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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Going away overnight . Who pays?

168 replies

mamstomes · 10/03/2026 10:04

I’m seeing a man for the last month. We’ve had five dates and we’re going away overnight at the weekend so moving onto the next level, so to speak.
He invited me, organised it and has also organised a type of activity for the first afternoon.
I definitely have issues surrounding money as I find it hard to accept generosity. He has insisted on paying for dinners, lunches etc to date but I have also treated him to lunch despite much protesting. I live to be treated but find it uncomfortable .
who pays for this break and how would you broach it? I have not dated in years and am old!!!!

OP posts:
moderate · 10/03/2026 14:15

Pyjamatimenow · 10/03/2026 14:08

I’m sure he’ll be ok. Modern man can go find a modern girl to take to the cinema then can’t he?

I expect he’ll survive, yes. I expect she would have survived without being a dick about it too.

toodleoothen · 10/03/2026 14:24

mamstomes · 10/03/2026 10:16

That’s exactly
point.. I dont want a money / power imbalance but feel so uncomfortable talking about money that I used to over pay and was used for that. I’ve down the work in coaching. I just need to apply it in real life now! I was always main earner and married to a tight man who had no issue taking the piss but as long as it wasn’t his own money .

Don't leave too much unsaid on money issues early on - it becomes a habit, and will lead to expectations/resentment. Just discuss it and sort it out. Personally, I would just split the costs, and do occasional treats for each other as gifts. Much more balanced, and no gender and other power dynamics at play.

BauhausOfEliott · 10/03/2026 14:28

Just say “How much do I owe towards the hotel?” and if he says “Nothing, my treat” say “That’s really kind of you! You must let me pay for the dinner though”

Miyagi99 · 10/03/2026 14:43

I always go halves unless it’s an obvious gift (birthday etc).

Badbadbunny · 10/03/2026 15:06

toodleoothen · 10/03/2026 14:24

Don't leave too much unsaid on money issues early on - it becomes a habit, and will lead to expectations/resentment. Just discuss it and sort it out. Personally, I would just split the costs, and do occasional treats for each other as gifts. Much more balanced, and no gender and other power dynamics at play.

Exactly. Communication is the key with EVERY aspect of a relationship. It pains me when I keep seeing posts on here and other SM where one party to the relationship struggles with talking about things like money, sex, etc. You really need to have open communication about everything right from day one. Otherwise you're setting yourself up for problems as you get more involved with each other and that makes it harder to split.

Nothing wrong with the OP wanting to pay half, nothing wrong with her partner wanting to pay the whole amount. Nothing wrong with the OP not wanting to pay at all and nothing wrong with the partner expecting her to pay half. But they need to communicate properly. If they're on the same page, wonderful, but if there's a mismatch in expectations, they've got the makings of a problem. Better to know there's a problem early on so they can communicate and negotiate to find a compromise or they can agree there's no future in the relationship and walk away from each other.

As we see upthread, some posters expect the partner to pay for weekends away, some want to pay half. Neither is right, neither is wrong. It's different people wanting to do things different ways. That's fine. But they need to find a partner who agrees with them as to how they BOTH prefer it to be. If there's a mismatch, it's game over.

SeekingPerspective · 10/03/2026 15:25

Absolutely, its about clear communication, exactly because not talking about something is also a form of communication, just not the open kind you really want to see in a relationship.

My preference is always to 'take turns to plan and pay' because then inequality in budgets and in preferences can be smoothed over without any embarrassment.

Saying I'll cover dinner, especially in a fancy hotel can mean that you are letting yourself in for a really significant cost. No one wants to look at the menu and feel panic about what the bill might come to, or equally not enjoy what should be a treat because it's not in your budget.

Much better to 'let' the person choosing and booking that venue, who will have some idea of the budget required pay, and then you choose something different. Having one chose and the other pay just adds so much complexity .

My solution works best for me, as between two independent, solvent adults with their own ideas of what they want to spend their own money on. If you are seizing each other up as potential parents, then I think the situation really is very different. 50:50 doesn't really work if one of you is going to have the babies, and all that that entails about impact on your body, your earning capacity, pension etc.

Badbadbunny · 10/03/2026 15:36

@SeekingPerspective

My solution works best for me, as between two independent, solvent adults with their own ideas of what they want to spend their own money on. If you are seizing each other up as potential parents, then I think the situation really is very different. 50:50 doesn't really work if one of you is going to have the babies, and all that that entails about impact on your body, your earning capacity, pension etc.

Yes, it has to be part of the extensive/serious discussions about marriage and/or having children and/or buying a home together, as that's a much bigger commitment that WILL need a completely different financial outlook then a couple who are dating, going away for weekends/holidays, otherwise living separately. I think there will be different "solutions" for different life stages, but it's best to have open communication about all that right from the early days. Even before talking about the finances of parenthood, you need to have serious discussions about other aspects of parenthood, i.e. do you both even want children together, your relative opinions of education types, how to nurture your children etc.

Me and DH certainly had "the talk" about children the moment we seemed to be getting serious about each other which was, roughly, after I'd known him around six months. If we'd not been on the same page about children, I would have ended our relationship at that point. It wasn't until we'd known each other for 15 years that we actually had a child, so it was very much "long term" planning, but that was exactly what we had agreed at the six month stage, i.e. that, yes, we both wanted a child/children, but that neither of us wanted one until we'd established our relative careers/businesses, travelled extensively, married, bought a home together, and that I'd be a SAHM for the first few years at least. We'd tentatively suggested around 30 years old would be about right for us and in the end it was a bit later as our marriage/home plans got delayed, but we got there in the end.

In our case it was definitely 50:50 for the first few years, but we both knew that it would change when we got married, bought our home, had a child etc. and it morphed in the intervening years during which we were definitely "a couple" but not actually married/living together etc, so rather than a specific change at a specific event, we kind of just merged things as the years passed.

Naunet · 10/03/2026 16:06

Notdanishsusan · 10/03/2026 10:18

50/50.

I always think letting the man pay instils gender roles. And then look how many threads on here have complaints of men that don’t do half of the domestic load.

I like to do equal shares of all things to avoid that.

Whilst I agree with 50/50, there is no correlation between this and men stepping up. Women who pay their share, work full time etc, are statistically still doing most of the domestic labour. Just because women step up, it doesn't mean men will, and it just leaves us even worse off.

Justthethingsthatyoudointhisgarden · 10/03/2026 18:25

5 dates and your going away for the weekend? Won't respect the fact you like to pay your way?

This whole vibe makes me think A) love bombing B) controlling.

category12 · 10/03/2026 18:51

I think knowing you're not reliant on him to get home is more important than who pays. Who's driving?

This. ^ How are you getting there? If it goes pear-shaped, will you be able to just leave?

I think just offer to pay half and see what he says. You can always treat him next time.

FacingtheSun · 10/03/2026 19:29

Naunet · 10/03/2026 16:06

Whilst I agree with 50/50, there is no correlation between this and men stepping up. Women who pay their share, work full time etc, are statistically still doing most of the domestic labour. Just because women step up, it doesn't mean men will, and it just leaves us even worse off.

So don’t marry and/or have children with a knuckledragger. I made it very clear before we had a child that I wouldn’t be stepping back at work, and that DH was going to have to either reduce his hours or get a more family-friendly job if we were going to have a child.

Sally2791 · 11/03/2026 06:14

Make sure you have a conversation about money that you are comfortable with. Otherwise can lead to a power imbalance, albeit subtle

HappyClapper100 · 11/03/2026 07:10

Pyjamatimenow · 10/03/2026 12:00

I agree with this. Women are giving men it too easy these days. Destroys all the romance insisting on paying. I’ve never been asked to split a bill by a man. If they asked I would pay and not see them again. I saw a fabulous insta video yesterday were a young woman was saying a guy asked her to split at the cinema. He booked his regular ticket and she booked herself a seat in the VIP area and walked off.

What are they "giving"?

Pyjamatimenow · 11/03/2026 07:59

HappyClapper100 · 11/03/2026 07:10

What are they "giving"?

Their time and affection, fertile years, access to their bodies, emotional support, domestic labour, children…

Brightlittlecanary · 11/03/2026 08:10

Pyjamatimenow · 11/03/2026 07:59

Their time and affection, fertile years, access to their bodies, emotional support, domestic labour, children…

Omg what am I reading, women are not some subservient body there to serve men, we are not giving this, it should always be a partnership not some labour thay needs paying for.

TwistedWonder · 11/03/2026 08:20

Brightlittlecanary · 11/03/2026 08:10

Omg what am I reading, women are not some subservient body there to serve men, we are not giving this, it should always be a partnership not some labour thay needs paying for.

Agree. And to put this on every bloke they choose to go on a first date with JFC.

It’s still all about the contents of a wallet for done women even in 2026.

Brightlittlecanary · 11/03/2026 08:25

TwistedWonder · 11/03/2026 08:20

Agree. And to put this on every bloke they choose to go on a first date with JFC.

It’s still all about the contents of a wallet for done women even in 2026.

It’s shocking anyone is so transactional in a relationship and perceives themself as paid for labour like this.

moderate · 11/03/2026 08:54

Pyjamatimenow · 11/03/2026 07:59

Their time and affection, fertile years, access to their bodies, emotional support, domestic labour, children…

All of which should instead be transacted for money, otherwise it “destroys all the romance”.

Got it.

CheddarCheeseAndCrispSandwich · 11/03/2026 08:56

Sodthesystem · 10/03/2026 10:42

Imo booking an overnight place so soon is cheeky of him anyway, assuming you haven't already slept together. So I'd blooming well expect him to pay.

You can offer to pay for a meal when you are away or something. Or just bring the snacks for the road. Make up a flask and some sandwiches. Show care in the little things like that.

I really wish women would stop this 'oh I don't want to let him pay for everything' bullshit. If he wants to pay, let him. It's what they are supposed to do. It doesn't mean you owe him your body. It doesn't make you a gold digger. Not unless you take the piss and expect him to pay beyond his means or take you to the ritz or something.

Let them pay. It's a patriarchy. Until we are paid equal and treated equal, take advantage of every benefit afforded to you. This splitting everything nonsense makes it crap for all women because it gives weak blokes even more space to be sub par. Biggest trick of the patriarchy to convince us that it's feminism to pay your share.

Edited

😂😂😂😂 fuck me!! A flask and a snappy-bag of sandwiches!!!

Jesus Christ…what planet and century are you from??

I don’t think I’ve heard such bullshit gender stereotyping in years! Not sure whether to laugh or cry at your take on this to be honest. I’m in my 60s and, even at my ripe old age, have too much respect for myself (and all women) to behave like you’re suggesting!!

mamstomes · 11/03/2026 09:01

I expect that if I pulled up with a flask and sandwiches he would rightly throw me out of the car 🤣🤣🤣🤣

OP posts:
Pyjamatimenow · 11/03/2026 09:04

moderate · 11/03/2026 08:54

All of which should instead be transacted for money, otherwise it “destroys all the romance”.

Got it.

Get over yourself. Honestly. If a man can’t be bothered to buy a woman dinner, and take her away for a nice weekend, he’s not worth having.

2026Y · 11/03/2026 09:04

CheddarCheeseAndCrispSandwich · 11/03/2026 08:56

😂😂😂😂 fuck me!! A flask and a snappy-bag of sandwiches!!!

Jesus Christ…what planet and century are you from??

I don’t think I’ve heard such bullshit gender stereotyping in years! Not sure whether to laugh or cry at your take on this to be honest. I’m in my 60s and, even at my ripe old age, have too much respect for myself (and all women) to behave like you’re suggesting!!

To be fair my OH is always delighted by sandwiches and a flask 😂

He had the good grace to hide these frugal tendencies from me while we were dating though 😂

TheCurious0range · 11/03/2026 09:04

Offer to pay half, I suspect he'll decline, based on his behaviour so far, if so I'd insist on paying for dinner etc while away. I don't need to be kept and yes it's nice to be treated but that works both ways

Pyjamatimenow · 11/03/2026 09:06

mamstomes · 11/03/2026 09:01

I expect that if I pulled up with a flask and sandwiches he would rightly throw me out of the car 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Yep. You’re not 85 presumably. God there’s some real passion killer suggestions on this thread. All you have to do is turn up, make an effort with your appearance and if he likes you he’ll be more than happy. You’re massively overthinking

HappyClapper100 · 11/03/2026 13:30

Pyjamatimenow · 11/03/2026 07:59

Their time and affection, fertile years, access to their bodies, emotional support, domestic labour, children…

Why is this different for men?

They give the same things.

You realise that a lot of women enjoy sex so it isn't something that they do for men and have to endure. They desire it, too, and receive pleasure

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