DH’s contempt at my lack of job

[Clawsible]

I need to preface this by saying I know I’m viewed as lucky because I’m not working and we can survive on one very large salary.

But it is not all it seems. The contempt I now have from DH is off the scale and it’s infecting the DC. We both come from poor backgrounds and feel utterly broke once tax comes out and the huge school bills are paid. I feel terrible for saying this as I know families out there are relying on food banks.

This is a long one but I don’t want to drip feed. My confidence is in pieces. I know I’m viewed as a worthless person. Not only am I not working after being pretty good at what I do but I’m also absolutely terrible around the house so can’t even claim to be a housewife. Possibly ADHD masking for years. I can’t follow instructions but somehow got straight As at school when I stayed up all night cramming having zoned out during lessons…

I’ve had very fleeting thoughts about walking away - possibly into the sea somewhere - life as I know it is over. My confidence has always been low which is how people with arguably less talent (ok so maybe it’s not THAT low?!) have leapfrogged me career wise.

DH and I have been together since I was at uni. He is five years older and has always worked. We are now pushing 50 and 55 with two young teen DCs.

I was always ambitious and did well to secure work in a very competitive field as an outsider (not wanting to go into details as quite outing) but did not land well paid roles until about 7 years ago when I used transferable skills to go into a better paid field. I’ve had several blips - two redundancies including one in new career. DH has remained steady and now earns about £250k (including bonus).

DH has stayed in the same sort of role but climbed his way up. He’s now hit a ceiling on pay and possibly promotions. He is very keen to retire and feels burnt out and trapped due to school fees and future uni costs. Yes I know it is a luxury but DC thriving and our catchment schools are simply not good enough. Moving would cost more in upfront costs which we can’t finance.

When my last contract ended, (I can’t believe it but 20 months ago!!) we agreed I would take my time to get a really good role. So many jobs were around. Then the job market tanked the summer before last and the roles I interviewed for dried up. I had some freelance work but not enough and that has now been largely taken I think thanks to AI and firms not having budgets.

Perimenopause also hit hard and I had zero energy and felt very off my game. I’m now better on that front I think and ready to work properly.

I’ve only had a handful of interviews and have not secured work. I’ve been prepared to take significant pay cuts. Some hiring managers have noted my experience very positively but are bewildered as to why I have wanted those particular roles.

I am now facing ageism inadvertently perhaps but it’s there. Meanwhile DH said last week this was unacceptable and he will want a divorce. He thinks I’m a shit parent and shit around the house and the DC hate my cooking. They also undermine me to DH when I annoy them, so it is becoming a toxic cycle.

I very much want to get a kick ass job now to pay the bills but also to contribute as much as I can to my own savings and investments so I can have an escape plan if needed.

He’s already infected the DC. They both view me as ineffectual and unemployed.

You need to explain to them (age appropriately) that you are not unemployed. Your 'job' is taking care of them and the home. But that that doesn't mean you are a 'servant' and should be treated with disrespect. Describe to them how their lives would be if you were working full time; they'd be in daycare/afterschool care every day until around 6pm (I'm assuming office hours 9-5), activities and sports would be curtailed because you wouldn't be there to ferry them about, the nice carefully home cooked dinners would become rushed and repeated dishes because you wouldn't have time for leisurely prep, lying in bed during school holidays would be gone because they'd have to go to summer camps or daycare. You get my drift.

You really do need to tell this man that the marriage is over. See a solicitor first to find out how divorce may affect you. Make a plan. Then execute it.

PS I'm assuming your DC are not old enough to be 'latchkey kids'

DC are tween and early teens so old enough to let themselves in. The problem is they won’t do what I say and no amount of threats and execution of punishment seems to work. But when DH demands it, they do it. For example today he went on a rampage tidying one of their bedrooms and the DC ended up helping despite me trying numerous times to engage them. So this will be used as an example of my ‘uselessness’. I misplaced something I had ordered earlier for the DC and have been called a fucking moron after he found it today.

It’s his threat of finding someone who is a ‘better influence’ that I hate the idea of. I don’t care if he finds someone else but the threat of taking my DC away from me is sickening.

I can’t take the job abroad as the offers were a while ago and sadly all Middle East based. Plus, would abandoning DC not just give him more power in court to say he should be sole charge?

Love, he's not going to take your DC away from you! He is controlling them by threats and aggression. Right now they're afraid and that's why they quickly do what he says.

You are trying to parent them by reason and calm (although it appears to escalate a bit). Unfortunately those are weak weapons compared to his. For now. But think about it, away from him and his aggression and with you in a calm and peaceful environment don't you think your DC will feel the difference and start to respond to your form of parenting? After a bit of resistance, I think they will.

I disagree with taking a foreign job. If it were merely a situation of you being unappreciated by an otherwise 'ok' husband and basically 'obedient' DC then I might think yes. But in your situation you'd be handing the reins completely over to him and he'd be quick to say you've 'abandoned them' and his obedience by aggression could turn into complete bullying.

But should you separate, you taking a job may be a necessity. So it's a good idea to investigate that and see what's out there, pay, and hours. And (I know, I harp on this) see a solicitor. Your future finances need to be discussed. And it appears that your DC are of an age to be consulted on where they live and how often they see the 'other parent'. That needs to be discussed also.

you mention headhunters. You
need to do the work to get the job. Try Indeed and LinkedIn

Reading through your issues, I am similiar with career and housework etc. I am late diagnosis adhd and now I am medicated and have researched a lot about adhd. I am now able to get back to full time work as medication has made such a difference. I could cry if I look back at all the decades I’ve lost to disorganisation, RSD and lack of confidence. I think once you get your adhd managed it will help everything else. Apart from that, if reducing your incomings you need to reduce outgoings accordingly.

This situation sounds miserable and reminds me of my ILs an awful lot. FIL was a high earner like your DH so not obscenely wealthy but way better off than most. They had a keeping up with the Joneses complex so their mortgage was way too high and they sent DH and SIL to the best private schools in the area at a huge cost to their overall income. It meant that, like you, they struggled to get by even though he earned so well and on the outside they looked well off (nice house and his company car). They racked up a shit tonne of debt to keep afloat. DH said some weeks they had to live off beans on toast.

If they hadn’t bothered with the private schools, they’d have been far far more comfortable and less stressed overall but it was important to them. We all make sacrifices in life I guess. DH doesn’t think the school choice did anything for his life trajectory at all. He earns well but not astronomical, he’s doing an MBA (paid for by work) to hopefully improve this but he’s 32 so this was fuck all to do with his private school. I went to a failing state school and have a PhD.

He got ok GCSE and A Level results but average and nothing he doesn’t think he’d have easily got in a state school. He got a first in a well regarded STEM discipline but from a post 92. It didn’t lead to the networking promises people talk about because most of his peers were off skiing, many were boarders and one even got dropped off in a helicopter… He was very clearly the ‘poor kid’ even though he most definitely wasn’t.

SIL, on the flip side, is a fucking mess. If you met her you’d assume she grew up in a council flat with no parental supervision, abused and neglected etc. She’s struggled with addiction, never went to uni, has no front teeth, criminal record, just rough as chuff tbh so the fancy private school did nada for her.

DH always says he wishes they’d just sent them to state school. They divorced when DH turned 18. FIL was like your DH in that way too- undermined MIL, was condescending, would accuse her of being useless and incapable of keeping the house tidy etc. He worked away all week and would come back on Friday night and storm around the house shouting at them about the mess…

This is anecdotal of course but just made me think of them and everything DH has told me about private schools not being worthwhile. You’re clearly happy with the decision but yeah… Just know it might not lead anywhere great and you’ll just be broke, stressed and possibly divorced.

The children he wouldn't have if it wasn't for you.
He is a cunt. Please leave this horrible person.

Absolutely not.
Divorce now while she is unemployed.
That will secure the best financial outcome for OP and her children.

Go see a solicitor, OP. No one is going to take your kids away from you.

Thanks @nc43214321 . Where to begin? HRT? adhd diagnosis which will probably have to be private given the massive backlash in the media and NHs and government? Anti depressaants? How can all this be sorted before dealing with the other issue? It seems overwhelming.

Spousal maintenance isn’t a thing anymore is it? So whether I’m employed or not shouldn’t make a massive difference? I expect any judge would expect me to get a job even if it’s waitressing etc. DC are too old for childcare except for if it’s an overnight.

DH has hinted before he would just try and get fired if it meant he lost half his income to me… Then he would liquidate a quarter of his pension which he could do now. Getting a divorce deal now would be bad financially as the markets are down and property just isn’t selling.

Do you have access to private health care thru husbands work? I've had 40 private therapy appointments with BUPA thru husbands work. I similarly haven't worked for 20 months, but my DH is super supportive and even says I don't have to get another job if I don't want to (I do, but not right now). Also have teens and both early 50's. Husband is my best friend and biggest supporter, whether I work or not

I think your husband is your biggest problem.

Thanks @TooTiredToType77 . I do indeed and hadn’t thought of that. Would it cover adhd diagnosis? Also I fear he will try and use MH problems as a weapon in court eg she’s clearly not up to having the DC…

He has done a number on you. Progress divorce asap. You can’t second guess the markets or house prices

'This is a high earning man so likely intelligent'

@Brightlittlecanary

The world is stuffed with stupid, nasty, high earning men.

I can imagine it’s all very overwhelming but the people that carry out the adhd diagnosis are lovely and very validating as they explain so much. Things that you thought were normal which are not, ie boundaries with certain people/relationships. Think in the grand scheme you would be financially fine if you divorced. Money can’t buy happiness and sanity.

Ps as if he is going to take the children on full time 🤣 sounds full of 💩 defo not depressed.

Have you spoken to a solicitor about this?

I'm in the US and I can tell you that it would NOT be looked on favourably by a judge if a person 'lost their job' as soon as a divorce was filed. And if they liquidated a pension and their spouse was entitled to part of it they would have to 'make good' that amount in some other way.

Please see a solicitor. You don't have to 'do anything'. It's just getting educated on what a divorce might mean to you. Knowledge is power.

Spousal maintenance is still a thing. Someone I know has just been awarded it in their divorce.

You are enough.
you are a human being. You deserve respect. You should be valuable to your dh and dc beyond how well you cook and clean. I’m sorry you’ve been made to feel this way.
do you have any girlfriends you can speak to? Maybe get out and do a walking or running club and just be around some nice people who won’t let you measure yourself by your usefulness but rather just love you flaws and all and just want the best for you?

Yep I know someone earning far less than your H paying spousal.

If he liquidated his pension it will would still be a family asset.

Sounds like you need to do a lot of prep.

He doesn’t want the DC just to bully you into staying.

He is having such a fantastic time using his life partner as a verbal punching bag to make himself feel like a big man, he forgets just what a loser he himself has become. Where is the man you knew when you married, who was there for better or worse. Or was he always this disrespectful of you and now he’s using your current temporary job situation as a handy excuse to vent his anger. What a coward, picking on his life partner and teaching his children how to be a bully in secret at home. I agree with others, it’s time to call an end to his hating on you, and please seek support from gp, time to focus on yourself. We are all human and come with flaws -You are equally important and worthy and deserve to be in a respectful loving relationship. 🥰

Your (D)H is a truly nasty, spiteful, abusive man, OP.

I think you will divorce, it's just a matter of when.
I would strongly advise filing yourself as you are then more in control of the process.
Also ask your solicitor NOT to give advance notice of it (it's etiquette that this is done, but given how much of a shit your H is, I wouldn't give him any warning).

Spousal maintainance is definitely still a thing.
As is pension sharing.

If your DH leaves his job or gets himself fired when you file for divorce, the Court will not be pleased.
Any money that is moved or pension that is liquidated will still be included in the financial settlement.
The Court will not care who earnt what amount earlier in the marriage and who contributed more to the mortgage.
They will be interested in how many years you have been married and who is the Primary Care Giver (PCG).

The starting point for the financial settlement after a long marriage is a 50:50 split of assets - house equity, savings, investments, pensions. Everything.

The Court will want to ensure that the 50:50 split would enable the PCG to have adequate housing for the children. Preferably in the same area, so that schooling can be maintained.

If the PCG hasn't worked eg has been a SAHM, or has been unable to work, or is unlikely to be able to work, then spousal support may be awarded. This can be paid monthly, or as a lump sum as part of the financial settlement. (The lump sum option can be the best one if there is doubt that the ex will pay on a monthly basis).

The best thing you can do at the moment is gather copies of any and all of the financial info, and keep it in a very secure place (eg in a box in the loft under old baby clothes/ Christmas decorations/whatever).

Then make an appointment with a solicitor for an initial chat.

You do not deserve to be abused, OP.

Wishing you luck in building a better life for you and your DC.

💐💐💐

what the actually fuck