DH’s contempt at my lack of job

[Clawsible]

I need to preface this by saying I know I’m viewed as lucky because I’m not working and we can survive on one very large salary.

But it is not all it seems. The contempt I now have from DH is off the scale and it’s infecting the DC. We both come from poor backgrounds and feel utterly broke once tax comes out and the huge school bills are paid. I feel terrible for saying this as I know families out there are relying on food banks.

This is a long one but I don’t want to drip feed. My confidence is in pieces. I know I’m viewed as a worthless person. Not only am I not working after being pretty good at what I do but I’m also absolutely terrible around the house so can’t even claim to be a housewife. Possibly ADHD masking for years. I can’t follow instructions but somehow got straight As at school when I stayed up all night cramming having zoned out during lessons…

I’ve had very fleeting thoughts about walking away - possibly into the sea somewhere - life as I know it is over. My confidence has always been low which is how people with arguably less talent (ok so maybe it’s not THAT low?!) have leapfrogged me career wise.

DH and I have been together since I was at uni. He is five years older and has always worked. We are now pushing 50 and 55 with two young teen DCs.

I was always ambitious and did well to secure work in a very competitive field as an outsider (not wanting to go into details as quite outing) but did not land well paid roles until about 7 years ago when I used transferable skills to go into a better paid field. I’ve had several blips - two redundancies including one in new career. DH has remained steady and now earns about £250k (including bonus).

DH has stayed in the same sort of role but climbed his way up. He’s now hit a ceiling on pay and possibly promotions. He is very keen to retire and feels burnt out and trapped due to school fees and future uni costs. Yes I know it is a luxury but DC thriving and our catchment schools are simply not good enough. Moving would cost more in upfront costs which we can’t finance.

When my last contract ended, (I can’t believe it but 20 months ago!!) we agreed I would take my time to get a really good role. So many jobs were around. Then the job market tanked the summer before last and the roles I interviewed for dried up. I had some freelance work but not enough and that has now been largely taken I think thanks to AI and firms not having budgets.

Perimenopause also hit hard and I had zero energy and felt very off my game. I’m now better on that front I think and ready to work properly.

I’ve only had a handful of interviews and have not secured work. I’ve been prepared to take significant pay cuts. Some hiring managers have noted my experience very positively but are bewildered as to why I have wanted those particular roles.

I am now facing ageism inadvertently perhaps but it’s there. Meanwhile DH said last week this was unacceptable and he will want a divorce. He thinks I’m a shit parent and shit around the house and the DC hate my cooking. They also undermine me to DH when I annoy them, so it is becoming a toxic cycle.

I very much want to get a kick ass job now to pay the bills but also to contribute as much as I can to my own savings and investments so I can have an escape plan if needed.

If you've earned well for most of your adult life and your DH earns £250k. Even if your 'small terrace' is next to buckingham palace and have 25 children attending Eton it sounds like either he is financially abusing you somehow and concealing money or as a couple you have seriously mismanaged your finances.

If you google the Gottman relationship models, contempt is the single biggest predictor of divorce (as is stonewalling, criticism and defensiveness). I'm guessing you tick all those boxes.

I would be thinking about how to get out, not how to tie yourself down with another big job (for that type of salary) and stick it out with someone who is openly contemptuous of you as a human.

Hi OP.

Please don't walk away, or do anything drastic. Your DC, and others in your life, would be devastated.

Your husband sounds like a very unpleasant, resentful man. He is not a good and caring husband or father.

Re housework - keep on top of the kitchen and bathroom, as you are already doing.
Hoover main areas as often as possible. Have baskets at the bottom of the stairs, one for each person, put any stuff left lying around in there, for them to put away.
Stick a wash on once a day/every other day, as needed.
DC should also be doing chores eg wash up/dry up or load and unload dishwasher. They can also strip and remake their own beds, put their own laundry away etc.

Re cooking - have some staples you can roll out without worrying about. If in doubt, add garlic!
If DCs hate your cooking, then they can take a turn. Anyone can make a pasta dish.

Dinner party cooking - an organic roasted chicken is always a crowd pleaser. Serve with one green and one orange veg and some boiled buttery new potatoes. Yum.
Dessert - ice cream with a fruit platter. Or an apple crumble.
Another option - a stew or casserole, especially if you have a slow cooker. Beef bourginon with mash and a green veg - delicious.
I look up all my recipes on line - BBC Good Food are very good - and follow them completely.
Don't try anything too exotic, you will be very stressed and it might not work.

Finally, take legal advice. Sooner or later I think you will be getting divorced.
There will be a negotiation over who, if either of you, gets to stay in the house. It's more likely that it will be sold, to allow you and H to each buy a property.
You will probably be entitled to a share of his pension.
And of any savings, wherever they might be kept.
You need to get as much financial information together as you can before seeing your solicitor.
Mortgage outstanding, house value (equity available), savings, investments, pensions, salaries, school fees (and ages of children ie how long before leave school, whether they intend going to Uni).

Have you been to your GP? If not, I would make an appointment, and tell them how low you are feeling.

Good luck, OP. You can and will get through this, and build a better, happier place for yourself, and your DCs.
💐

I have DC in private school, which is a stretch, and have had periods between jobs etc.

Are you married? You say both DP and DH. I hope you’re married as that way your H would have to share more assets if you divorce. He wouldn’t get to dictate what happens.

I wouldn’t stay married being treated the way you describe, even if it meant my DC moving to state education.

I don’t think it’s sensible to volunteer at the school if your DC may need to move for financial reasons and your priority is seeking paid work (or to enhance your chances of getting paid work).

A fair few DC where I am seem to move to state from private schools for financial and other reasons, including parents separating. The DC I know in that situation seem to have done well and seemed to discuss it and seek and receive support from their friends (old and new).

My husband and I both work full time and we both volunteer. A friend who earns far more than us can't believe why we don't just use that extra time and energy on more income growing. Um, because we enjoy it and the difference it makes, we like the impact on our self worth, we both feel passionately about the different areas our volunteering is in, it gives us a buzz, we have lots of friends and intergenerational connections through the volunteering which makes us feel at home and useful in our community. So big up for volunteering!

Volunteering can also play a key role in getting people back into work. It fills gaps in CVs, it offers training opportunities, and might open the door to jobs you weren't aware of but that really float your boat. I've worked in volunteer recruitment so I've got the spiel but I've also seen this happen in real life with friends and family.

Even if you've worked in roles which are well paid, it can open you up to other sectors etc.

I am also rubbish at house stuff.

Job wise, as it sounds really challenging to get a salaried position, are you able to offer any services as a freelancer? Hard without knowing your career but in an advisory role? financial advice? accounting? consultation? project management support?

ADHD tip: Marie Kondo the hell out of your house, I can't tell you what a difference it makes to an ADHD brain. Much less stuff, much easier to tidy up and to keep stuff out of the house that would otherwise re-clutter it. And are you actually a bad cook, or just being told this by your husband?

But that isn't really what your problem is right now. I'm sorry you're married to this (currently) bullying arsehole, and that your children are taking toxic lessons from him on relationships and responsibility. Money troubles are such a crushing weight on even the most healthy marriages, and this one sounds incredible abusive right now. Besides a high paying job magically landing at your doorstep tomorrow, do you have any options about getting out of it? Sending strength, OP.

@PineappleMelon I have been trying to let go of the ‘ego’ as that’s one of the things that holds back humans. I’ve been trying to feel more as though I’m part of a bigger puzzle rather than my own puzzle (Buddhism). But I’ve also found that in doing that, I may have sent out a message that I don’t matter… and that’s reinforcing the poor treatment of me.

I do know what it’s like to be poor. My family literally lost the roof over their heads.

DC schools is my top priority, above a ‘nice’ or bigger house. As I’ve said previously, most colleagues who leapfrogged me were arguably less good at their job but far more confident and that was down to their family lives and schooling.

I know plenty of people with a similar household income to us who send their DC to state schools but have far more ‘luxury’ goods. They judge us for spending a huge proportion of our after tax income on the DCs education. I prefer to live and let live. I don’t think buying my way into a good state catchment and elbowing out others who never had the chance to go private is necessarily more ethical - even if it is more comfortable for me.

This^. Might do your confidence the world of good to get shot of him.

Divorce, claim half (dont forget pensions) and tell him he's doing 50% of the childcare going forward.

OP the thing that is jumping out at me is that you continue to work on yourself despite all this but keep getting told by your DH you are not good enough.
You are good enough.
I bet your house isn’t even that messy.
Im with others - I think this is domestic abuse and you should leave him.

OP, is he your husband or your partner?

Recognition is hugely important to me.

i grew up in a family where very very few positive comments were ever made.

on the very rare occasion I get a positive comment It literally makes me cry I am so happy.

my ExH grew up in a family where his mum gave him lots of positive recognition but his dad constantly put him down especially as a teen for not being good enough. For him a major driving motivation is to be better at everything than his father was and ideally to rub his dad’s nose in it as well. It’s hugely important to him that he earns lots of money and does better career wise than his father.
he doesn’t care about recognition.

Your h is abusive. And he’s turning the kids against you. It’s completely unacceptable for them to be criticising you and looking down at you. I’d come down on them really hard for that - they’re old enough to know better.

As for your h, he seems to be waiting for you to fail all the time.

I’d make an appt with a divorce lawyer, get your ducks in a row and make plans to separate. He’s vile to you! Is this how you want to spend your one short life?

Op how old are your children thay you spend all day doing so much for them when they are at school to the extent you can’t do housework. Is there something hidden, do they have additional needs or disabilities?

Can you start your own business in a related field to your experience? That would be my best thought. Having been out of work for a while it gets harder to explain that gap in employment and get that kick ass job.

I'm in a very different situation to you but 2 years to me isn't a huge time out of work when you are occupied looking after your dependents and your DH has a very high paid job. Life is full of peaks and troughs.

I guess we all have different perspectives but it's worrying DH undermines you in front of children. I think there's a lack of respect there. Marriages can heal though - long term relationships do go wrong but you need to draw boundary lines in terms of what he says to you.

Wishing you well, from my p.o.v. you sound like a capable, hard-working, decent person. I'm no perfect housewife either!

I can sort of see a bit of both sides here. I am the main breadwinner, always have been. I hate it, I would give it up tomorrow if I could but I can’t. I hate the financial responsibility, the stress and the amount of hours I work.

I can also really see your side, and I think he is abusive - you are still in an abusive relationship, whether its stress induced or depression induced or whatever - him being nasty, derogatory and undermining is abusive!

You are doing a great job at supporting the family, despite what your prick of a H says - don’t forget that!!

There are a few things here for me:

• If its safe to do so, stand up for yourself, he does not get to speak to you or anyone like that…. a quick don’t talk to me like that…. or I don’t agree with you the food was lovely that I cooked… or whatever, but be clear and factual. What message is your DH sending to the DC about how they should treat women (its just awful!)
• Go to the GP for a full review - an ADHD referral may take some time but get it done, are you depressed? talk that through and see what can be done locally (iapt services are normally self referral).
• If you struggle with routine get a good app dubii (I think it is) developed by Richard Pink and his wife Roxy (follow them, they are great) - they are both neurodivergent and talk honestly about how that feels - they also talk about coping mechanisms (hence the app).
• Take any job - there are agencies you can walk into - warehouse or shop work - anything to get you back in the job market for your CV and confidence.
• What feedback have you got from your interviews? as an interviewer I would also be questioning why with your experience you may want the job - but it wouldn’t stop me from giving it to you if you were the right person for it? so whats been said?

Finally, if they don’t like your cooking your entitled kids and husband can learn to cook themselves (I am sure your guests loved your cooking) - and you do really need to think about the divorce offer- do you really want to remain married to this nasty, bully!!!

I’m sure those motivations from childhood are insightful. However, the more recent changes in his personality etc do worry me that he is under acute stress. I don’t think the way he is acting is ok but I do question why things have changed so much.

Married for 25 years… Together 30.
One slight drip feed: I notice his social media feed has become increasingly alt-right. He fell asleep the other night with his phone running some site with the word ‘illuminati’. He’s gone from being a mild Lib Dem/Labour/ on occasion soft Tory to openly admiring Trump and Musk.

I’m very open minded about people’s political views and I can understand how the domination of the centrists has led to some cynicism but I just can’t get on board with the tech bro vision of the world. Due to my background, I’ve always interrogated the information before me. I think he fails to do that (doesn’t read books at all, never versed in the humanities etc) but seems to have recently swallowed all conspiracy theories. I can see how that’s very plausible in the current shit show of a world. But I also fear this is turning him into an arsehole.

If that's his alignment, I'd have thought he'd be more in favour of you being a SAHM and housewife, although admittedly only so that he could wield financial control and feel like he owns everyone.

I’ve been out of ‘proper’ work (do the odd bit of freelance) for about the same length of time and my husband has been nothing but supportive and encouraging. The job market is absolutely diabolical right now, I have two degrees and a bunch of experience but couldn’t even get a job at my local supermarket or bookshop.

You have a job problem, yes, but more than that you have a DH problem. No matter how ‘stressed’ he is about being the sole wage earner, there is no excuse for his insults and treating you so poorly.

I’ve given up with spending hours cooking DH family are getting a Cook lasagne on Mother’s Day like it or lump it.

Fwiw dds state 6th form is chock full of teens from all the local privates so that’s clearly a well trodden path. The trouble makers have largely left and classes are smaller anyway so not sure what you are paying for after 16 if it’s a struggle financially that’s a natural break

What does he actually expect from you ? He wants you to participate, so how does he expect this next job to land in your lap? You are trying to get work, but it's not that easy....
What if you got a job in a pub? or in TKMax? would that shut him up?
Honestly I think he is just jealous that you are not working, so are therefore, "sponging". Which is not fair, not true & actually, he knows it.
I would be giving him a wake up call? He is not to criticise you infront of DC & friends, he has never been in your shoes. I wonder how fast he would find a job at his age if he got made redundant?
He doesn't like your cooking, or the mess his DC make, then he can cook & he can tell his DC to tidy up.
You are not failing, he is just bitter & has a boring brainless job that gives him no challenge & no pleasure, it is making him into a miserable old bully.

I think people sometimes make a mistake, over extend with their money, but because it’s in the socially acceptable way they don’t realise. A salary of 250k is meant to mean a certain level of comfort in life so that you can outsource things and focus on the job and recharging. I don’t mean flashy designer clothes and brand new cars - but it should mean you can shop wherever’s most convenient and not wherever is cheapest, it should mean you can go and have a haircut when you feel like one, you should be able to have a house in good condition and if cleaning is a complete dread to pay for a cleaner.
If you add everything up is all of the money accounted for? Are you certain of your husband’s salary? Do the kids need all the expensive hobbies? Assuming the money is not disappearing somewhere else, those school fees are killing you and your marriage. Can you move the kids somewhere cheaper? Can you cut some extracurriculars? Constant budgeting of every penny is absolutely mentally exhausting regardless of your household income.
Secondly, regardless of whether your husband is drained and hates his job/resents you for following your passions. He is an adult who made his own choices. You don’t sound like someone who told him: “have this career or else”, you don’t sound like you told him he can never change the path he’s on. I presume the private schools were a joint decision and still should’ve been discussed when you lost your job. Not being able to retire early with that salary is his lack of planning, it has nothing to do with you. Yes, you lost your job it was up to him to account for that in his plans when new one wasn’t coming up. There is absolutely no reason him (or your kids) should be treating you the way they are. Has this started in the last 2yrs or has it been going for longer just looked different?
OP you need to regain some self respect- you are not stupid, bad parent or a failure - and next time he says that to you or the kids just simply say: “No, I’m not” and walkaway with your head held high. You do the invisible load clearly - the mess in the house is down to everyone in that house, sure you do bulk, as your home, but they all need to clean after themselves. They don’t like your cooking - they can cook, nothing stopping any of them (honestly, I’d have dropped it after 2nd comment in that style). Putting in boundaries about how they all address you, how you’re a wife and mother not a servant (and honestly if someone worked in a paid role was treated like you are MN would be telling her to go find another job away from the abusive employer) will create the mental space for you to think what you want and how can you achieve it. Can you go back to your old career? Do you even want to? Is ageism going to be a real blocker here (we can get into debates of how it shouldn’t be, but it doesn’t change the reality)? What else would you like to do? Can you do consulting (freelance can be perfect for some ND people and absolute nightmare for others)? Can you use your skills in a job that will be a side step? But foremost you need to regain faith in yourself as this is what will get you hired.

Am very open to state sixth form and have discussed it with DC. A lot of the selective state sixth forms are now making it more tricky for private school kids to go though as they’ve had a stampede since VAT on fees came in.

If DC were younger I would move to a less pressured country. I am quite inefficient at anything practical but give something seemingly insurmountable and to solve or someone difficult to convince and I will do it in record time.

I do cook every day. The dinner party menu was quite ambitious and seasonal (for me) but perhaps the execution wasn’t amazing.

DC screamed at my the other day about what I had made for dinner and said ‘I wanted X! Why don’t you ever make X?’ So I made it last night and she screamed ‘I told you I didn’t want you to make X!’

This is very blunt however I do largely agree with this sorry.

I definitely have empathy for your work situation. The job market is shocking at the moment and you have my sympathies. However, if you can find coping strategies for high flying work, then you can also do that for running a house.

If the shoe was on the other foot and the female was working and the bloke at home doing nothing, most people on here would be crucifying him right now. This place can be extremely hypocritical sometimes.