DH’s contempt at my lack of job

[Clawsible]

I need to preface this by saying I know I’m viewed as lucky because I’m not working and we can survive on one very large salary.

But it is not all it seems. The contempt I now have from DH is off the scale and it’s infecting the DC. We both come from poor backgrounds and feel utterly broke once tax comes out and the huge school bills are paid. I feel terrible for saying this as I know families out there are relying on food banks.

This is a long one but I don’t want to drip feed. My confidence is in pieces. I know I’m viewed as a worthless person. Not only am I not working after being pretty good at what I do but I’m also absolutely terrible around the house so can’t even claim to be a housewife. Possibly ADHD masking for years. I can’t follow instructions but somehow got straight As at school when I stayed up all night cramming having zoned out during lessons…

I’ve had very fleeting thoughts about walking away - possibly into the sea somewhere - life as I know it is over. My confidence has always been low which is how people with arguably less talent (ok so maybe it’s not THAT low?!) have leapfrogged me career wise.

DH and I have been together since I was at uni. He is five years older and has always worked. We are now pushing 50 and 55 with two young teen DCs.

I was always ambitious and did well to secure work in a very competitive field as an outsider (not wanting to go into details as quite outing) but did not land well paid roles until about 7 years ago when I used transferable skills to go into a better paid field. I’ve had several blips - two redundancies including one in new career. DH has remained steady and now earns about £250k (including bonus).

DH has stayed in the same sort of role but climbed his way up. He’s now hit a ceiling on pay and possibly promotions. He is very keen to retire and feels burnt out and trapped due to school fees and future uni costs. Yes I know it is a luxury but DC thriving and our catchment schools are simply not good enough. Moving would cost more in upfront costs which we can’t finance.

When my last contract ended, (I can’t believe it but 20 months ago!!) we agreed I would take my time to get a really good role. So many jobs were around. Then the job market tanked the summer before last and the roles I interviewed for dried up. I had some freelance work but not enough and that has now been largely taken I think thanks to AI and firms not having budgets.

Perimenopause also hit hard and I had zero energy and felt very off my game. I’m now better on that front I think and ready to work properly.

I’ve only had a handful of interviews and have not secured work. I’ve been prepared to take significant pay cuts. Some hiring managers have noted my experience very positively but are bewildered as to why I have wanted those particular roles.

I am now facing ageism inadvertently perhaps but it’s there. Meanwhile DH said last week this was unacceptable and he will want a divorce. He thinks I’m a shit parent and shit around the house and the DC hate my cooking. They also undermine me to DH when I annoy them, so it is becoming a toxic cycle.

I very much want to get a kick ass job now to pay the bills but also to contribute as much as I can to my own savings and investments so I can have an escape plan if needed.

I do agree men are judged more harshly when they’re not working @Canyonroadjack. I knew having DC would destroy my old career and it was something I did anyway so I’m happy to live with that choice. It’s not the same for everyone - a few exceptional ex colleagues held it together but most have drifted away.

I do still spend time planning, booking stuff, doing admin, making sure deadlines are met. If it was DH at home I think the house would be a bit tidier but dinner would never be ready on time and DC would probably not even have school places as he would not have done any research on processes and deadlines. They would have very few friends as he would not have the initiative to sort anything social. They would not have had birthday parties or gifts and gifts would not be sourced for friends.

He never sought or wanted to seek help for his own childhood and had likely repeated that with you and your children. He had a choice when it came to his family unit he also created and he chose the low road.

I strongly suspect that if the OP does this then her lowly job will be used as another stick to beat her with by her "D"H.

OP I think staying in this marriage will destroy you sooner or later. Have you considered seeing a shit hot lawyer in secret to get an idea of how much you might be able to get if/when you divorce. Even if you don't do anything this information now, I always think it's good to know what your options are. You could consider whether you might be able to afford a smaller house on your own somewhere with decent state schools. Ofc it would be better not to move your kids from their schools, but your children need a mother who can function more than they need a private education. I hope you realise that you're now in an abusive relationship and that you need to try and protect them from this.

You are not useless, your career history and your children are evidence of this

Your husband sounds like an unremitting bastard. I'm so sorry.

I don't know what to suggest but I'm absolutely rooting for you getting an amazing job, divorcing the arsehole, and finding peace and happiness.

It does sound like you would be happier apart.

for what it’s worth my ExH was also obsessed with keeping the family home.

i didn’t care. So he bought me out and I now have a lovely new build that I have made my own and he’s not allowed to come to.

he has pissed off both of our kids in the few years since the divorce and they voted with their feet and both came to live with me during/post uni (our kids were older).

state sixth form after private is a very standard route and is worth looking at

do your kids like their schools? How far off being able to move are they?

if he buys you out then you could move to a much cheaper area chosen for good state schools and build a better life there. That’s what I did

As for the cooking, there used to be a straightforward rule on cattle ranches in the US. If you complain about the food, then you cook it in future. The end. Sneering at food cooked for you which you're given on time, for nothing, shows a person who doesn't yet realise the value of food. It's a short lesson though.

Honestly, I agree and I this was my stance after reading the OP. However, her subsequent comments about him telling her the food was awful at the dinner party changed my mind about him. No decent man says a thing like that, especially to someone who is already struggling.

I really feel for you @Clawsible , you sound very low and your husband should not be taking to you in that way, regardless of the circumstances.

How old are the DC and what is your relationship with them like?

Do you have savings that could see them through to 6th form? Can you downsize the house or move to a different area where state schools are better?

I recommend getting an interim job and thinking about setting up a life for yourself and a home where the DC can be with you. Your H needs to leave/change his job, but I can't see the marriage surviving, and why would you want to stay with who thinks so little of you.

Your husband needs to get a grip of his emotions around tge children and take some responsibility for the decisions he has made.

Your husband sounds awful. He may be disappointed that you haven’t been able to share the financial pressure - but I’ll bet he hasn’t shared the domestic load and career impact of kids.

Contrary to what some PP say you ARE looking after the home. Admin is done. Dinner is made and the house is clean enough and tidy enough. You’re just not doing it to the standard he’s decided he is entitled to.

Also ignore the pp who doesn’t understand how you can do a high flying job but struggle with domestic stuff. That’s classic “bright person with ADHD”.

Job wise my strong advice is to look up old contacts. Use LinkedIn, connect with all thr people you worked with even if it was 20 years ago. Do a job search and see if there are jobs going where they work now. Then contact them - don’t ask for the job obviously, but just to ask if they have time for a chat about the workplace/role/etc.

You are clearly bright if you got straight As through last minute cramming, someone will remember that and value it. If you performed decently in your old roles that already gives you a value above unknowns.

I'd take him up on the offer of divorce if I were you. Has he any idea how much that would cost him?

Oh this sounds miserable OP. Do you have other friends and family in your life who lift you up at all?

You absolutely can if the outgoings are massive and with two teens in private school they will be, plus people on that income are unlikely to live in a small house that costs little to heat and maintain. "Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen nineteen and six , result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pounds ought and six, result misery..."

Plus it does sound as though they may have fallen into a not uncommon trap for high earners... you work like fuck to earn the money, and there's no point putting yourself through that if you don't benefit from the money. So you buy all the benefits it brings, but then you have to keep spending the money to keep benefitting from the money you keep burning yourself out to earn, and you have to keep burning yourself out to keep earning the money.

It's not sheer materialism as such, it's just that you get caught in a cycle where your happiness and feeling of success is caught up in the money and what it brings so you don't feel able to stop doing either.

Sorry for your delay. Between answering posts I have just resorted something with the bank for the mortgage.

Thank you for all the advice. For those who are critical of me, believe me it’s not as harsh as what I’ve told myself! My first taste of failure came when I was 40 and I have become rather good at it.

My weakness is physically sorting toys and clutter. But there is a hot meal on the table every night, clothes are cleaned, kitchen is left spotless etc.

We have a lot of equity in the house as the area was not that expensive when we bought but as a result, we could not afford to move separately anywhere else.

He was the gentlest, nicest person ever when we met. He was kind. Never a hugely open person but loyal and solid and nice and without a massive ego.

My job brought him some benefits - meeting people and going to places he would never have dreamed of going to, opening doors socially etc.

His job undeniably paid the bills. But contrary to some of the assumptions, my last two roles tipped me into the six figure bracket so I wasn’t working for pin money!

I don’t work - have never been in a job that paid barely over minimum wage even though I needed qualifications for it (dental nurse), I’m a rubbish cook, the house is sometimes a state sometimes it’s ok, I’m an alright mum, but so what? Your job doesn’t define you? DH earns £95k and we live comfortably, if we split I would probably live off savings and get a part time job topped up with UC.

My DH is like if you want a job for your own mental health get a job, but you don’t have to. Last night he worked all day and still cooked tea! But then when he wants to go to football, or darts or away with friends or whatever I have the kids on my own. As a rule I’ll do tea if he’s out and I’m at home but he’s good at cooking and enjoys it, where as I don’t. But I do all the decorating and DIY as I’m good and enjoy that.

I think in your 50s, sadly, no matter your expertise and experience it's going to be hard to get a job anywhere near the level you had. Age discrimination for women kicks in late 30s.

@ThatCyanCat you’re right. Fees have doubled since DC started. Taxes and bills have gone up massively. We are really lucky we stayed in our scruffy terrace or we would have an unimaginable mortgage to contend with. I hadn’t had a haircut for 18 months as it’s too expensive! Tumble dryer hasn’t worked for six months and am waiting until the one I want goes on sale. Carpet is threadbare. Walls need plastering. Just don’t have the thousands spare to sort this and I honestly don’t know how anyone affords cosmetic renovations!

Next big bill will be replacing the boiler. Have already shelled out £££ to fix an annoying plumbing issue. Roof needs sorting but requires scaffolding which costs thousands. Had to dismantle a shed recently but pieces won’t fit in our smallish car and to get rid of it will cost several hundred as I don’t want to risk a flytipping cowboy.

The system is currently as broken as my family.

Forgot to say I do volunteer at DCs’ schools which also winds up DH as he thinks every spare hour should revolve around paid work. But the way I see it I am contributing even if I’m not getting paid. There are several mothers who have not worked at all since they had DC and not all of them have DH who earn far more than DH.

Volunteering means I’m still partly using my brain and networking too.

I suspect you are experiencing domestic abuse, which is very common of you have ADHD. My ADHD psychiatrist has written an article about this - I will try to dig it out for you. In a healthy relationship, your partner does not tell you that you are a shit parent or plot against you with the DCs.

Around perimenopause onwards, ADHD becomes more difficult because somehow or other, falling estrogen levels have an impact on dopamine activity in the brain.

So what I would recommend is to ask your GP for a referral for an ADHD assessment. The medication has been around for decades and it works. I’d ask for a right to choose referral otherwise you will be waiting for ever. Although ask your GP about whether they are happy to do shared care with a right to choose provider otherwise you will be paying for your prescriptions privately for a long time. A

I would also talk to your GP and also Women’s Aid about possible domestic abuse - both were highly supportive of me.

Once you are on ADHD medication, you will find it easier to focus on a new career. ADHD medication made me feel calmer and more focussed.

Your happiness is as important as your dcs. How happy do you think they are with miserable parents? Your dh sounds awful. I wouldnt be waiting to see if things change when you get a job. Hold your head up high and know that you deserve more than his belitting arse, and walk away. You might have to scrape by for a while, but itd be so worth it so not have to deal with him anymore

Your problem is your husband and his contempt for you. Even if he was frustrated you weren't working, he shouldn't be calling you a shit parent in front of the children, and he shouldn't be blaming you for things like them losing an item or not getting into a particular school.

You are being run down, diminished and made to feel worthless.

Unfortunately you have internalised that and your children are listening to him and diminishing you too.

I think you need to leave him, this toxic atmosphere and get half the house/his pension and go and live a happier life.

He's happy kicking you, he's not maturely discussing anything with you whatsoever or making plans on how you can work together.

In terms of easy wins, Iisten to Mel Robbins 'Let Them' book and others she's written on audible, and get up in the morning straight away and go for a walk, no phones, and do her morning routine. This helps enormously if you have ADHD and lack motivation to get going.

What would the consequences be of putting your kids into state education? I appreciate that if they're happy and settled, or halfway through GCSEs or something, this might not be feasible.

If you were on six figures yourself before, there are very few households that won't feel a drop like that, even if the other partner is also at that level.

Op the house is not spotless because you are wasting your talent on housework and deep down you know it.

You and DH both sound depressed and, sadly, I think waiting to get positivity from him is going to be a long wait as he is using you as his punching bag for his own depressed feelings.

What you have been fielding DOES sound really stressful and I think it is important to be kind to yourself about that.

The thing about the dinner party was just mean. Hold your head up, know your worth (and not being good at cleaning loos is really no big deal) and try to detach from his negativity. I know that is hard. But one day soon a job opening will come along: you just need to stay positive and show you are hungry for it.

If you’re genuinely struggling financially on a £250k wage then private school fees must be an enormously huge portion and therefore something to consider dropping?

Or do you just feel the weight of bills more? You feel you should have more fun money than you do? Because other people also have those same house and personal bills but on £25k and just get on with it.

If there were no bills to cover I would want some element of creativity and recognition.
Also, genuinely curious as to why you covet recognition. Wtf does it matter?