DH’s contempt at my lack of job

[Clawsible]

I need to preface this by saying I know I’m viewed as lucky because I’m not working and we can survive on one very large salary.

But it is not all it seems. The contempt I now have from DH is off the scale and it’s infecting the DC. We both come from poor backgrounds and feel utterly broke once tax comes out and the huge school bills are paid. I feel terrible for saying this as I know families out there are relying on food banks.

This is a long one but I don’t want to drip feed. My confidence is in pieces. I know I’m viewed as a worthless person. Not only am I not working after being pretty good at what I do but I’m also absolutely terrible around the house so can’t even claim to be a housewife. Possibly ADHD masking for years. I can’t follow instructions but somehow got straight As at school when I stayed up all night cramming having zoned out during lessons…

I’ve had very fleeting thoughts about walking away - possibly into the sea somewhere - life as I know it is over. My confidence has always been low which is how people with arguably less talent (ok so maybe it’s not THAT low?!) have leapfrogged me career wise.

DH and I have been together since I was at uni. He is five years older and has always worked. We are now pushing 50 and 55 with two young teen DCs.

I was always ambitious and did well to secure work in a very competitive field as an outsider (not wanting to go into details as quite outing) but did not land well paid roles until about 7 years ago when I used transferable skills to go into a better paid field. I’ve had several blips - two redundancies including one in new career. DH has remained steady and now earns about £250k (including bonus).

DH has stayed in the same sort of role but climbed his way up. He’s now hit a ceiling on pay and possibly promotions. He is very keen to retire and feels burnt out and trapped due to school fees and future uni costs. Yes I know it is a luxury but DC thriving and our catchment schools are simply not good enough. Moving would cost more in upfront costs which we can’t finance.

When my last contract ended, (I can’t believe it but 20 months ago!!) we agreed I would take my time to get a really good role. So many jobs were around. Then the job market tanked the summer before last and the roles I interviewed for dried up. I had some freelance work but not enough and that has now been largely taken I think thanks to AI and firms not having budgets.

Perimenopause also hit hard and I had zero energy and felt very off my game. I’m now better on that front I think and ready to work properly.

I’ve only had a handful of interviews and have not secured work. I’ve been prepared to take significant pay cuts. Some hiring managers have noted my experience very positively but are bewildered as to why I have wanted those particular roles.

I am now facing ageism inadvertently perhaps but it’s there. Meanwhile DH said last week this was unacceptable and he will want a divorce. He thinks I’m a shit parent and shit around the house and the DC hate my cooking. They also undermine me to DH when I annoy them, so it is becoming a toxic cycle.

I very much want to get a kick ass job now to pay the bills but also to contribute as much as I can to my own savings and investments so I can have an escape plan if needed.

Op is not "home doing nothing" though, she just doesn't have a "House & Garden" photo shoot...

DC screamed at my the other day about what I had made for dinner and said ‘I wanted X! Why don’t you ever make X?’ So I made it last night and she screamed ‘I told you I didn’t want you to make X!’

Where do you think these behaviours are coming from? Looks like imitating daddy to me.

Have you watched ‘The Secret’… very interesting idea about the power of positive thought, the law of attraction, being grateful and loving yourself. The more you focus on the bad stuff, the more you attract that. It’s worth an hour and a half of your time.

Only on MN would a description of an abusive marriage be met with the suggestion of cooking roast chicken and crumble 😭

DC screamed at my the other day about what I had made for dinner and said ‘I wanted X! Why don’t you ever make X?’ So I made it last night and she screamed ‘I told you I didn’t want you to make X!

God almighty. If I'd have spoken to my mother like that, I'd have been wearing my dinner as a hat. That's not even joking either. I have a memory of my sister with rice pudding dripping down her face and the bowl upside down on her head!

Sorry OP but your H is an absolute arse -however I have little sympathy because unless he absolutely insisted the kids go to private schools then that is a choice, it is not a necessity . For you to have no money just to fund this is madness . What’s your idea of ‘not good enough’ schools wise, ? I’m pretty sure it will be perfectly acceptable- my son actually did better at the local very mixed comp than he did at private school . Your Hs attitude is truly dreadful - I would be taking him for every penny , plus good maintanance - move, rent a nice house in a good area unless you can buy something modest outright , get kids in state school, get your maintanance sorted, you may well still get spousal at that level if there isn’t masses of equity - get good maintanance and carry on job hunting - who wants to live with this kind of attitude/pressure and maybe adjust your expectations too and those possibly of your kids who sound a bit precious too - I can guarantee within 18 months you will think why was I putting up with this from this over entitled bunch - -

This sounds a really tough situation.
It maybe worth going to the GP to see if they can give you anything to help medication wise or recommend you for counselling. (Some areas have free/highly subsidised options available). Certainly see if there is any help you could get with your ADHD.
Your DHs behaviour sounds pretty appalling and totally unreasonable - he potentially needs to get some help for himself but that's obviously another battle!
Is he borderline abusive - criticising you, particularly in front of the children. Maybe worth contacting a domestic abuse charity to get some support and advice.
Your house environment does sound depressing - in the sense that even if it was really tidy, it wouldn't look tidy because it needs work doing to it. Is there a way you can work out a plan of work/budget for doing anything about it over the next few years? Is there any of it that you could do yourself?
Maybe consider divorce, if it is better for you than being someone so unpleasant....

It might be worth your while filing for a divorce and getting a financial settlement while you're not earning? If your H is serious. He will have to share more of his money and pensions with you. Spousal maintenance for a limited time while you find work, a greater share of the equity in your home etc. Then you can keep all you earn when you do reenter the job market.
There is no excuse for kids or husband being disrespectful, you've only been out of work 20 months anyway. You need to stand up for yourself. If they don't like your cooking, let them eat microwave ready meals. Teens can tidy up after themselves too.
If you're really struggling, the private school will have to go. And you can downsize / move house without paying a lot upfront. A lot of the pressure is self inflicted.

Look up habit stacking, the UFYH app is good. I haven’t read the full thread yet.

OP, it sounds lie it is all me-me-me and focusing on yourself and no one else. Contrary to what you state about your self-esteem, I think your opinion of yourself is too high and that't why you feel so poor. This is because your image of yourself clashes with reality. So you then come with excuses (dysfunctional family - it was 35 years ago) or validations (straight A-levels - 30+ years ago) from long time ago. It doesn't really matter what was 30 years ago, it does matter what your current situation is.

I suspect that you subconsciously feel that focusing on mundane things lie running the house properly and looking for a job is below you. Hence volunteering (that you can't really afford time-wise and financially - it benefits only you, not the family) and dinner parties (are you even in a financial position for this?). It is probably called running high social life and the lifestyle you can't emotionally and financially afford, especially when you kieep mentioning that you come from the poor backiground. This is what drives your husband crazy.

You are focusing on the things that bring satisfaction to yourself - you say that dinner party was your idea, and so far there hasn't been a single focus on the family benefits. That's why your husband pickis on everything around you. It is not just you are terrible at cooking/parenting, it is more like it is not your focus and it feels like you are doing it like a favour, not with full effort and focus. This drives cray your husband.

@CherrySparkling ha ha! I actually made something far more ambitious and exotic! Still not good enough!

yea @SecretChipmunk and I’ve downloaded her money manifesting one. I thought I was doing well not slipping into a deep depression but his negativity is really grinding me down/

We have been really frugal - honestly - and paid off 95% of the house.

I pay 12k a year into an ISA to make up for my much much smaller pension. Then there are school fees and costs which mops up probably 5k a month of after tax income.

We have family abroad so travel to see them and that accounts for the ‘extra’ spend.

The rest goes on food (Aldi. Restaurant at most once a month). Bills. Amazon eg water bottles, gifts.

The bonus is paid yearly and we do one big thing with it eg buy a sash window! Pay for half a holiday. Pay for a school trip.

We have felt poorer like everyone else due to bills going up but also taxes taking away far more.

Can I recommend exercise as a confidence and mood booster?

And energy booster

I do still spend time planning, booking stuff, doing admin, making sure deadlines are met. If it was DH at home I think the house would be a bit tidier but dinner would never be ready on time

how are you filling your days though op doing all this stuff. How old are the kids and how many, as this seems extreme,

https://medium.com/@doctor_27995/how-women-with-adhd-can-protect-themselves-from-covert-narcissists-087eae169b40

Written by my ADHD psychiatrist

You can ask for a referral through Right to Choose, but even if the referral is made the waiting lists and titration lists are very long unless you pay privately. ADHD aside, make sure you have a good divorce solicitor and get a fair settlement.

Agree strongly. Op the nasty toxic behaviour of your husband is being copied by your kids and it's really not good for you.

Perhaps a break from each other will make you feel lighter and more able to tackle some of the things you have been struggling with.

He is emotionally abusing you. He definitely is. You don't need to put up with this, do what you need to do to get out.

I hope things work out well for you and the kids.

Sorry OP but lots of us work work full time and still do those things on top, ditto fixing the mortgage. Your DH being a high earner has enabled you to choose to fail and stay failed (fail being your own word), most people don’t have that luxury and a lot of us can see why he’s fed up. You don’t need a ‘kick ass’ job, you just need a job. Your CV is scattered, just get something to start yourself off and go from there. Your most recent period of unemployment says you’re not in a position to pick and choose, just get something as if you had to find money asap.

I genuinely don’t know how my day disappears. By the time I’ve done admin, price compared whatever it is that needs to be booked or paid for, dropped kids off, put away washing, put on more washing, unloaded dishwasher, looked for lost items, pulled stuff out for dinner, started dinner, maybe gone for top up groceries, answered message from friend, looked on LinkedIn; applied for job and tailored CV, fielded various texts from DH about whatever it is that needs doing, sorted broken appliance (if I can YouTube it), left to collect DC then the day has largely gone. I have seen way too long on here today though. And on a bad day I can lose up to two hours on ad development research. But then if I think what I would do in an eight hour day at my desk at work, it was a lot less disjointed and I had fewer bitty tasks. The fact that DH has time to text me links to articles about ‘immigrants’ and rapists makes me think he has a lot of down time in his VIP job,

Roughly according to income tax calculators:
Earn £250,000 in 2025/26 and you'll take home £144,286.
If you spend 60k on school fees that is stîll 80k left. I dont understand why your family is under such financial pressure. Most famîies have nowhere near 80k net income. Even with sizable additional outgoings you shouldn't be struggling. Do you have full acess to the family finances? Is your husband fully transparent about where the money is going?
I understand that your husband feels pressure to maintain this level of salary and your difficulties in the job market. However, he isn't discussing this rationally. Instead he is being deeply unplesant and critical of you.

If your DC's are teens, why are you doing school runs? Teen DCs should be able to pick up some slack. Mine empty the dishwasher, do washing up, help put away the laundry, occasionally cook. And certainly should be able to look for things themselves unless there is ND going on.

I don't really understand how you can feel broke when DH earns £250k. Even with tax and school fees, there should be some left over. Are you sure he's not squirelling something away or hiding his real earnings?

cross posted with @Owlbookend!

I do think I spent way too much time weighing up every decision so I’m not efficient.

Yes DH’s salary has kept the wolves from the door and me from having to work in a minimum wage job. I get it and appreciate it.

I think I need the routine of work and the security of my own pay cheque.

DH mindset I think is that his mother was left as a lone parent with zero financial help from his sperm donor of a father who never sent any cards. He really does see it as sponging - not recognising any of the other sacrifices I made for decades while working including making sure DC were kept alive and looked after even when I was working full time. He never had to deal with nannies, childcare, school etc. It’s little wonder that women don’t progress when they work in male dominated environments like I did.

Can you say any more about your professional background in case anyone can suggest options?

That's ridiculous. The net income of a £250k salary is about £145k. Of that, £50k pa is spent on school fees.

That leaves £95k and you're saying that's not enough to live on? That is far more than most families income. We have an income far less than that and feel very comfortable.

ETA I think the OP is ridiculous she says she feels broke. But if she took a basic job she'd manage to cover one set of school fees which would help.