DH’s contempt at my lack of job

[Clawsible]

I need to preface this by saying I know I’m viewed as lucky because I’m not working and we can survive on one very large salary.

But it is not all it seems. The contempt I now have from DH is off the scale and it’s infecting the DC. We both come from poor backgrounds and feel utterly broke once tax comes out and the huge school bills are paid. I feel terrible for saying this as I know families out there are relying on food banks.

This is a long one but I don’t want to drip feed. My confidence is in pieces. I know I’m viewed as a worthless person. Not only am I not working after being pretty good at what I do but I’m also absolutely terrible around the house so can’t even claim to be a housewife. Possibly ADHD masking for years. I can’t follow instructions but somehow got straight As at school when I stayed up all night cramming having zoned out during lessons…

I’ve had very fleeting thoughts about walking away - possibly into the sea somewhere - life as I know it is over. My confidence has always been low which is how people with arguably less talent (ok so maybe it’s not THAT low?!) have leapfrogged me career wise.

DH and I have been together since I was at uni. He is five years older and has always worked. We are now pushing 50 and 55 with two young teen DCs.

I was always ambitious and did well to secure work in a very competitive field as an outsider (not wanting to go into details as quite outing) but did not land well paid roles until about 7 years ago when I used transferable skills to go into a better paid field. I’ve had several blips - two redundancies including one in new career. DH has remained steady and now earns about £250k (including bonus).

DH has stayed in the same sort of role but climbed his way up. He’s now hit a ceiling on pay and possibly promotions. He is very keen to retire and feels burnt out and trapped due to school fees and future uni costs. Yes I know it is a luxury but DC thriving and our catchment schools are simply not good enough. Moving would cost more in upfront costs which we can’t finance.

When my last contract ended, (I can’t believe it but 20 months ago!!) we agreed I would take my time to get a really good role. So many jobs were around. Then the job market tanked the summer before last and the roles I interviewed for dried up. I had some freelance work but not enough and that has now been largely taken I think thanks to AI and firms not having budgets.

Perimenopause also hit hard and I had zero energy and felt very off my game. I’m now better on that front I think and ready to work properly.

I’ve only had a handful of interviews and have not secured work. I’ve been prepared to take significant pay cuts. Some hiring managers have noted my experience very positively but are bewildered as to why I have wanted those particular roles.

I am now facing ageism inadvertently perhaps but it’s there. Meanwhile DH said last week this was unacceptable and he will want a divorce. He thinks I’m a shit parent and shit around the house and the DC hate my cooking. They also undermine me to DH when I annoy them, so it is becoming a toxic cycle.

I very much want to get a kick ass job now to pay the bills but also to contribute as much as I can to my own savings and investments so I can have an escape plan if needed.

I don’t have any advice, but I do want to offer support. I hope you find that kick ass job and shove it right up his nose

Ouch. Your Dh may well have mental health problems due to job stress but taking them out on you is completely unacceptable and, as you are finding, extremely unhelpful for confidence etc.

So I think I would start by telling him to go to the GP for a stress checkup.

Then I’d look (ideally together) at options to reduce stress. Are there state school options coming up (for year 12 etc) that could take the financial pressure off?

Then I’d get back into the job hunt. Yes it’s bloody tough but you only need one. What recruiters are you talking to? Sideways move? A relative aged 61 has been successful by going for fixed term contracts, via headhunters.

Thanks so much @Ohchocichocolate. I don’t have the funds or cash for therapy right now and from what I’ve seen with friends and family it seems never ending.

I’ve tried and am trying more uplifting self help stuff. I’m trying hard to manifest (yeah I know).

If anyone has any tips how to build resilience fast and what habits to form - even how to structure my day - or what’s worked for them please let me know.

As a person who went through marriage difficulties but is coming out the other side still in the marriage who normally tells people to talk etc etc, I don’t know op- men have depression and mid life crises and it sounds like he’s never had a break from work but him telling you you’re shit at cleaning cooking (a lot of us are btw, does he think that extra X chromosome makes us amazing and cooking and cleaning?!) is out of order. Continue job searching, try to talk to him but tbh a divorce doesn’t sound like the worst idea, you’re in tatters and he’s not being there for you. Work on trying to be happy, start reading, getting out for walks, looking after yourself x

I would love a fixed term contract but can’t seem to find headhunters in this field.

For what it’s worth he might find a divorce very expensive.

my exdh earned a fuckton of money and I found it very difficult to earn much following an accident.

he had a lot of contempt for me but he was very unhappy about the divorce because he saw all our families money as his (despite me putting in two inheritances and working most of my life) but the judge did not agree with him particularly as I am severely disabled and use a wheelchair.

Can I suggest the free https://www.moirageary.com/podcasts/the-positivity-project-podcast
as a starter?

Sounds toxic on all sides: your DH for looking down on you (or has he reached breaking point? Is he depressed?) and you cocklodging.

You may be suffering from burn out.
But in all honesty, if a woman described her husband as successfully managing a high flying job but being unable to cook a meal or clean then they’d be accused of weaponised incompetence. ADHD aside: you managed to have, and be good at, a competitive job - so you can run a house.

Stop manifesting and start doing.

He sounds like an arse OP! You’re actively looking and interviewing and doing your best and he’s threatening to divorce you and insulting your efforts at cooking and cleaning? That’s pretty low.

Just keep doing what you’re doing and something will come up, ask anyone you previously worked with and still have contact details for if they know of any opportunities in your field, look for slightly different roles where your skills would transfer over more easily, keep hounding the recruiters, scour linked in for opportunities and then, when you get a kick ass job, you can turn around and grant your awful husband a divorce so he can move out and clean his own damn house

Does that mean you are not taking charge of the house whilst you're not working? He has to do both?
If you can't get a job in your field, look for any job to tide you over. Many people job hunt whilst still working.
I can see his frustration.

Thanks @Morepositivemum. We hosted a dinner party recently and I did all the cooking as DH said it was my idea. He told the DC later that the food was terrible. I was already nervous as the guests were not super close friends and I hadn’t hosted one lot of them before and they are all amazing cooks and hosts. I just feel like I can’t win. It’s a bit like when someone is scrutinising you with disapproval, you just seem to mess up more. I need to find a way to at least temporarily block that negativity so I can win again and then I can decide whether anything is worth saving. From his perspective he’s a washed up man who has had the same boring role for years while I had years of pursuing an interesting career and am now sitting on my arse while he is working hard.

You bot sound a bit depressed tbh. And soon it will become sadness top trumps in your house if it hasn't already.

This is very random but as a similar ‘does well with pressure’ mentality, it genuinely helps me to structure my day using the radio! Plus mentally running my day in half hour chunks. So: I’m a radio 3 listener. They have features I like through the day at 630, 650, 930, 10am, 1115 etc. I aim to get certain things done around those times (eg awake at 630, showered and dressed while listening to the 650 one etc). If I’m facing a task that feels literally not doable, I plan a coffee in 30 minutes and force myself to do something, anything, towards it. I also do better with jobs that are very in your face and immediate, which is why I’m in healthcare.

You are clearly very capable, and I agree that divorce may not be the worst outcome. Think in terms of what work is out there; imma ‘get any job’ type but that may not be right for you. But if you were liberated from your dh’s opinion, what would you do?

I really feel for you OP. I thought you were going to say that you haven’t worked in 20 years, and I was prepared to entirely back your DH, but it’s only been 20 months! And ageism in recruitment is sadly very real, not to mention the state of the job market. I can understand that your DH is probably exhausted and wants a break, but he earns a massive salary so there is no financial stress, and it sounds as if you are really trying. Mentioning divorce is extreme and doesn’t seem like a normal reaction to me at all- is there more backstory or anything else going on in the marriage?

I cook dinner 6-7 times a week. I sort all DC admin and do all school runs and some cleaning eg keep on top of kitchen and bathroom and all laundry. But the house doesn’t look spotless. We obviously have no cleaner etc. Also look after other admin like travel/holidays and insurances etc. I know this is not a full time job but I do a lot that is ‘hidden’. There was a recent minor legal issue which I’ve had to step in to try to sort.

Believe me I can’t wait to hand some of this back and start building my own pension which stands at around 200k while his is nearly 900k.

Meanwhile DH said last week this was unacceptable and he will want a divorce.

Give him what he wants. You, and your children, will survive (as will he, alone or otherwise) in a smaller home without an atmosphere of rank toxicity.

Maybe call his bluff? Suggest that he starts planning his exit from work and that you’ll support him all the way. It means the kids coming out of private school, obviously a planned exit /part time alternative would be better than crashing out etc, but if he hates it that much, time to get out. You could both start looking for jobs that will work; there are some out there; delivery driving, care work, etc etc?

Do you and DH still love each other?

You haven’t mentioned any emotions on your side and it doesn’t seem as if your H has any positive emotions left for you.

Maybe exploring the financial ramifications of divorce is what you both need to start doing.

Unfortunately the job market is shocking at the minute, but keep plugging at it you only need one role. I think anything even if it was not a high level job would help hugely with your feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness.

@midwalker He keeps going on about me not working for two years. I also ‘failed’ to get one of my DC into a super elite school so that’s seen as my failure. My DC are very strong willed and every time one of them loses an item or is running behind on homework, DH says I can’t parent. He says this in front of DC so it is super undermining.

I said I wouldn’t drip feed but came from a DV household where my siblings and I were beaten by one parent. Pre middle age I used to be very argumentative but I just want a conflict free life now.

There was a similar thread on here a day or so ago about a man who had lost his job. The overwhelming response from posters was that he should take any job, no matter how lowly so that he was making a financial contribution. You can get a job, OP, there are plenty of jobs but they may not be posh enough for you. There are always caring roles available. A friend of mine got a job in a care home recently helping with recreational activities for the residents. She had a high profile job but was made redundant and there were school fees to pay. She didn't have a choice. She had to feel that she was making a financial contribution. She loves the job and she loves feeling that she is making a difference.
It is always easier to get a new job when you already have a job. It will do wonders for your confidence.

He sounds under pressure tbh. And, if I was the only one working and DH was at home but not looking after the house because he was”terrible at it” I’d feel under pressure and honestly pissed off too.

Yes I think the moaning about the bills is a symptom of his mental health not financial reality. Which is why he needs to go to his GP.

Ooh, I tell you a good job for those with an ADHD type approach; 999 call taker/dispatcher.

You mention ADHD in your opening post @Clawsible if you are serious that may be a difficulty for you I would strongly suggest that is your no.1 priority.

Adults can ask for an assessment in England using Right to Choose.

If you do have some sort of ND which can be treatable, that might ease some of your issues so more of your energy is freed up for job hunting.

Best of luck.

I don't think your problem is lack of paid employment, OP.

Your husband sounds absolutely horrible.