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Going away overnight . Who pays?

168 replies

mamstomes · 10/03/2026 10:04

I’m seeing a man for the last month. We’ve had five dates and we’re going away overnight at the weekend so moving onto the next level, so to speak.
He invited me, organised it and has also organised a type of activity for the first afternoon.
I definitely have issues surrounding money as I find it hard to accept generosity. He has insisted on paying for dinners, lunches etc to date but I have also treated him to lunch despite much protesting. I live to be treated but find it uncomfortable .
who pays for this break and how would you broach it? I have not dated in years and am old!!!!

OP posts:
Pyjamatimenow · 10/03/2026 11:52

I never paid on dates or overnights during dating period. If he’s invited you, he should be paying.

BillieWiper · 10/03/2026 11:53

He invited you so he should pay for the trip and the activity. To balance it out you should pay for meals/drinks/snacks/evening entertainment?

Going forward maybe you should be a bit more assertive about sharing the cost of your dates. You can insist on paying if he did last time or insist on splitting the bill. Just go up and pay it before he has the chance to argue if it's your turn.

That makes things fair and then if he still wants to treat you a little on top of that accept his kindness. And you'll know that things are usually fairly even so no need to feel guilty.

Epidote · 10/03/2026 11:55

Half each. I doesn't have to go by the penny but if one pay the accommodation the other one pays towards the meals and the activity. If he pays this full treat you pay the next few dates ones or the next weekend.

GreenCaterpillarOnALeaf · 10/03/2026 11:56

Whoever invites pays and most of the time in heterosexual relationships the man does the inviting. Maybe buy some nice treats for when you’re there like nice wine and cheese? Idk whatever you guys like but a small and thoughtful token of appreciation never goes a miss. My DH pays when we go out or go away most of the time, but I do buy him things as well like if I see something cool he would like. Obviously it’s different because we are married.

Girl, let him pay. Let him treat you. He obviously wants to.

Pyjamatimenow · 10/03/2026 12:00

Sodthesystem · 10/03/2026 10:42

Imo booking an overnight place so soon is cheeky of him anyway, assuming you haven't already slept together. So I'd blooming well expect him to pay.

You can offer to pay for a meal when you are away or something. Or just bring the snacks for the road. Make up a flask and some sandwiches. Show care in the little things like that.

I really wish women would stop this 'oh I don't want to let him pay for everything' bullshit. If he wants to pay, let him. It's what they are supposed to do. It doesn't mean you owe him your body. It doesn't make you a gold digger. Not unless you take the piss and expect him to pay beyond his means or take you to the ritz or something.

Let them pay. It's a patriarchy. Until we are paid equal and treated equal, take advantage of every benefit afforded to you. This splitting everything nonsense makes it crap for all women because it gives weak blokes even more space to be sub par. Biggest trick of the patriarchy to convince us that it's feminism to pay your share.

Edited

I agree with this. Women are giving men it too easy these days. Destroys all the romance insisting on paying. I’ve never been asked to split a bill by a man. If they asked I would pay and not see them again. I saw a fabulous insta video yesterday were a young woman was saying a guy asked her to split at the cinema. He booked his regular ticket and she booked herself a seat in the VIP area and walked off.

Tamtim · 10/03/2026 12:03

If he wants to treat you, let him. It’s lovely. You could always ask him how much you owe him for your half and hopefully he says it’s on him. Next time you can treat him.

I hope you have a fantastic time.

MooFroo · 10/03/2026 12:05

If you want to pay your share just pay! Ask him what your share is in a message if that’s easier for you and ask for details to transfer the amount.
done

Pigletin · 10/03/2026 12:05

I really wish women would stop this 'oh I don't want to let him pay for everything' bullshit. If he wants to pay, let him. It's what they are supposed to do.

It's what they are supposed to do. Welcome to the 1950s.

catipuss · 10/03/2026 12:09

You book something and pay next time, don't start quibbling about who pays for what it will just take the shine off. He wants to pay this time fine, you pay next time.

TwistedWonder · 10/03/2026 12:37

Pigletin · 10/03/2026 12:05

I really wish women would stop this 'oh I don't want to let him pay for everything' bullshit. If he wants to pay, let him. It's what they are supposed to do.

It's what they are supposed to do. Welcome to the 1950s.

Yep. I’m 60 and the ‘has penis must pay’ mindset was outdated in my datIng days.

BerryTwister · 10/03/2026 12:39

I remember going away for a weekend with a relatively new boyfriend many years ago. It was my suggestion, and as I'm a generally pro-active (and also quite picky) person, I chose the hotel and booked it. He was very happy to go, and we had a great weekend. We paid 50-50.

If he'd expected it to be a freebie, just because I'd arranged it, I'd have been very pissed off.

Brightlittlecanary · 10/03/2026 12:46

BerryTwister · 10/03/2026 12:39

I remember going away for a weekend with a relatively new boyfriend many years ago. It was my suggestion, and as I'm a generally pro-active (and also quite picky) person, I chose the hotel and booked it. He was very happy to go, and we had a great weekend. We paid 50-50.

If he'd expected it to be a freebie, just because I'd arranged it, I'd have been very pissed off.

This is a good point, I am sure those saying he invited so he pays, would absolutely be pissed off if they suggested it and their boyfriend said well it was your idea so it’s your treat. Or they would never suggest it so they don’t need to pay,

nowayho · 10/03/2026 12:51

I expect the Man to pay

Badbadbunny · 10/03/2026 12:59

We paid for literally everything 50:50 for about the first two years of our relationship. I insisted on paying my way as I wanted to be "equal" in all aspects of our relationship, right from day 1.

For big things, like holidays/hotel stays, we'd do bank transfers between us to equalise. For smaller things like meals, attraction entries, we'd even swap cash or we'd equalise as far as possible by say me paying for the entry fee and he'd pay for meals/snacks etc. If we went on a date to a pub, we'd take turns buying the drinks and made sure we had an equal number during the evening so we'd be "balanced".

The only really "different" thing was petrol - we both had our own cars, and rather than faff around thinking about petrol usage, we had an agreement that depending on whose car we used, the other would buy/bring the drinks and food for the trip. For a short afternoon drive, not much fuel used, so the other would just bring a couple of cans of coke and a couple of bags of crisps/chocolate bars. On longer trips/full days, the petrol usage was more, so the non driver would buy lunch/drinks/snacks throughout the day. That was really the only compromise on the strict 50:50 because we couldn't be bothered working out mileage and "per mile" costs!! But we did try to use each other's cars equally, neither of us being the main/dominant driver - we'd take it in turns to use our respective cars!

On holidays, we'd actually have a "joint purse", where we both put the same amount of money in it, and used it to pay for things we bought roughly equally, i.e. for meals, snacks, souvenirs, entry fees, bus/train fares, etc., so we weren't constantly swapping money. If one of us bought anything of different value, i.e. if I bought a T shirt and he bought a fridge magnet, we'd buy separately with our own money.

Over time, that "joint purse" turned into a joint bank account even before we were living together/married, where again, we each put an equal amount into it and used it for "joint" activities like days out, holidays, meals, etc., and then just topped it up when it was running low.

It was only really once we married and bought a house that we stopped doing the 50:50 thing and started treated everything as "joint" money.

I'd never have been comfortable either paying fully myself for a night/weekend away nor him paying fully for it. I never wanted any kind of power imbalance, right from my first date and always insisted on paying my way, not just with DH but also previous boyfriends that were far less serious.

TwistedWonder · 10/03/2026 12:59

Going to be honest OP I think you’re giving very mixed signals.

You say you’re uncomfortable with him paying but you also say he’s insisted on paying for the dates.

I think him insisting on paying could be a red flag or he could just very generous/old fashioned. I would say his response to you wanting to pay for done dates will tell you all you need to know.

Personally if a man insists on paying for the first date then I tell him there and then I’ll pay for next t one, no arguing. I certainly wouldn’t be getting 3/4/5 dates in and still letting him pay for everything serially as you say you find it uncomfortable

Badbadbunny · 10/03/2026 13:00

TwistedWonder · 10/03/2026 12:37

Yep. I’m 60 and the ‘has penis must pay’ mindset was outdated in my datIng days.

Likewise, I'm just over 60 and never had that mindset, and don't think any of my friends did either. It was definitely outdated in the late 70s and early 80s when women first started to insist on equality.

MrsM2025 · 10/03/2026 13:29

I’m in exactly the same position as you and we split things 50/50
We are mid 50s
Interestingly my DD (20) says he should pay for everything!
His last couple of short relationships- they didn’t pay!
Am I the mug?!

YowieeF · 10/03/2026 13:34

Am in a similar relationship - but 2 years almost down the line. I usually book and pay and OH either gives me money or buys dinner / breakfast out.
Nowt wrong with you offering to pay towards trip, or insisting you pay for a meal.
it’s the offer that counts.

ForAmusedHazelQuoter · 10/03/2026 13:35

You- Hey how much is my share of the weekend?
Him - it’s my treat
You- thanks that lovely, I’ll get dinner and coffees.

Belladog1 · 10/03/2026 13:46

ForAmusedHazelQuoter · 10/03/2026 13:35

You- Hey how much is my share of the weekend?
Him - it’s my treat
You- thanks that lovely, I’ll get dinner and coffees.

Exactly this.

I started a new relationship 2yrs ago now and we never got into this awkward dilemma. He paid for the first time we went away, then the next time I said I would treat him .... and I did. We never discuss 50/50 or who owes what to whom. We just naturally took it in turns.

We are going away to France next month and I have expensive tastes in hotels. So I said I would do the accommodation. He was like ... OK, then I will get us there 'posh class' on the Eurostar. For meals out I guess he normally pays the lions share, but if I say to him that I would like to cover the meal that night, he is OK with that too.

Full discussions and sending money to bank accounts and all that is very tiresome. If he wants to treat you, let him.

moderate · 10/03/2026 13:49

Pyjamatimenow · 10/03/2026 12:00

I agree with this. Women are giving men it too easy these days. Destroys all the romance insisting on paying. I’ve never been asked to split a bill by a man. If they asked I would pay and not see them again. I saw a fabulous insta video yesterday were a young woman was saying a guy asked her to split at the cinema. He booked his regular ticket and she booked herself a seat in the VIP area and walked off.

Jesus. I’m glad I’m not navigating dating in the modern world. This guy has probably been told that as a modern man he shouldn’t try to pay; then when he puts this into practice, his date shuns him — and then puts it on social media in order to get paid.

mamstomes · 10/03/2026 14:04

moderate · 10/03/2026 13:49

Jesus. I’m glad I’m not navigating dating in the modern world. This guy has probably been told that as a modern man he shouldn’t try to pay; then when he puts this into practice, his date shuns him — and then puts it on social media in order to get paid.

Huh????

OP posts:
moderate · 10/03/2026 14:05

mamstomes · 10/03/2026 14:04

Huh????

Hmm????

Sodthesystem · 10/03/2026 14:08

Men using feminism to cop out of being decent men isn't a surprise. It's not that men paying is outdated, its that they have always took the piss and intend to continue to do so.

Women still do more of the drudge work in society and the home. We are taxed more on certain products. We risk more in dating, saftey wise. We have the children.

Let the men pay on the bloody dates. It's the least they can do.

Men who want to split the bill don't respect your independence, they just think you're an easy target for disrespect. That you don't know your worth and you'll accept less.

Pyjamatimenow · 10/03/2026 14:08

moderate · 10/03/2026 13:49

Jesus. I’m glad I’m not navigating dating in the modern world. This guy has probably been told that as a modern man he shouldn’t try to pay; then when he puts this into practice, his date shuns him — and then puts it on social media in order to get paid.

I’m sure he’ll be ok. Modern man can go find a modern girl to take to the cinema then can’t he?