Going away overnight . Who pays?

[mamstomes]

I’m seeing a man for the last month. We’ve had five dates and we’re going away overnight at the weekend so moving onto the next level, so to speak.
He invited me, organised it and has also organised a type of activity for the first afternoon.
I definitely have issues surrounding money as I find it hard to accept generosity. He has insisted on paying for dinners, lunches etc to date but I have also treated him to lunch despite much protesting. I live to be treated but find it uncomfortable .
who pays for this break and how would you broach it? I have not dated in years and am old!!!!

If he invited you, and chose the location, accommodation and activity, then I think you’re safe to assume that he’s paying. However, I’d offer to drive or pay for the meals once you’re there.

Ask him? Just say 'what's my share?' and if he says it's on him then you can offer to pay for meals if you don't want to be beholden to him.

"What do I owe for our weekend away together?"

I would definitely insist on paying half of everything at this stage.

You've only been together a few weeks, why would you risk a 'money power imbalance'?

That’s exactly
point.. I dont want a money / power imbalance but feel so uncomfortable talking about money that I used to over pay and was used for that. I’ve down the work in coaching. I just need to apply it in real life now! I was always main earner and married to a tight man who had no issue taking the piss but as long as it wasn’t his own money .

I’d pay for one of the meals you have while away.

I wouldn’t feel the need to bank transfer a contribution.

I’d say you split it, or seeing as he organised it maybe he pays for the hotel but you pay for dinner for example. I’d just mention it in a casual way

50/50.

I always think letting the man pay instils gender roles. And then look how many threads on here have complaints of men that don’t do half of the domestic load.

I like to do equal shares of all things to avoid that.

Posted twice.

Then you need to be more assertive when he insists on paying for all the dinners etc.

Tell him how important it is to you and that from now on, you'll only be going to dinner/lunch if it's 50/50.

Start as you mean to go on and if he refuses to listen, you have a problem.

Exactly. Especially if, as the OP implies, they have possibly not slept together yet, and the weekend away is going to involve a mutual expectation of sex. I wouldn’t want to be doing that in a room someone else had paid for.

I would expect him to pay as he’s organised the weekend away, but I would offer to pay for a really nice dinner.

Best to ask what your share would be & be prepared to pay 50%.

When my <now> DH & me had been dating for about 6 months he suggested a weekend away in a nice hotel. Previously we'd paid 50/50 when we went out. I looked up the cost of a weekend in his hotel to see what my half was likely to be & it was over £500. I'd had an expensive couple of months & said that I couldn't afford to pay my half, but he said it was his treat.

I did pay the bar bill though.

I don't think I'd like him paying for everything. There will be a huge expectation of sex and he might be really shit in the sack or there may be some other incompatibility issues that means you don't want to continue the relationship afterwards.

You probably should have a chat.

You are doing the pendulum swing thing. One extreme to another.

You had a man who would not put his hand in his pocket.
Now you have a man who seems overly generous (for the age and stage of your relationship).
Understandably confusing.

Stop the pendulum and centre yourself.

“Hi Date - looking forward to our weekend away. Please let me know my share of the costs as I’d like to transfer this to you asap.”

I think the reason it is really important discussed upfront is because to some men (not all), weekend away equals sex. So if you are ok with that - not an issue at all. However, for me personally, I feel more empowered to decline sex that I may not want if I know that I am on even ground financially ie I don't owe anyone anything.

That’s not to say you cant decline sex if you let him pay it all.

I am just saying I feel much better when I know that it has all been equitable - especially in a very new relationship. Later on, I definitely don’t mind being treated!

Just ask him!! "Jon, let me know what I owe you for the weekend so far"
If you don't like him always paying, then speak up. Say you would like to pay for this or that or whatever. Dont overthink or over complicate things!

Imo booking an overnight place so soon is cheeky of him anyway, assuming you haven't already slept together. So I'd blooming well expect him to pay.

You can offer to pay for a meal when you are away or something. Or just bring the snacks for the road. Make up a flask and some sandwiches. Show care in the little things like that.

I really wish women would stop this 'oh I don't want to let him pay for everything' bullshit. If he wants to pay, let him. It's what they are supposed to do. It doesn't mean you owe him your body. It doesn't make you a gold digger. Not unless you take the piss and expect him to pay beyond his means or take you to the ritz or something.

Let them pay. It's a patriarchy. Until we are paid equal and treated equal, take advantage of every benefit afforded to you. This splitting everything nonsense makes it crap for all women because it gives weak blokes even more space to be sub par. Biggest trick of the patriarchy to convince us that it's feminism to pay your share.

He asked me if I’d like to go away and I jumped at the chance . I’m only dying to sleep with him !!
It’s the money I have an issue with and I certainly don’t feel pressure from him. If anything, it’s me chomping at the bit to be away together !

I should add that our teens and adult children live with us at weekends and holidays so our privacy is limited

He's invited you, he is paying. If I were you I would pay for dinner.

I wouldn’t offer to pay, it may spoil the moment, but offer to pay for dinner. If all goes well, hope so, you can offer to pay for the next weekend away.

I find people can be quite grabby with things like this and quite tight, for me it’s you split it. I don’t see it as he invited so you’re onto a freebie. If my friends say let’s go away for the weekend I don’t take that as they are paying. It’s a feeble excuse to be grabby and tight.

I wouldn't be wanting to spend the night in a hotel with someone I'd only been seeing a few weeks and not slept with before. I get that you want to sleep with him and I've slept with men much sooner, but I do hope he's not a murderer or really shit in bed and you are stuck with a crap shag for 12 hours. Aside from that, just ask what you owe and see what he says.

He is

Then tell him you won't be going until he gives you his bank details?

I'm not sure if I'm getting the impression you protest too much, but take no action to change anything.

If this is as important to you as you say, then double down on it.