DH’s contempt at my lack of job

[Clawsible]

I need to preface this by saying I know I’m viewed as lucky because I’m not working and we can survive on one very large salary.

But it is not all it seems. The contempt I now have from DH is off the scale and it’s infecting the DC. We both come from poor backgrounds and feel utterly broke once tax comes out and the huge school bills are paid. I feel terrible for saying this as I know families out there are relying on food banks.

This is a long one but I don’t want to drip feed. My confidence is in pieces. I know I’m viewed as a worthless person. Not only am I not working after being pretty good at what I do but I’m also absolutely terrible around the house so can’t even claim to be a housewife. Possibly ADHD masking for years. I can’t follow instructions but somehow got straight As at school when I stayed up all night cramming having zoned out during lessons…

I’ve had very fleeting thoughts about walking away - possibly into the sea somewhere - life as I know it is over. My confidence has always been low which is how people with arguably less talent (ok so maybe it’s not THAT low?!) have leapfrogged me career wise.

DH and I have been together since I was at uni. He is five years older and has always worked. We are now pushing 50 and 55 with two young teen DCs.

I was always ambitious and did well to secure work in a very competitive field as an outsider (not wanting to go into details as quite outing) but did not land well paid roles until about 7 years ago when I used transferable skills to go into a better paid field. I’ve had several blips - two redundancies including one in new career. DH has remained steady and now earns about £250k (including bonus).

DH has stayed in the same sort of role but climbed his way up. He’s now hit a ceiling on pay and possibly promotions. He is very keen to retire and feels burnt out and trapped due to school fees and future uni costs. Yes I know it is a luxury but DC thriving and our catchment schools are simply not good enough. Moving would cost more in upfront costs which we can’t finance.

When my last contract ended, (I can’t believe it but 20 months ago!!) we agreed I would take my time to get a really good role. So many jobs were around. Then the job market tanked the summer before last and the roles I interviewed for dried up. I had some freelance work but not enough and that has now been largely taken I think thanks to AI and firms not having budgets.

Perimenopause also hit hard and I had zero energy and felt very off my game. I’m now better on that front I think and ready to work properly.

I’ve only had a handful of interviews and have not secured work. I’ve been prepared to take significant pay cuts. Some hiring managers have noted my experience very positively but are bewildered as to why I have wanted those particular roles.

I am now facing ageism inadvertently perhaps but it’s there. Meanwhile DH said last week this was unacceptable and he will want a divorce. He thinks I’m a shit parent and shit around the house and the DC hate my cooking. They also undermine me to DH when I annoy them, so it is becoming a toxic cycle.

I very much want to get a kick ass job now to pay the bills but also to contribute as much as I can to my own savings and investments so I can have an escape plan if needed.

What do you think now after the op update, is that clear enough now?

This is a very clarifying post.

The way your husband is speaking to you is completely unacceptable. Has this been going on before your redundancy, or only since?

My advice to you hasn’t changed; you need to recognise the absolute necessity of getting a job, but it should be with a view to leaving your husband.

Just checking everyone is on the same page. I think the physical abuse referred to in the latest update is childhood abuse.

Yes. But the way her husband speaks to her now is verbal abuse.

I agree those examples given are verbally abusive but it sounds like he might be on his way to a breakdown. If the home is that toxic perhaps it's best OP agrees to the divorce.

Yes and there is very few marriages that you can’t pick out a stress point and call it verbal abuse. Very few long term married couples who if you picked out something said in the heat of the moment and presented it in isolation, you wouldn’t think verbal abuse,

so I’d dial down on the hysteria myself

Yeah, people who have breakdowns don't universally call their partners cunts!

Stop trying to feel sympathy for the husband by attributing his verbal abuse to an imaginary/possible mental breakdown and actually listen to what the op has told you about the situation.

I really don't think calling your wife a cunt and describing her as thick to your children is in any way acceptable, normal, or ok.

But I do agree the OP should divorce, get a fair settlement and have a peaceful home where she can be as messy as she likes and throw all the dinner parties she wants.

Yes, none of this is OK, that's for sure.

I think it seems like the best thing is to agree to that divorce op. Or call his bluff about the divorce if it is just a bluff as a pp suggested.

I don’t know about this. I’ve been ragged on a lot in this thread for believing that the OP needs to take a lot more direct responsibility in her job hunt.

However I also think there’s a marked difference between saying, for example, “Fuck off”, which is an unhealthy and unhelpful way of expressing frustration and “You’re a cunt”, which is abusive in any circumstance. Any expression of frustration/denigration that is focused on character rather than behaviour is abusive.

He has contempt for you and your dc are copying him and insulting uou. When my now exh dic this and my dc vegan to mimick , i knew it was over.
Get any job, j mean anything, and get out the house. Stop him when he insults you. Get busy away from him, volunteer, gym, walking group. He doesn't like your cookery? Gd can afford takeaway.
Fuvk him, really, don't put up withnthis.

I'm sure they don't. The OP's partner is under a lot of pressure to put 3 children through private school while feeling burnt out in his role and the only earner.

I don't think it's realistic to think he is going to always be polite and civil as he struggles with his mental health and work while the OP (who isn't working) tells him the local schools are not good enough for their kids.

If you want to call everything abuse you could decide the OPs partner is being financially abused as the OP insists on private school for their 3 kids while not working and he's suggesting divorce as the only way he can see out. The OP has already said one of her concerns is that if they divorce he won't pay for the private schools. I doubt that he could pay for them with 2 homes to run.

He's wrung out with no way off the hook.

As people who have had breakdowns will know when there is no way out eventually the body and mind snaps and says no more and the person has no choice about it. They are then unable to work at least for a time.

He’s abusive. You don’t need to put up with it. I’d make plans to leave.

I think the main barrier to OP leaving/divorcing is she wants the kids in their private schools costing 60k each year which she wont be able to afford with maintenance etc.

@Winter2020
while the OP (who isn't working) tells him the local schools are not good enough for their kids.

And not just this, but she frames moving to an area where the state schools are good as an impossibility due to the cost of moving (obviously not true as they are nearly mortgage-free) and somehow unethical as they would be “elbowing out” another family who can’t “afford” private school (although it’s questionable at this point whether they truly can afford private school themselves).

The husband is verbally abusive, that’s unquestionable but the OP does not seem to recognise that her own ungrounded views and failure to engage with reality are also contributing to the toxic dynamic.

Oh OP you are being abused and nothing will get better until you are as far away from this man as possible. Please get help.

This is incredibly and unnecessarily nasty.

If your marriage is making you want to walk into the sea then divorce would be the best option.

He's verbally abusive, you need to contact Women's aid.

@Winter2020 Your post doesn’t really merit a response. But I will point out that 60k is more likely to be 2 sets of school fees if OP is in London.

And then we come to the fact that you’re more concerned with DH’s breakdown than OP’s. Why try to excuse his abuse and twist OP into the aggressor?

It is clear that both partners made a decision to privately educate and that they have discussed state 6th form. The argument against that at the moment is poor local state schools and some degree of resistance to the private school exodus since VAT increase.

It’s understandable for OP to be concerned about her DC having to change schools at the same time as their parents splitting and were her kids in the state sector no-one would think that unreasonable.

On divorce DH would have more rather than less money to pay for fees as he would be running a smaller household. But I think he is most likely to stop. Angry men only get angrier on divorce.

It's 2 children and OP says they can go to state from 6th form. Not sure how old they are.
I agree maybe best they go to state. They don't seem to be learning any manners from their current school.

Of course it's understandable that OP doesn't want to move the kids schools. In which case she needs to put her money where her mouth is and get a job. And if she can't get a 100k desk job then she needs to get any job. My impression is that OP believes she is too good for care work/supermarket work etc while she puts pressure on her depressed and burnt out husband.

Yes OP is feeling like shit and I am sorry about that. I expect working will actually make her feel a lot better about herself.

Of course that’s your impression as your perspective is fuelled by resentment and apologia for an abuser.

My impression is that OP is under pressure to get a well paying job otherwise DH will use that another stick to beat her with as a general failure and accuse her of not contributing enough. It also makes more sense to go back into a sector she has experience of than one she does not.

I’m sorry, I don’t think you are sorry.

That is unacceptable behaviour from him, you don't have to put up with it. It seems like there is no way forwards in the relationship. Think of yourself, and the example its setting for your kids. Is that what you want them to see? You don't need to live like that.

Really hope you find a way forwards to help get some self confidence back, and find some fun and joy back in your life.