DH’s contempt at my lack of job

[Clawsible]

I need to preface this by saying I know I’m viewed as lucky because I’m not working and we can survive on one very large salary.

But it is not all it seems. The contempt I now have from DH is off the scale and it’s infecting the DC. We both come from poor backgrounds and feel utterly broke once tax comes out and the huge school bills are paid. I feel terrible for saying this as I know families out there are relying on food banks.

This is a long one but I don’t want to drip feed. My confidence is in pieces. I know I’m viewed as a worthless person. Not only am I not working after being pretty good at what I do but I’m also absolutely terrible around the house so can’t even claim to be a housewife. Possibly ADHD masking for years. I can’t follow instructions but somehow got straight As at school when I stayed up all night cramming having zoned out during lessons…

I’ve had very fleeting thoughts about walking away - possibly into the sea somewhere - life as I know it is over. My confidence has always been low which is how people with arguably less talent (ok so maybe it’s not THAT low?!) have leapfrogged me career wise.

DH and I have been together since I was at uni. He is five years older and has always worked. We are now pushing 50 and 55 with two young teen DCs.

I was always ambitious and did well to secure work in a very competitive field as an outsider (not wanting to go into details as quite outing) but did not land well paid roles until about 7 years ago when I used transferable skills to go into a better paid field. I’ve had several blips - two redundancies including one in new career. DH has remained steady and now earns about £250k (including bonus).

DH has stayed in the same sort of role but climbed his way up. He’s now hit a ceiling on pay and possibly promotions. He is very keen to retire and feels burnt out and trapped due to school fees and future uni costs. Yes I know it is a luxury but DC thriving and our catchment schools are simply not good enough. Moving would cost more in upfront costs which we can’t finance.

When my last contract ended, (I can’t believe it but 20 months ago!!) we agreed I would take my time to get a really good role. So many jobs were around. Then the job market tanked the summer before last and the roles I interviewed for dried up. I had some freelance work but not enough and that has now been largely taken I think thanks to AI and firms not having budgets.

Perimenopause also hit hard and I had zero energy and felt very off my game. I’m now better on that front I think and ready to work properly.

I’ve only had a handful of interviews and have not secured work. I’ve been prepared to take significant pay cuts. Some hiring managers have noted my experience very positively but are bewildered as to why I have wanted those particular roles.

I am now facing ageism inadvertently perhaps but it’s there. Meanwhile DH said last week this was unacceptable and he will want a divorce. He thinks I’m a shit parent and shit around the house and the DC hate my cooking. They also undermine me to DH when I annoy them, so it is becoming a toxic cycle.

I very much want to get a kick ass job now to pay the bills but also to contribute as much as I can to my own savings and investments so I can have an escape plan if needed.

There is no harm in taking the OP at face value but the potential to do a great deal of harm by being sceptical but being wrong

@CamillaMcCauley You’re not here for advice you’re just here to attack OP.

I think there's a potential to do harm in both directions actually. If op continues to feel victimised needlesly rather than working on things, that's not a good outcome either.

I mean, in this case, it does sound like a divorce is the sensible course. It's what the husband wants too.

And that needs to be spelt out for you in words of one syllable because you can’t read the situation for yourself.

Hoe about we agree to disagree on that point so you can save yourself repeating it yet again.

It's just that you and I are interpreting the situation differently.

All I can say is that the majority simply don't get it. And that's partly because the op doesn't get it fully. It's a slow drip. You need to list everything; pros cons and timelines and then the pattern appears.

Not necessarily it’s just another stick to beat her with.

Bullies like this make out their can’t stand their “useless” wives but when the useless wives file for divorce they panic and go ballistic.

Because who will they kick to make themselves feel powerful and dominant?

I don’t think you’re interpreting the situation at all.

So if he’s just addicted to beating her with imaginary sticks, why is he the one seeking to divorce?

He's on 250k but you can't afford a haircut or a new dryer? He's financially abusing you as well as emotionally. You need to get out OP

Your dh is an arse. My dh earns a similar amount and has a job with a lot of responsibility. I have always worked in education and work three days a week for a small amount of money. On the days I work, he is content to have soup or a ready meal to save me cooking and tries to do some small chores while he is working from home. That’s what a decent husband does. A married couple should be a team.

File for divorce he sounds horrendous!

I don’t think I have actually said that yet, although other posters have, and you’ve had a post deleted.

Are you on HRT?

Are you pursuing an ADHD diagnosis?

Do you think any of your kids also have ADHD? Common / likely if you do.

She’s most likely in the fog where she doesn’t even see it herself and all she knows is that she’s a shadow of her former self

Very true.

I’m not convinced the op is being abused either, he is clearly contemptuous and there is no love lost between them, but we can all pick out comments our spouses have made and it can looo like abuse. Christ I’ve said somethings when pissed off to my husband thay if he presented those few incidents you’d think I was an abuser, and we have a very happy marriage.

What is your motivation?

Honestly, why even comment?

Yes, we can all pick out comments but for the most part you have ignored a lot of important information that the op has given.

She also hasn't been back for a while.

When you’ve been physically assaulted your threshold for abuse is pretty high! I would argue that I do bring loads to the family: despite feeling at times like an emotional punchbag I massively emotionally support the DC and have enjoyed being there for them. Recently DS said ‘No one I know can talk to their mother like I talk to you. We have the best relationship out of all my friends and their mums (ha and no it wasn’t about talking to me rudely).

Some verbatim quotes from DH: Your mother is useless.
Your mother is lazy.
Are you too thick to work this out?
You are a waste of space.
You’re a cunt.
Why hasn’t your useless mother made sure you have tidied your room/finished your homework/found your uniform.

Anything the DC do ‘wrong’ is my fault.

FWIW their useless mother does nag and stand over them and block screen time but I honestly cannot physically make them do their homework/wash up etc. I have come close to dragging them but have had to walk into a different room as I don’t want the red mist to come down the way it did for me with a violent parent.

Would be intrigued to see what comment from ‘Camilla’ (Cameron?) was deleted.

This is abuse. Please call Women''s Aid. No two ways about it.

Not much different to the rest of their posts tbh, not really sure why that one was deleted and others allowed to stand.

Please contact Women's Aid ❤️

Happy to DM you.

I think you need to pull the kids out of their private schools. - and that would never normally be my go to advice.

You have said your husbands take home is around 125k and you are spending 60k on school fees leaving you struggling to do maintenance on your house and your husband trapped in his job and depressed.

You have said the local schools won't do for your kids and you prefer to prioritise schoolswith your money over material goods. You aren't working and haven't been for over a year. If your husband has a breakdown your kids will have to leave their schools and more lifestyle changes besides so I would make the change before the breakdown which will affect much more than your finances.

I think you are being quite cruel having your standards so high (children must go to private school) on the back of someone else's misery. It doesn't sound like private school is turning your kids into nice polite people either so time for some tough love.

Get the kids in normal school and allow them and your husband a reasonable quality of life in return for his high stress high pay job - or for him to go part time etc and save his mental health.

Get any job. Particularly if you are insisting the kids stay in private school. Apply to a supermarket, a care home whatever and do lots of overtime. At the moment it is easy for you to insist the kids need private school while not having to put in the hours of graft. If you can't get a well paid job at the moment then you need to base your decisions in that reality.