.

feelings are always temporary and will pass.

you won’t always feel like this.

your house and you life will be calmer for all of you x

Thank you x x

Well done on seeing this isn't acceptable. I think you were asking him to come back as you need his wages for the bills and mortgage. Could you afford to pay these on your own, even if it's a struggle at first it's still worth it to be rid of him.

I pay towards the bills, but he earns 5 x more than I do. But I know that will be another argument is what he can give me for the kids. He’s always been controlling over money.

Exactly this
get rid! Why have you let this go on so long???
do not under any circumstances have him back

Get a solicitor and start the divorce. Change the locks. You will be finem

Did he get the kettle back?

Happened to me too. Although I never begged but he somehow ended up weaseling his way back in. One day he threw a tantrum and left and I realised I don't feel anything. No sadness, no regret, no panic. So I blocked him and moved on. He made it easy.

Look, forget about the 19 times you let him back in. Just concentrate on the 20th time when you don’t let him back.

The past is the past. The woman who let a below average partner repeatedly treat her like crap no longer exists.

Don’t be sad. Be happy and excited about the future you have with your children. Clearly his behaviour would continue until HE decided not to return. Now YOU can tell him not to bother. You are standing up for you and your children - he doesn’t and shouldn’t get to decide how you feel about herself.

If he saw it repeatedly when young then he has learned it as a foundation of how to behave.

This is exactly why it took me so long to be resolute.
Pay ni mind to those ignoramus who have clearly never lived this.

You mentioned before about nor having anyone to confide in - please reach out to your friend, the one you used to tell, I have a feeling she'll be delighted to hear from you and ready to offer support x

Get a locksmith round quick.

If he isnt self employed go through cms. Otherwise he will use it as another way to control you.

@sadsadsad12 I just want to pick up on something you've said here.

Even if you were a bad person, this is still a terrible, terrible way for your partner to handle a relationship. If you were that bad - and I guarentee you he is the bad one, no healthy person yo-yos like this and messes the mother of their children around - but if you were that bad, he should deal with it calmly and maturely. Not this playing games.

In fact there isn't really a moral dimension to this. He's just terrible at handling a relationship and at being a father (no good partner handles conflict like this, but no good father constantly leaves all the time!)

What I'm trying to say is that nothing you have done means you deserve this treatment. Even if you have flaws, like all of us, he's handling this appallingly.

@CarrierbagsAndPJs he’s self employed. So I’m sure I’ll get pennys

@ReleaseTheDucksOfWar thank you. My flaw was asking him to help me with the kids and housework. I was a constant nag to him because I would ask for help and he would give the bare minimum. He made me feel like I was a bad person. I feel a bit better today. I think yesterday I felt overwhelmed as I didn’t have much sleep and wasn’t feeling too good. I just need to rewire my brain to make me realise I wasn’t at fault. I was just crying out for help. I feel so much different this time round then the others. I literally feel nothing for him. Just the worries of mine and the children’s future, but I know I can give them a happy life.

If he’s self employed have you ever signed anything to do with the business?

No I’ve never signed anything to do with the business. He has always kept that side of things private from me. I know he receives dividends but I don’t know how much.

Are you married? It makes a difference in terms of finance and housing. He’s moved out now, but is he likely to move back in to stake a claim in the house? The more info you can give, the better advice you will get.

No, we are not married. We are both on the title deeds of the house. Though, he says I have no entitlement to the house as he paid the mortgage. Whereas I was paying nursery fees for the past 9 years for both children. Think I’ve spent about £70k on nursery fees but he said this does not count. Which I know is incorrect