Going away overnight . Who pays?

[mamstomes]

I’m seeing a man for the last month. We’ve had five dates and we’re going away overnight at the weekend so moving onto the next level, so to speak.
He invited me, organised it and has also organised a type of activity for the first afternoon.
I definitely have issues surrounding money as I find it hard to accept generosity. He has insisted on paying for dinners, lunches etc to date but I have also treated him to lunch despite much protesting. I live to be treated but find it uncomfortable .
who pays for this break and how would you broach it? I have not dated in years and am old!!!!

well it certainly reads that way, you keep trying fk explain how you take a risk meeting men, the risk is all yours so men need to pay for your time to recognise this risk you take,

we don’t take that risk, we are capable of speaking to men, meeting them in public places, getting to know them, before going someplace alone with them

if you feel you are at risk meeting men, then meet in public, if you still feel the sort of men you are agreeing to meet will assualt you in public, so you need paying to take that risk, then I’d say you need to stop dating.

ive never once felt I’m taking a risk by meeting a man in a coffee shop bar or restaurant and such a risk I need paying for. You do. Which is sad for you and the lowlifes you meet.

maybe you need some real life support? Do you have any?

But surely these are completely separate issues to who pays for a date?

I don't want to do most of the work at home so I don't. It's easy not to. (Top tip, be a lazy slattern.)

I cba with a high-maintenance look that involves getting my hair and nails done for every date so I actively wanted to filter out men who expected that (and it was pretty easy to find men who didn't care at all).

And separately from all that, I wanted to be treated as an equal from the word go, and to not fall into gender stereotypes, so I insisted on 50/50 payment on all dates.

I'm unclear how letting a man pay for my dinner would have balanced out the fact that other women feel the need to glam up or do all the chores.

"Respecting you as a woman" doesn't equal paying for a date though. That looks transactional, paternalistic and like men's contribution to the (potential) relationship should be money, to me.

Respect has very little to do with money and everything to do with attitudes. If you make it about money, then you're saying my time can be bought, my attention can be bought.

No one said they did gannett. People are simply commenting that there is often more of an expectation of women - when going on a date they have the costs of getting their hair done, nails done, new dress, then later down the line doing the child care, the house care and a job.

I can see why many would resent having to pay to look a certain way and then have to pay for their dinner too.

I can see why many would resent having to pay to look a certain way and then have to pay for their dinner too.

But that's a choice. You can buy into having a high maintenance look for dates - or not. If you don't want to dress like that, you don't have to. If the man wants that, he can like it or lump it - you're either on the same page or not.

I never bothered more on a date than I would on a night out with friends.

An expectation from whom? I wouldn't want a man who expected me to look or behave like a Stepford wife anyway, so if I don't meet his expectation it's no great loss to either of us. And no one else's expectations would be remotely relevant.

All of that stuff might be "expected" in some nebulous way but it's all completely optional and it's entirely in every woman's power as to whether she does any of it or not. Yes, societal expectations are strong, but you're not going to get equality without making the effort to refuse the ones you don't want.

So don't get your hair done, nails done, and a new dress to go on a date! Do the same amount of sprucing yourself up that you would expect a decent man to do.

Best to ask what your share would be & be prepared to pay 50%.

Asking him implies that it is his decision. It is not. YOU have a say too.

Who the heck does that to go on a date, get their hair and nails done and buy a new dress??

and what expectation to do the childcare and the house care. Don’t go with losers who expect this of you. Go with someone who will treat you as an equal.

a free meal surely isn’t worth a life time of servitude and domestic service.

I’d offer. Offer again. If he still wants to pay then so be it, but yes, I think you should pay for a meal or make some other kind of gesture while you’re there.

Absolutely, I put in as much effort as I expect a man to put in, and I certainly wouldn’t be with someone who thought paying for me entitled them to treat me like some form of skivvy and I had to do the child and house care.

I’ve never seen a stronger argument for paying your way than that post.

If this one is his treat and your are going to do the next one, doesn’t it get very complicated if you pay for part of it, you mention paying for dinner. That seems overly complicated to me.

much better he pays all this time and you pay next. That’s a great way of doing it, so you can control how much it costs you. As he did this time round.

enjoy. Sounds like a good way forward to me

@nomas

I can see why many would resent having to pay to look a certain way and then have to pay for their dinner too.

No one forces you to "look a certain way". It's entirely up to you. I never went down that route. Yes, I had "better" clothes for nights out etc, but they were just bog standard clothes from normal shops, nothing high end that I'd wear for a date, or a night out with friends, or works "do's" or Christmas at home or relatives etc - certainly nothing special just for a man! Nor did I ever have a hair-do specifically for a night out - I went to the hairdressers every x weeks for "Normal" life, i.e. work, home, socialising, etc - the ONLY time I ever had a special hair do for a specific event was our wedding! Likewise never bothered with having my nails or eyebrows or waxing etc done professionally - always did it myself and did it whenever I felt it needed doing, never for a date night or other social event. So no, I never spent a penny to look good for a man. For dates etc I'd just look the same as I did for the works Xmas do, or a family birthday party.

How’s that complicated, even a child could work that out. He just pays for dinner next time.

Agree. Personally I hate dinner dates so I’d rather go to a nice cozy pub and no one with any sense is getting their hair and nails done plus buying a new outfit to meet up with a virtual stranger. I mean does anyone really do that in real life?

Yes pick something nice out of the wardrobe and do yourself up to look presentable but who spends silly money getting glammed up for a few hours with a bloke?

Surely most of us have our own style anyway and put in the same effort to look presentable whether we’re on a night out with the girls or a date?

Absolutely, and are they buying a new dress for every single date they go on, getting their hair and nails done; I’ve never met anyone who actually does that.

I’d be fine taking the lead on domestics if he paid for everything! All the money I’d save I could hire a cleaner!

Just ask him.