Going away overnight . Who pays?

[mamstomes]

I’m seeing a man for the last month. We’ve had five dates and we’re going away overnight at the weekend so moving onto the next level, so to speak.
He invited me, organised it and has also organised a type of activity for the first afternoon.
I definitely have issues surrounding money as I find it hard to accept generosity. He has insisted on paying for dinners, lunches etc to date but I have also treated him to lunch despite much protesting. I live to be treated but find it uncomfortable .
who pays for this break and how would you broach it? I have not dated in years and am old!!!!

This. I’ve been in your shoes, married to a tight man. Then I met my now dh, our kids were younger than yours. After a couple of months he wanted to take me away. It was always him taking me, I think I offered to contribute but knowing him now, he was never going to let me. I was a skint single mother and he had no money worries.

20 years later and now my dh, he’s still the most loving, generous person I’ve ever known to everyone he loves and our wider community. Op just be happy you’ve met someone like this.

Let them pay. It's a patriarchy. Until we are paid equal and treated equal, take advantage of every benefit afforded to you. This splitting everything nonsense makes it crap for all women because it gives weak blokes even more space to be sub par. Biggest trick of the patriarchy to convince us that it's feminism to pay your way

FFS. Unbelievable!!

For you, but the rest of us are treated equal, I earn more than my male colleagues, genuinely and am an equal to any man, I pay my way, and proud of it. I am wirh my husband, any any man I was wirh before him on an equal footing;

im not some feeble woman, I do half the chores at home, half the childcare, expect love and affection to go both ways. I don’t need paying for. And I don’t decide if a man is worth having based on if he will pay foe my company.

but you do you.

I am paid equal in fact more and I’m treated equal, I wouldn’t allow anything less. I don’t give a shit about sub par blokes as they don’t get near me, so don’t give a shit what it gives them license to do. I’m not here to make sub par blokes behave for women who go with them. Thays on them; not me.

I know it’s like the 1950’s called and what their outdated attitude back.
I struggle to believe women still behave like this in 2026. It’s like the criteria they judge a man be is purely the contents of his wallet

I agree. When I first met my now DH, I earned more and had more savings! Over time, that position changed and he became the higher earner and had more savings by the time we got married and bought a house. Throughout the time we first met, we always paid 50-50 except for birthdays and Xmas and anniversaries etc. Once we were engaged and approaching marriage and buying the house, we'd got joint accounts and so we just paid for things out of the joint account, so it no longer mattered who paid for what, but that was several years after we met.

It wasn't even on my radar that I'd give him "benefits" in return for him paying for stuff. What an antiquated attitude. If he got "benefits" it was because I benefitted too! I've never "laid back and thought of England" and wouldn't do it as, quite frankly, I've never needed to, as I've always been an independent person and never "needed" a man - happy with doing things on my own or with friends etc - I'd only have a boyfriend if it enhanced my life, not for money etc, so at first it was basically to have someone for days out, holidays, etc (that I always paid half towards!) - i.e. more of a life companion, but obviously there were "fringe benefits" of having a man, but more for my enjoyment than his!!

Sadly there are still some (too many) women who just regard men as a meal ticket and "give in" to them accordingly. Utterly awful given we're in an age of equality etc.

It's presumably a self-fulfilling prophecy: you end up getting the kind of transactional relationship you believe is inevitable.

Exactly. Good post.

And there nothing to say that you 'making it clear' will mean shit once you actually have a baby.

Men lie. They'll happily say they're fine with that and then screw you over.

Lots of abuse starts when women get pregnant.

It's all very well going 'choose better' but realistically that's a very ignorant point.

Realistically the smart thing to do would be- never have babies with men (unless you are independently wealthy and it's not tied to holding onto your current job) never move in with men without an alternative place you can leave to in a moments notice. Never put your money in a joint account. Never marry. Never trust a word they say wholeheartedly. Live like that then come back and smirk at other women for choosing the wrong men.

If you have a kid with a guy, you have risked more than many betrayed and abused women already. You aren't smarter than them.

I’m a bit weird around money too having been in a marriage where I paid for everything. I would probably offer to pay for the hotel then if/when he says no, you could then offer to pay half? Or if he won’t agree to that, then say you’ll pay for the meal?

I’ve been seeing someone a similar amount of time, we’ve not been away but been to a couple of gigs. He paid for the first one, but when he suggested another, I insisted on paying. That was agreed over messages then when it was brought up in conversation later, I just said I didn’t want him thinking he had to pay for everything and it was fine x

Gosh that’s a bit bitter.

Also, never stroke a dog in case it bites your hand off. Never cross the road in case you get run over by a bus. Never drink water in case it's poisoned. Never start a business in case it doesn't succeed. Never fall in love in case you get your heart broken. Never smile in case someone thinks you look a fool.

It's difficult, isn't it? We women fight for equality so it's only fair that we should share the expense... On the other hand, we like to be treated and it's sort of traditional for the man to... I think, seeing as he's organised it, I'd accept him paying but then I'd pay for meals, drinks, offer something towards petrol. Or, if it goes well, plan and pay for the next outing.

When I went away with a guy I’d just started recently dating it was kind of organised by both of us. He suggested the location and I found a hotel there. I chose to pay for the hotel because I knew he was paying for all meals, activities and also the petrol for his car. It worked out he paid slightly more , probably 60/40.

If there was a situation where he made me uncomfortable I wanted to have the option to kick him out the hotel, so that’s partly why I paid for it and only put my name on the booking. He was a decent guy so had no real concerns, but it’s just a precaution I thought I’d take and wasn’t keen on letting him pay for the whole thing at that stage.

If you really are such good match and it's going swimmingly then HE PAYS for ALL or most of it. As you will probably be spending all your time together and surrendering to each other. If on the other hand it's just a mates arrangement then 50/50. If you are a proper couple and surrendering, the 50/50 arrangement is like A HOOKEE PAYING HERSELF TO GET LAID.

Is this supposed to be satire?

wtf am I reading.

You’d hope so.

Who's 'surrendering'? You have a weird idea about relationships!

So an adult woman having consensual sex on a weekend away is on par with a hooker? Right oh then

A weekend away after 5 dates? Nothing kills the romantic buzz faster than walking into a bathroom in the morning after someone else has used it😷

We’ve had the chat and he suggested that this night away is his treat and that all going well the next one can be my shout so it’s worked out well. I guess I’ll pay for dinner and drinks while away this time and bring treats.

Except all the studies show that women are still having to do most of the work at home as well as working full time.

Plus a lot of these men expect women to wear a new dress on each date, nails done, hair done etc,

I don't think paying for dates/nights away in the beginning compensates for that inequality though.

Surely it just shores up the worldview that all men have to do is bring money to a relationship?

Makes more sense to expect equal treatment from the beginning than to be wooed with spending.

I'd expect a man to dress smartly and shave/trim etc on a date as well. Obviously women are held to higher beauty standards, but if he's not making an effort in that department as well, he'd fail that filter. We're both auditioning each other.