DH’s contempt at my lack of job

[Clawsible]

I need to preface this by saying I know I’m viewed as lucky because I’m not working and we can survive on one very large salary.

But it is not all it seems. The contempt I now have from DH is off the scale and it’s infecting the DC. We both come from poor backgrounds and feel utterly broke once tax comes out and the huge school bills are paid. I feel terrible for saying this as I know families out there are relying on food banks.

This is a long one but I don’t want to drip feed. My confidence is in pieces. I know I’m viewed as a worthless person. Not only am I not working after being pretty good at what I do but I’m also absolutely terrible around the house so can’t even claim to be a housewife. Possibly ADHD masking for years. I can’t follow instructions but somehow got straight As at school when I stayed up all night cramming having zoned out during lessons…

I’ve had very fleeting thoughts about walking away - possibly into the sea somewhere - life as I know it is over. My confidence has always been low which is how people with arguably less talent (ok so maybe it’s not THAT low?!) have leapfrogged me career wise.

DH and I have been together since I was at uni. He is five years older and has always worked. We are now pushing 50 and 55 with two young teen DCs.

I was always ambitious and did well to secure work in a very competitive field as an outsider (not wanting to go into details as quite outing) but did not land well paid roles until about 7 years ago when I used transferable skills to go into a better paid field. I’ve had several blips - two redundancies including one in new career. DH has remained steady and now earns about £250k (including bonus).

DH has stayed in the same sort of role but climbed his way up. He’s now hit a ceiling on pay and possibly promotions. He is very keen to retire and feels burnt out and trapped due to school fees and future uni costs. Yes I know it is a luxury but DC thriving and our catchment schools are simply not good enough. Moving would cost more in upfront costs which we can’t finance.

When my last contract ended, (I can’t believe it but 20 months ago!!) we agreed I would take my time to get a really good role. So many jobs were around. Then the job market tanked the summer before last and the roles I interviewed for dried up. I had some freelance work but not enough and that has now been largely taken I think thanks to AI and firms not having budgets.

Perimenopause also hit hard and I had zero energy and felt very off my game. I’m now better on that front I think and ready to work properly.

I’ve only had a handful of interviews and have not secured work. I’ve been prepared to take significant pay cuts. Some hiring managers have noted my experience very positively but are bewildered as to why I have wanted those particular roles.

I am now facing ageism inadvertently perhaps but it’s there. Meanwhile DH said last week this was unacceptable and he will want a divorce. He thinks I’m a shit parent and shit around the house and the DC hate my cooking. They also undermine me to DH when I annoy them, so it is becoming a toxic cycle.

I very much want to get a kick ass job now to pay the bills but also to contribute as much as I can to my own savings and investments so I can have an escape plan if needed.

And if said in front of the children, child abuse too.

I am sorry, but I am not sure how this is helpful to the OP, who is clearly struggling with both at-home and external pressures, on top of potential health issues.

I am pretty sure she is well aware that much of her current situation is a consequence of her personal decisions. But by implying that this is somehow her fault for choosing this as her reality, you are probably making her feel even more shit about the situation.

She is bloody trying, and it's hard, and the job market is shit. And yep, taking any minimal wage job (even if she could easily walk into one, which I doubt, by the way) is not going to actually help.

The husband is clearly a problem, but to move on, the OP needs to rebuild her sense of worth and confidence, and that is not easy.

By the way, I think a lot of posters here are blind to the very subtle abuse that is happening in the middle class/well-to-do families.

I've seen terrible examples of financial control that are very difficult to escape. It often starts very innocently, mainly with women (though men sometimes) taking time off to support their spouses' careers (travel, late nights, etc.) to avoid disadvantaging the kids. Over time, earning parity is lost, dependency grows, and the power imbalance becomes entrenched.

💯

can you imagine the personal attacks if this were being posted about an out of work (male) cock lodger?

I am sorry if I worded it too harshly. I am not blaming her. What I am trying to get across is that just being with her husband and under his influence has been twisting the OP's worldview and I am not convinced that it's helpful to normalise the view that all roads out are closed to her. I don't know if a low-paid job would help her or not but whatever financial support she gets from her husband right now is coming at a terrible price to her confidence and self-worth.

Btw OP if you’re still there. From a purely strategic pov - the time to divorce DH is when you’re jobless as you will get a better settlement. Courts will take into consideration the fact you’ve been looking for 2 years and they’re aware of the difficulty for both men and women of finding new jobs in your 50s.

What struck me most having read your post OP is that you and DH don’t seem like a team?
I don’t like that he treats you with contempt. No matter what. You have worked most of your adult life and for various reasons aren’t working now - but he is treating you with contempt. That's not fair. I work full time, always have and usually juggle a part time job (online lecturing in the evenings) and I do 95% of the house and three kids. However, DH also works f/t and p/t and doesn’t question a penny I spend or decision I make. It wouldn’t work for others, but it works for us. I

I suppose what worried me about your post was the way your husband makes you feel. That is unacceptable. You ARE contributing in a very big way in terms of the DC and the house and cooking etc. I’m going to be honest - He sounds not nice. You deserve better. Have you tried sitting down with him and laying out the options?

Aluna makes a good point!

The OP pays 12k each year into an ISA accounting for some of it. I think perhaps the OP rather than her husband manages the money. Perhaps she can clarify this.

@Clawsible the thing is, like the school fees, paying 1000 a month into an iSA is a choice you are making , you are effectively sacrificing your ‘today ‘ for jam tomorrow - There is a happy medium to be had here - pay £500 in and have £500 extra for things you need - it isn’t that you don’t have enough Asa family, it’s that you are making choices that are making it tight . It’s difficult to feel sympathy , especially when you’ve virtually paid your house off too . It’s bit poor me,,whilst being very well off by most peoples level . This in my opinion is a totally separate issue to your H being a total arse to which I have a lot of empathy with - your finances- ? not so much so

The latest comment is that he wants to find someone who is a better influence on his children than me…

Please leave this awful man. You don't deserve this.

OP, you have yourself an A-grade underminer.

Interesting that your DS tells you how much he values your relationship, but your ‘D’H reckons you are a bad influence who needs to be replaced.

I wonder what influence he wants to bring in, given his illuminati reading material.

You may want to start a new thread about how to leave this awful man. The divorce board here is very helpful and less combative than this one.

@PerformativeBewilderment That is an apt description. I am just in shock after nearly 30 years and having been through the sleepless nights etc with younger DC and now out the other side, why now? Approaching a milestone anniversary and I’m weeks away from a big birthday. It’s so depressing.

Everything is my fault apparently. DC refusing to do homework or clean their rooms? It’s my fault as I set a bad example… All this said in front of DC.

Your DC refusing basic stuff is on them. Or on him, because they are learning contempt from him.
I am crap at housework myself and worse now in menopause- I left the frig door open recently- but DH takes it up nicely with me, not in front of the kids. Because we are all human. Not robots.

Fuck him, file for divorce he is emotionally abusing you & the DC. Do any of those lucrative roles abroad come with school fees for the DC?

Financially far better to divorce him now with DC than later.

I would take the role abroad and leave your family to it. They don't seem to value you.
I am the chief cook of the family during the week. Around 16, DS said he wanted a different diet as he plays sports and is a gym buff. So I suggested he cook for himself. He did. I won't tolerate any disrespect. Daily family cooking is very tough. If someone does it for you, be grateful.

Start divorce proceedings.
He is toxic and there is no way back from that.
It can only get worse for you.

Marriage is for better or worse not just when the man is getting more from it than the woman.

He's just revealed his true self and you're much better off without him.
So are your children whom he will infect if you stay.

Start collecting all documents you will need to ensure he does not screw you financially: payslips, bank account details, insurance policies, check his computer for any new bank accounts, sites he is visiting etc.

This man is also screwing around - that you can be certain of.
He's not living like a monk.

He’s already infected the DC. They both view me as ineffectual and unemployed. Understandably they have no memory of me having a very high profile career before (not famous but recognised in my field) and later a better paid but more anonymous career. I’ve always struggled with organisation and practical tasks eg arranging items nearly. I mean I can’t believe my self worth has to be measured by any of these. I was highly academic at school and always had the drive to better myself but DC don’t see that as that was in the past. I would have hoped they would have felt unconditional love from me but I’m not sure that’s recognised. I’ve had to go out to run errands as could not stand the atmosphere and the hateful tone emanating from H. I felt myself shaking. Not good.

How old are your DC? Why are you their slave? They should be helping you.

Op look he wants a divorce, it’s a deeply unhealthy and unhappy home. Thays not doing any of you any good. So just proceed with the divorce.

He is abusive and contemptuous. As others will have said.
Stop being grateful to him all the time. The high salary. The expensive schools. He has suited himself.
He doesnt treat you as a partner and friend.
Your values and personalities are misaligned.
His success is an illusion. Let him lose his secret workforce and see what happens. He will not get better.
You built this thing together. Get ducks in order. Get the divorce and take what you're owed.
And consider what job, any job, you could secure and sustain. It'll be easier without that bastard behind you, undermining you.
You dont need 6 figures for a life worth living.
Have my fingers crossed for you.

The high earning household thing and my commitment to DCs schools are divisive for many. If the DC were unhappy I would100% pull them out but you move happy teens from their schools and friends at your peril - regardless of which sector that is in. I have been approached for lucrative roles abroad but couldn’t take them due to DH and DC.

How old are you DC?
If both in their late teens, then I would be tempted to take a job abroad for a few weeks/months and leave him and the children to get on with it.

@Clawsible

I was just about to post the same - just take a job abroad if you can, DH can maintain his own high standards.

You deserve so much more.

💐