Going away overnight . Who pays?

[mamstomes]

I’m seeing a man for the last month. We’ve had five dates and we’re going away overnight at the weekend so moving onto the next level, so to speak.
He invited me, organised it and has also organised a type of activity for the first afternoon.
I definitely have issues surrounding money as I find it hard to accept generosity. He has insisted on paying for dinners, lunches etc to date but I have also treated him to lunch despite much protesting. I live to be treated but find it uncomfortable .
who pays for this break and how would you broach it? I have not dated in years and am old!!!!

What moment?

This can all be sorted out today.

Sometimes hotels are a risk as pp pointed out. Crappy shags amongst other reasons. But unfortunately a necessity in some living arrangements so hey-ho, if you're really into him hopefully it'll go good. Have you seen what's under the shirt already? That's usually a help. Don't want to get there and find has bacne 😆

We split everything 50/50 and have done from the start.

Sometimes it feels almost too clinical, but I have come to realise that if you don't, there will always be someone who gains (and loses) and very often that comes at a price, even if you're getting free trips.

I’d insist on paying for dinner and if it goes as well as hoped you pay for the next trip

I would be expecting to pay half, even if he organised the trip. Yes, he very well may pay, but I wouldn't like to just assume. Your best bet is to say 'let me know how much I owe you for my half of the accommodation/activity'.

I would definitely tell him you want to split the cost. Only fair surely as it's a new relationship.

I wouldn’t insist on a bank transfer, just pay for things like dinners when you’re there to make it even ish.

I’d ask can I contribute towards the hotel and activity and if he says no then I’d offer to pay for food/ drinks.

‘Alexa, how do I perpetuate gender stereotypes?’

If I was going for a dirty weekend and the object of my desire produced a flask and a packet of ham sandwiches I think my ovaries would shrivel up.

OP, a quick text saying, ‘Bob, what do I owe you for the hotel? Let me know and I’ll ping it over’ should suffice.

As most others have said I would just ask him what you need to transfer to him for your share. If he tells you it’s his treat, then insist upon buying dinner and drinks.

Set the tone now that you don’t expect him to pay and that you’re willing to put your hand in your pocket. If he’s a decent man he’ll want to treat you but also let you offer to treat him back.

I’m not suggesting you feel ‘pressurised’! Only that, as you’ve only had a handful of dates and that, as this weekend will be by far the longest time you’ve spent together, it’s perfectly possibly you’ll see him differently by the end of it. Apart from anything else, sex is often very telling as a window into what someone is like. Or (as has happened to me), he’s a great guy, but sexually you’re completely incompatible, or he’s bad in bed.

Given all these variables, I’d rather be staying in a hotel room I’d paid half of.

I’d just ask how much my share is, wouldn’t want him to think I’m expecting him to pay. If he insisted on paying then I’d insist on paying for dinner

Very much this.

I think knowing you're not reliant on him to get home is more important than who pays. Who's driving?

That said, I can't imagine any early relationship where things are so unequal. One or both of you will start feeling like to "owe" him if you keep letting him "insist" on paying for everything.

Tell him that you'll only go if you can pay half or if he agrees that you pay for the next weekend break.

Remember that men who don't respect your boundaries, regardless if they're flashing the cash, are a red flag.

there are a number of ways of splitting the cost, it doesn't much matter which one you go for IMO so long as both parties are clear about any expectations.

The most important part for me is I would however pay close attention to how any such "negotiation" goes, as it will at least provide clues on how things will go in future and most likely provide a microcosm of how a lot of your negotiations will go.

My preferred response is pretty much always that he is happy to pay and work it however i want to do it. Once you have that established, then you can work out the details however suits you.

I insisted 50/50 for the first two dates, I then invited him to mine (and cooked) so accepted him paying in full the following night. After that we took turns mostly but he pays for big ticket items as earned many times my salary, we now are married but I still take my turn paying for drinks or pick up things from my account out of principle, I’m not a kept woman, he’d give me money if I needed it but I like my independence

Yes. I think you have to wonder why anyone would insist on paying more than their share. They're not doing it for no reason. Even if it's only because he "likes" to, why is that? Why does it make him feel good to be paying for you?¹

Just message him. "Let me know what I owe you for the hotel stay."

If he says he's paying then personally I'd tell him that's very nice of him and that you'll pay for dinner.

If you feel comfortable enough to spend the night with him then you also need to feel comfortable enough to talk about money.

It's ok to be treated. I think a generous partner is much better than someone who accounts for every penny and splitting every bill 50/50. You can keep things even financially by also treating him when you want to.

Have a lovely weekend.

Depends, if he has just booked a place without consulting you then I would assume he wants to pay. If I was paying half, I would want a say in where we stayed + of course the budget.

I would probably pay for dinner as others are saying, as long as he was happy to go somewhere within my budget.

But if you want to pay then ask him, hey I want to pay something towards the weekend, how much has it all cost?

I would want to split it. If he has booked accommodation and an activity, I’d insist on paying for dinner and drinks.

I hope you have the best time ever!!!!!!’

I prefer to pay my way, but if he has suggested and booked it, and not suggested you split it, you have to assume he’s happy to pay the hotel and activity.

Just ask him what you owe, and if he says nothing then tell him that dinner’s on you and you don’t want any arguing about it!

Well he's obviously happy but according to the OP, she isn't.

Although I do think she's sending mixed messages here by not being firmer.

They've been dating a few weeks and so far, he's paid for everything except one lunch.

When my elderly dad used to insist on paying for dinner, we'd have a quiet word with the waiting staff and get them to bring the card reader to one of us.

He’s paying for the hotel etc but I’d buy a meal and drinks etc