DH’s contempt at my lack of job

[Clawsible]

I need to preface this by saying I know I’m viewed as lucky because I’m not working and we can survive on one very large salary.

But it is not all it seems. The contempt I now have from DH is off the scale and it’s infecting the DC. We both come from poor backgrounds and feel utterly broke once tax comes out and the huge school bills are paid. I feel terrible for saying this as I know families out there are relying on food banks.

This is a long one but I don’t want to drip feed. My confidence is in pieces. I know I’m viewed as a worthless person. Not only am I not working after being pretty good at what I do but I’m also absolutely terrible around the house so can’t even claim to be a housewife. Possibly ADHD masking for years. I can’t follow instructions but somehow got straight As at school when I stayed up all night cramming having zoned out during lessons…

I’ve had very fleeting thoughts about walking away - possibly into the sea somewhere - life as I know it is over. My confidence has always been low which is how people with arguably less talent (ok so maybe it’s not THAT low?!) have leapfrogged me career wise.

DH and I have been together since I was at uni. He is five years older and has always worked. We are now pushing 50 and 55 with two young teen DCs.

I was always ambitious and did well to secure work in a very competitive field as an outsider (not wanting to go into details as quite outing) but did not land well paid roles until about 7 years ago when I used transferable skills to go into a better paid field. I’ve had several blips - two redundancies including one in new career. DH has remained steady and now earns about £250k (including bonus).

DH has stayed in the same sort of role but climbed his way up. He’s now hit a ceiling on pay and possibly promotions. He is very keen to retire and feels burnt out and trapped due to school fees and future uni costs. Yes I know it is a luxury but DC thriving and our catchment schools are simply not good enough. Moving would cost more in upfront costs which we can’t finance.

When my last contract ended, (I can’t believe it but 20 months ago!!) we agreed I would take my time to get a really good role. So many jobs were around. Then the job market tanked the summer before last and the roles I interviewed for dried up. I had some freelance work but not enough and that has now been largely taken I think thanks to AI and firms not having budgets.

Perimenopause also hit hard and I had zero energy and felt very off my game. I’m now better on that front I think and ready to work properly.

I’ve only had a handful of interviews and have not secured work. I’ve been prepared to take significant pay cuts. Some hiring managers have noted my experience very positively but are bewildered as to why I have wanted those particular roles.

I am now facing ageism inadvertently perhaps but it’s there. Meanwhile DH said last week this was unacceptable and he will want a divorce. He thinks I’m a shit parent and shit around the house and the DC hate my cooking. They also undermine me to DH when I annoy them, so it is becoming a toxic cycle.

I very much want to get a kick ass job now to pay the bills but also to contribute as much as I can to my own savings and investments so I can have an escape plan if needed.

I said we feel broke but obviously are doing way better than 95% of households. I shop at Aldi anyway @Shittyyear2025 About 60k of the after tax salary does go on school fees. The huge salary is cut in half because you rightly lose your personal tax allowance etc. Some on the mortgage. Some on pension and way too much on the DC hobbies. My clothing is from Tu.

Growing up poor initially makes you appreciate your luck when you have high income but it’s a bit like losing weight when you have been fat all your life: you don’t quite believe your new circumstances.

Agree you might have depression.

His attitude isnt nice at all, but, gently, I can see how resentment has crept in, especially if you're not able to do a lot in the home to contribute more than you are doing.

Im the far higher earner out of me and DP. Hes not useless around the house but can be generally in a lot of things. It does boil my piss sometimes when he gets home after his low stress job and just potters about happy as Larry while im coming down off yet another stressful day in a job I can't leave because we need my higher income.

Id start by seeing your gp. Hope you get sorted and brighter days are ahead for you.

What do you actually want @Clawsible? Not, what you need, not what your husband wants but what do you want your life to look like if you could have absolutely free choice? Because there is a lot of description of action in your posts but no direction.

And tell your spouse that the food she prepared for a dinner party was terrible?

Blame her for that fact that THEIR child didn't get a place at the school he wanted.

Wants a divorce because she hasn't been able to find the right job when her mental health is in bits.

Honestly, I completely understand a spouse who is feeling financial pressure but these things that he has said are really nasty.

I think if this was a woman writing that her DH hadn’t worked in almost 2 years while not bothering to keep on top of the house, she’d be told he was a cocklodger who was monumentally taking the piss out of her.

That being said, if you genuinely think you have undiagnosed ADHD then go to your GP and ask for an assessment under Right to Choose.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

What do you want to teach the kids about relationships and what are they learning here from you both?.

I wonder what these children think of their father?
They like you are likely to be fearful of him and are also treading on eggshells in some vain attempt to not set him off. They see how you as their mother are treated all too clearly and currently at least this is acceptable to you in their eyes.

You grew up in a household where you saw domestic violence from a parent. That sort of abuse damages boundaries and your now h is doing very similar behaviour to you and in turn the dc now.

I would giver him what he wants ie a divorce and you can then live an abuse free like without his malign presence in it day to day. You have a choice re him, the kids do not.

Stop manifesting and start doing. Plan your exit here from this godawful marriage with due care. The kids as well likely side with dad because they do not want to be bullied themselves.

@WannabeMathematician That’s an interesting question and I think I’ve been quite stuck. Top priority is to see DC through school - which could mean a change to state sixth form as there are more options then. Or it could mean sticking with current schools if the stability trumps other issues.

I wanted some autonomy which is why I went down the freelance route but I realise it’s not actually that ‘free’.

If there were no bills to cover I would want some element of creativity and recognition.

Your dh is your issue. Yes if you want to work and need to work and can’t find work that’s a problem, of course. But your dh is eating away at your self esteem and sense of self worth. If you’re not good at cooking and can’t keep a clean house who cares? Not everyone is good at everything and if it doesn’t bother you then that’s fine. No one is starving or going to die because the house isn’t tidy. If you and your dh separated you’d be able to live exactly how you want; mess and all.

He sounds absolutely horrible and I'm not surprised you are feeling low from the combination of genuine challenges around work plus your husband's active contempt.

How would you feel about divorce? Can you try to build a picture in your head of what a good outcome and happy future looks like - does it involve your husband? In your shoes I would struggle to come back from this- even if you get a job you will always remember his behaviour.

How many years more of school to go for your DC? How viable would it be to keep them at school if you split?

I can understand the thought of splitting up is unthinkable now, for all sorts of reasons, but think about the effect on your children of seeing their mother being belittled and and cowed by their angry father.

I can (almost) guarantee that even you got a job with an acceptable salary his attitude will not change. And I can also (almost) guarantee that some future version of me with be dealing with the fall out in 20/30 years time.

You feel terrible because you have a terrible husband who enjoys tearing you down. And who has taught your kids to disrespect you in turn.

Divorce would probably be better for your MH than any amount of therapy.

He has made clear he wouldn’t be the one moving out as he feels his higher wage has paid for the house even when I was working fulltime. Yes I’ve looked at the financial settlements and would do OK. I suspect he would threaten to pull the D.C. out of their schools which would devastate them as those are their happy places probably more so than home.

I think he’s been depressed or depressed for years. He had a very dysfunctional childhood. He is furious about it without admitting it and resentful that our DC have opportunities he could only dream about.

He is highly critical of both DC but his own educational record was terrible in comparison. He is not very present when he is there.

I agree, he’s been very nasty. But, if it was a woman posting saying she was working, husband hadn’t had a job for close to 2 years and also wasn’t looking after the house because he was terrible at it and he suspected he had ADHD but hadn’t sought diagnosis or treatment? The cries of “cocklodger” and LTB would be universal.

One 250K salary is not enough to put 2 kids through private school. You need to go down the state sixth form route. Particularly when you need to fund 2 households after the divorce that you also need to get.

What is it you want to hear? This is all about poor you poor you, if your husband left i bet you would do the housework then, you dont seem to care about him or the kids, you are playing the victim and hes had enough, hes telling you hes at burnout and your answer is oh but no i cant, it also sounds like you dont want to be an adult, well join the club coz most of us dont want to do adulting either

He wouldn't get to decide who stays in the house in a divorce.

He can say whatever he likes, doesn't make it true.

My ExH earned a lot more than that and he constantly felt like he didn’t have enough money.

he worked in an industry that was both very well paid and interacted with very rich people and he was constantly comparing to people who had much more money than he did.

he felt broke because he didn’t have a London flat and a house outside London. He felt broke because his boss owned a chalet in Chamonix and we didn’t.

you can feel broke at all levels of income. It’s not about reality it’s about who you compare yourself to.

Well, I think you’re underestimating how exhausted your DH sounds. If you’re at home and not doing paid work why can’t you get your act together to do cooking and housework. They’re hardly rocket science.

It would help both of you if the home environment is calm and clean and you all feel looked after.

Your DH is looking after you by doing a job which - at that salary - will be very demanding and exhausting. What are you doing to look after him?

I’ve never not worked but then I have no high earning husband to fall back upon. I’ve done the high earning jobs and been shattered and stressed. I think you need to show a bit more willing at getting some kind of work - or stepping up to run the house well. Iif you’ve been successful in other areas running a house is easy - I mean, most of us do it alongside demanding jobs!

It is difficult for women in middle age and out of work to get back in the game. You and your DH need to recognise this and look upon you getting work as a team effort. But you need to contribute as well as you can - and at the moment, that is by running the house so you are all looked after.

Part of the team work you and your DH need to do is to recognise that he’s burnt out, and you’re having difficulty stepping up.

The more you say the worse he sounds.

It sounds like the key issue is the school. How many years until they could move to sixth form? Although a court might require him to pay school fees in theory, on his level of income it's quite likely that they wouldn't.

How much equity is there in the house and how much would you each need for your own place?

It really sounds as if the marriage is over and the only questions are around how to end it with minimal disruption to your children.

If it's not practical to return to your old career, have you thought about other options? I think some work would really help you both practically and in terms of confidence.

Also, doesn't it hurt your heart to say that home is not their happy place?

If you split up from him, your home without him could be their emotionally safe and happy place.

Wouldn't that be better than it being school?

So when you were working, you still only got properly paid for seven years of that and the rest of the time you worked for very little but it was an area you liked so he carried the load? But that included several redundancies and now you've had two years of doing nothing? I'd divorce you as well.

He can make things as clear as he wants, the law will make it fair, not 'clear'.

OP, you need to stand up for yourself and your children. See a lawyer. Decide what's best for YOU and your responsibility to your children.

If he is damaged or unhappy then he can resolve that, or at least attempt to, with therapy. At the moment you are both suffering and this will ripple out to engulf your children. As him if he's aware of this.

It’s not down to him to decide that he’s not the one moving out. I’d like to know what your solicitor would say to him telling you this. He is no longer your friend and is out for his own self only. He really does not care for his kids either. The two of you should no longer be together. He probably wants you to start proceedings so he can go around saying oh she left me and making you out to be the bad person here. And go not g as bf on until they have finished school/ exams etc, those can be retaken and school anyway is not the be all and end all. Also if their happy place is school now rather than home he should be hanging his head in shame. But he is not and he won’t. Many people have depression / anxiety etc and poor upbringings but there is really no justification for how you and in turn the dc are being treated by him,

How old are your DC @Clawsible? How long are you tied into school fees?

I feel for both of you tbh. You're in a difficult position and so is he. I agree he could be nicer about it though.