DH’s contempt at my lack of job

[Clawsible]

I need to preface this by saying I know I’m viewed as lucky because I’m not working and we can survive on one very large salary.

But it is not all it seems. The contempt I now have from DH is off the scale and it’s infecting the DC. We both come from poor backgrounds and feel utterly broke once tax comes out and the huge school bills are paid. I feel terrible for saying this as I know families out there are relying on food banks.

This is a long one but I don’t want to drip feed. My confidence is in pieces. I know I’m viewed as a worthless person. Not only am I not working after being pretty good at what I do but I’m also absolutely terrible around the house so can’t even claim to be a housewife. Possibly ADHD masking for years. I can’t follow instructions but somehow got straight As at school when I stayed up all night cramming having zoned out during lessons…

I’ve had very fleeting thoughts about walking away - possibly into the sea somewhere - life as I know it is over. My confidence has always been low which is how people with arguably less talent (ok so maybe it’s not THAT low?!) have leapfrogged me career wise.

DH and I have been together since I was at uni. He is five years older and has always worked. We are now pushing 50 and 55 with two young teen DCs.

I was always ambitious and did well to secure work in a very competitive field as an outsider (not wanting to go into details as quite outing) but did not land well paid roles until about 7 years ago when I used transferable skills to go into a better paid field. I’ve had several blips - two redundancies including one in new career. DH has remained steady and now earns about £250k (including bonus).

DH has stayed in the same sort of role but climbed his way up. He’s now hit a ceiling on pay and possibly promotions. He is very keen to retire and feels burnt out and trapped due to school fees and future uni costs. Yes I know it is a luxury but DC thriving and our catchment schools are simply not good enough. Moving would cost more in upfront costs which we can’t finance.

When my last contract ended, (I can’t believe it but 20 months ago!!) we agreed I would take my time to get a really good role. So many jobs were around. Then the job market tanked the summer before last and the roles I interviewed for dried up. I had some freelance work but not enough and that has now been largely taken I think thanks to AI and firms not having budgets.

Perimenopause also hit hard and I had zero energy and felt very off my game. I’m now better on that front I think and ready to work properly.

I’ve only had a handful of interviews and have not secured work. I’ve been prepared to take significant pay cuts. Some hiring managers have noted my experience very positively but are bewildered as to why I have wanted those particular roles.

I am now facing ageism inadvertently perhaps but it’s there. Meanwhile DH said last week this was unacceptable and he will want a divorce. He thinks I’m a shit parent and shit around the house and the DC hate my cooking. They also undermine me to DH when I annoy them, so it is becoming a toxic cycle.

I very much want to get a kick ass job now to pay the bills but also to contribute as much as I can to my own savings and investments so I can have an escape plan if needed.

Op, are you ok?

I don't usually think there is much value in pointing out the gender reversal but with the roles the other way round the replies would be going ballistic.

If the OP posted I'm depressed and burnt out working a 250k job while my partner hasn't worked for over a year and isn't widening their job search. My partner insists local schools aren't good enough and the kids must stay in private school. I've asked for a divorce which they won't agree to because they know a financial settlement won't force me to pay 60 of my 130k take home on private school fees as this just won't be feasible while paying for 2 homes. Help me I'm trapped.

You are wrong that I am bitter or nasty. I very much hope things improve for the OP and her husband.

I could easy post OP your partner sounds mean and you sound lovely. LTB - but there is literally no value in it. OP won't leave her husband as she wants him to pay the school fees and has no means of supporting herself. So OP needs to make a change. That change could be:
Getting a well paid job - yay
Getting a low paid job and doing loads of overtime
Sending the kids to state schools with or without moving house/getting a mortgage
Get a divorce, buy or rent as cheaply as possible and try to use equity to keep the kids in private school until a natural transition point/year end.

What I wouldn't recommend is keeping things as they are and waiting/scraping by while both OPs and her husbands mental health and relationship worsens. If they make a big change I believe things can only get better.

Hi thanks so much for your messages. I was feeling super low yesterday so may have seemed a bit hysterical. I think I will redo the tests and see if HRT is needed or something else to keep elevated cortisol in check.

In an ideal world we wouldn’t get divorced as DH wouldn’t speak to me like this and then it wouldn’t have the knock on effect on the DC. And it goes without saying that in an ideal world I would have a job.

Those implying I’ve always been a slacker or unambitious:
My first career wasn’t amazingly paid but when I left I was earning in the high 50s. This then almost doubled in my next few roles. I have always worked fulltime except for six months maternity leave with each child and redundancies.

I was the one doing longer hours with a job that was deemed serious and challenging and in a mega competitive field, just not mega paid. He is in a highly paid sector where even junior people started on 50k. He is good at what he does but there are many mediocre people earning six figures or close to that would earn a lot less doing the same jobs in different sectors. He is very driven by security and had a chance to change roles when I started earning more but didn’t.

I guess he started to get bitter a few years ago when he was forced to put women up for promotion to meet DEI goals ahead of nearly all men. He said many were at best average. I pointed out that he had complained about working under very average men for some time.

I guess I’m raging about the state of the world and the misogyny that we all accept in the work place and sadly sometimes at home.

The high earning household thing and my commitment to DCs schools are divisive for many. If the DC were unhappy I would
100% pull them out but you move happy teens from their schools and friends at your peril - regardless of which sector that is in. I have been approached for lucrative roles abroad but couldn’t take them due to DH and DC.

Im glad you’re not feeling so low today OP.

I do agree that showing your kids one partner cannot speak to another like he does is a key consideration. His behaviour affects everyone not just you.

Where I have to disagree is that moving your kids from private to state is inherently a disaster. I know kids who have done it and thrived, but they all moved to grammar schools. A fair few got more uni offers than the friends they left behind on comparable results.

In your position I would strongly consider north Kent as it’s commutable distance to London and Kent has Skinners, Judd for boys, TOGS, Tunbridge Wells for girls as well as Sevenoaks & Weald.

But that’s not to say you couldn’t get them into one of the London grammars.

Consider this: Why is the value of you both tied so much to how much you earn and do? Don't you deserve to be loved and respected just as you are? As long as how you are and live doesn't hurt other people, you love your children, and try to raise them to be respectful human beings, that is enough! Yes, no one can live in filth and bills need to be paid but there are people out there managing on very little with modest homes. Is it always easy? No. But would you say your situation is easy either?

Something else to think about: What if you got sick and could never work again? What if HE got sick? What if money was taken out of the picture? Who are you as people - as a couple? How well do you really know your kids (him in particular) or each other? When was the last time you had a heart to heart? How are you managing your own trauma and mental health to ensure the kids come first?

Ultimately, your home should be a safe haven where you shut out the world, can't wait to spend time with your partner, find their presence comforting and supportive, can negotiate, disagree safely, and find solutions together. Somewhere where your kids gravitate to and feel safe and loved and witness respect between their parents. What they see at home is what will present again later on - in their own relationships, with their own kids.

Salaries, jobs, private schools and the desired show home managed by a domestic goddess are just luxuries and don't make a marriage. They are nice to have but here it sounds like they've become the meaning of life. You, as people, are more important. It sounds like his whole value is tied to what he does and how he looks to the rest of the world. He must feel absolutely miserable inside and he's taking it out on you. But there is another way to be. He needs to slow down first to accept that first.

Maybe you should consider a job abroad
Perhaps a break from DH and Dc would do you good?
Could you get a short contract? Three months, maybe?

Be interesting to see how DH would manage.

You’re right there’s no value in a gender reversal here.

From OP’s posts she’s pulling her weight at home: shopping, cooking, cleaning, child ferrying, admin, voluntary work, job applications etc; whereas men on MN who are made redundant they literally sit at home and do fuck all because they didn’t consider wifework their role. Women on here complaining DH is doing nothing literally mean nothing at all.

If the roles were reversed I would say DH is pulling his weight at home and it is very difficult to get new jobs in your 50s. I’d suggest he accesses some free NHS therapy to work on his confidence as that may affect his performance at interview.

In any case, it transpires OP was working longer hours than her DH and you can bet it was she who organised social events, birthday parties, presents, Christmas, dentist, doctor etc - so she has as much if not greater claim to “burnout”.

Finally, this cock-eyed obsession that private school is driven by OP. It is not: both made that choice. OP is simply concerned about the impact on her kids. if she makes the decision to leave she will feel responsible from uprooting them from their school and friends. MN generally advises trying to keep kids at the same school on divorce if they are happy there Sometimes, though that’s not possible.

no value in gender reversal as it reveals an uncomfortable truth, and even she says she’s not pulling her weight at home.

I agree re moving children out of any school that they are happy in. And parents on MN have pondered about moving their children from 'bad' schools to better ones and been advised not to if their children are happy where they are.

I've just started to work PT again after being a SAHM for years and DH is grumpy about me working because we now have to organize occasional childcare for our children!!! I know, he's nutty and I've had words that this is how most families function in the real world.

But I'm using this to illustrate that I think your DH is being far too harsh on you for having this spell of unemployment, given his income. C'est la vie. If you were long term unemployed with no children to look after then fair enough, but this is not the case here.

You need to fight your corner more.

'Some verbatim quotes from DH: Your mother is useless.
Your mother is lazy.
Are you too thick to work this out?
You are a waste of space.
You’re a cunt.
Why hasn’t your useless mother made sure you have tidied your room/finished your homework/found your uniform.

And your children are picking up on this behaviour: 'cook me X/ I told you I didn't want X'

I guess I’m raging about the state of the world and the misogyny that we all accept in the work place and sadly sometimes at home.'

I don't accept it and it's not the state of the world you should be raging at, it's your horrible abusive husband. And his behaviour is already rubbing off on your children.

I hope you can find a way out for yourself and your children.

On the contrary. as summarised in my post, she’s absolutely pulling her weight. But only securing herself a 6 figure salary will keep her DH happy. She may not clean to the degree her DH likes but he can pay for it if he’s that bothered, that’s what I do.

It’s clear DH did not pull his weight with the kids when they were both working FT.

Agree with Ophelia’s wise post. Your relationship is so literal and transactional.

Also whatever the earning situation him speaking to you like that and modelling that contempt for you to your teens is absolutely insupportable. You can’t carry on like that it’s so damaging for everyone.

Hi OP
I have read most of these posts and some have some really brilliant advice for you, but I wanted to add my two pence here, as someone who has also been made redundant and always earned good money too etc
1 - Please do not allow anyone, including your teenagers, to speak to you with disrespect. It's unacceptable.
2 - Your teenagers should be doing the cooking sometimes, as well as housework - this isn't about mother or father working or not working; it's an invaluable life skill and also whether your mother or father are working or not they shouldn't be your skivvy. They should be contributing fairly and equitably to the household - including cooking.
3 - It isn't as easy as some make out to reverse/change/family dynamics. My husband and I are a little older than you (54 and 61) and we've both been through redundancies, maternity leaves, and other various life events when one partner has been out of work - however we have stuck to the same routine we've always had, equally sharing the housework/tasks/life admin. Although if we are really objective, even though I have had more senior roles in the last 7 years I have carried the mental load and done way more. It's what works in your marriage - and you don't suddenly change after decades.
4 - 250k and nearly 1 million pension - contrary to what some say on here, it makes total sense to me, as your DH won't have been earning that from day 1 and the bonus often isn't pensionable - depends on company policy (ours for example wasn't). School fees are now huge, Eton is 60k per year, so on a 250k a year which after tax is probably 125 and after pensions 100, 2 sets of school fees at boarding school would bankrupt you - I know because I've been there myself
5 - It sounds like you have contributed well and have managed things well between you but if your husband has become abusive, this has nothing to do with you not finding a job. Even if he is stressed out/dissatisfied with the situation, he shouldn't be abusive. You need to tackle that.
6 - I completely empathise, the market is horrendous. People saying "just get a job" don't have a clue - obviously haven't been there themselves in the last 12 months. It wasn't like this even 3 years ago.
7 - As a couple you should be looking at this together and finding ways forward - moving your kids schools or selling the house or whatever is reasonable in your circumstances - he needs to understand that abusing you isn't going to help you find a job any quicker.

You have all my sympathies - I hope you can find the strength to sort it all out.

Yes. I am an emoji addict, this is indeed true.
💯 😆 👀

Agree with others, people saying just get any job - that isn’t easy at all. I’m trying that and not getting shop jobs never mind in my profession. It’s the worst market ever and it’s not easing…my partner is supportive in the main but am I an emotional wreck after so many rejections. I can see how you are in the place you are in mentally.

Look after yourself and don’t let others knock you it’s tough enough without that.

For me "get any job" isn't so much "it is easy to get a job" it is more "don't despise any job". You seem to set very high expectations and feel as if you have failed if you don't meet them, if you take a job that isn't "good enough" or doesn't "pay enough", if you don't keep the house clean enough, or if you don't keep your children in the "right" school, then you have failed at work or housework or educatinmg your children.

And I get the impression that you are also very much driven by other people's expectations, you are desperate to satisfy them, and you are totally vulnerable to any hint that what you do isn't good enough. Your husband's bullying must be making you feel paralysed because somewhere inside you know that nothing you can do will satisfy him when he is that mood.

It is hard to tell how much of this is your own personality, how much is your husband's criticism, and how much is a hangover from your family. But it would be good if you could let go of these expectations and find a way to be, well, easier on yourself.

Sorry but I think it’s reasonable for a high earner in their 50s who is presumably skilled to command a good salary to baulk at taking a menial job as a care worker. Seem to be a few posters rubbing their hands with glee at this scenario.

Nobody should baulk at any job if it's their only option.

I just wanted to say that when I read the first post, it really sounded like I could have written it, except that my husband isn't quite like that. While he is resentful that I don't earn, he realises that some of it is due to our joint (actually, mainly his) decisions, so no name-calling or cooking criticism here, at least, but not much understanding either.

I was also floored by how my ADHD spiked when I hit perimenopause. Unless you've experienced it, it is so hard to explain how paralysed, pathetic and incapable of action it makes you feel. For me, it's as if lifelong masking has finally caught up with me, and I am just unable to focus. Combined with the job market being incredibly tough, the quiet ageism and sexism, the AI bloodbath and being permanently tired, I am feeling pretty hopeless about securing a job right now. And I was a high-rate taxpayer as well.

So, this is in support of OP - she is not a female equivalent of a cocklodger, she is probably using up all her strength to function every day, be the mum she needs to be and not fall apart in a spectacular fashion. I certainly am, and my husband is not a dick!

Shocking.
Almost makes me wonder if he’s actually enjoying the whole situation. Finally, he can bully you openly, as much as he wants to. He thinks you’re trapped.

If the OP could command a good salary using her skills of course that is preferable - but she hasn't had any salary for over a year.

My Dad was always an engineer since he did his apprenticeship at 14. When I was a teenager he was threatened with redundancy. I was worried particularly as I had a horse who was my world and I was worried we would have to sell him. The horse was kept at a local farm for a weekly fee we didn't have land or anything like that. I told my dad I was worried and he said "Your horse will be the last thing to go - I'll take a job cleaning public toilets if I need to". And he meant every word.

There is no shame in an honest days work and a lot to be admired for stepping up for your family and doing whatever you need yo do to look after them. I'd do any honest days work to look after my family.

My husband had a stress related breakdown more than a decade ago now. I'd do anything to not let that happen again. I have 2 kids very happy in school and I'd never want to move them but if it was a choice between my husband having another breakdown or them moving schools I'd move them tomorrow. Worst time of my life.

Take a deep breath and pause. You don’t need to justify yourself to us. You do contribute to the family and home. Your DH has unfortunately (possibly not deliberately), managed to hit you where it hurts and destroy more of your self belief. He could do that because that was where you were vulnerable and now you have reinforced that image of yourself.
It isn’t easy but you need to try to stop using up the bandwidth in your brain on looking back and look forward, evaluate where you would like to be. Work out how that would be achieved.
If any of the contacts you have been offered abroad are short I would really think about taking it. You being away might make your DH realise all you do, you would get a much needed change of scenery and time to think, your children would survive.
I hope you find a way to get through this.

@faerylights it isn’t the only option though - her H is on £250k - the other option is cutting their costs signicantly if it’s unmanageable . It’s not as if the OP has sat on her backside for years-she contributed for very many years with well paying corporate jobs - I know OP doesn’t want to take the teens out of private school , but that’s a way of cutting costs very very quickly, they do have options, she just doesn’t like the options. - I also OP would look at your other costs if your mortgage is not that high . Even allowing for schools costs that’s still around £80k after tax going somewhere ( £6-7k a month) - is he sticking loads of it away in pension/ISAs , do you have big debt, big car leases etc ? ? If so all that needs to come down considerably to give ‘you’ money to actually ‘live’ . If he won’t then I would be divorcing - you will be fine. To be honest I would be divorcing anyway due to him being an offensive critical oaf !! Some People seem to delight in telling the OP she has to go and do any old thing , is this some kind of jealousy because they are a family with a high income , because in all fairness it’s not as if they have ‘no income’- I wonder if people would be as harsh to a family with mum at home on husbands income of £65k struggling to get a job, or not even looking or doing 15 hours a week part time - probably not

I guess I’m raging about the state of the world and the misogyny that we all accept in the work place and sadly sometimes at home.

Be honest and speak for yourself. "We all". No. We don't all. Not at home. And there is misogyny in the workplace but it is not the only thing out there either. There is fairness, and kindness, and feminism too. As you rightly observed there as many mediocre male bosses as female ones. It is your husband who refuses to accept that.

You are seeing nothing but misogyny because you are spending your life with a man who - among his other abusive traits - is misogynist. It is safer to rage at the state of the world than to face the decisions that only you can make. Your whole world is seen through the lens that you are your husband's wife. That could change.

In an ideal world we wouldn’t get divorced as DH wouldn’t speak to me like this and then it wouldn’t have the knock on effect on the DC.

And in the real world? The world where you can't just go get a job that satisfies your husband's expectations and your husband feels 100% free to speak to you however he likes? That's the real world you live in.

Beautifully put - and it’s very true - when I moved away from my midlands mining town home town , I was suprised at how many more men didn’t think it was ok to still go down the pub 4 nights a week with mates, expect dinner on the table pronto or didn’t speak to their wives like some kind of housekeeper/on tap sex worker . I’m not saying this behaviour doesn’t happen across all incomes and classes, it quite clearly does, but I certainly experienced far more of it in my working class town and at the time thought it was ‘just how things were’ -I’m more interested in what’s happening with the rest of their cash ( even allowing for school fees- which personally I don’t think they can afford) as whilst they wouldn’t be loaded I can’t quite see why it’s so tight for OP - I would be concerned that he’s squirreling away a lot on the side because it doesn’t sound to me as if he likes OP much or has any respect for her